Category Archives: homeowner

November 21, 2009 · 5:21 pm

Man and Machine

This is a quiz. Which makes a man happier, a power washer or a leaf blower?

I suppose that is a trick question. (Don’t know why but I love this piece of clip art – maybe it is his stance with the hose between his legs, just makes me laugh)

Show of hands ladies, do any of you care to use one of the items… EVER?

Yeh, thought not. In fact the other day on twitter I heard a woman say, “leaf blowers are the soundtrack of hell”. Made me laugh. I personally think nightclub techno-pop music is the soundtrack of my nightmares so I appreciated her aversion to white noise.

Something about a guy and a hose of any kind (air or water) that just makes sense from a Mars and Venus point of view.

He was muddy when he was done, but damn was Gary happy this afternoon. Raquet in the AM, power washing in the afternoon. Doesn’t get much better than this.

Life is good.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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August 13, 2009 · 9:37 pm

Nesting Like a Crazy Old Hag

nesting

Odd phenomenon, this nesting thing. Three days and counting till my kids come home. Where the hell did the summer go? There sits that list of ‘Things to do while the kids are away’ on my desk and there are certainly not enough check marks next to tasks.

Solution: mommy hyperdrive. Only this year it is more reactive than proactive. For instance we finally replaced the front lamp post because it snapped at the base and fell over in the wind. Hence the electrician was called to re-attach the fixture and while he is here he can fix the stuff that we have ignored for at least five years awhile.

Dinner conversation:

Me: The electrician is coming tomorrow.

Gary: Good, did you buy the timer for the basement.

Me: Oh, yeh, that. Um the hardware store didn’t have one. But I did pick up your hair gel.

Gary: Great (thinking that the electrician probably has no use for his gel, not to mention he could very well be bald).

Me: Oh, he needs to go in the attic to see why all the high hats and fan in the bathroom don’t work.

In Unison: NOT THE ATTIC (picture a horror movie scream here)

Gary: I just had tea (earl gray with honey, of course), I am not going up there in the hot attic.

Me: Fine, I’ll go!

So he went up to the attic (he is not  a fool) and started handing down things I had no intention of parting with tonight. For example: the shopping bag of Danny’s kindergarten Thanksgiving decorations, Jana’s cow lamp from her nursery, bags of old pictures. (yes I am an attic pack rat) STOP! The idea here is to clear a path to the part of the attic above the bathroom, not to actually clean it! Let’s just move the crap around like we always do.

Hey, at least he did not call me a crazy old hag like the last time he went up there.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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August 9, 2009 · 8:59 pm

Loss of Domesticity

moldy-bagelWhenever the kids leave for the summer I have a tendency to lose my housekeeping gene. And it gets worse every year. I have been running a home for over 2 decades, but for some reason, without the kids here the conversations go like this:

Gary: We are out of milk.

Me: Oh, yeh, I forgot to buy it.

Gary: Are we out of dishwashing liquid?

Me: Oh, yeh, I forgot to buy it.

Gary: Is there orange juice?

Me: Oh, yeh, I forgot to buy it.

Note to self: show Gary where the supermarket is.

Tonight I decided it was time to start paying attention to the house again and stop focusing on if it is healthy or not to drink during the week. (the answer to that is both yes and no). To embarrass myself into getting back into the domestic mode I will tell you what science projects I found in my fridge and bread box:

1 green fuzzy bagel, 1 green and white fuzzy loaf of unrecognizable bread, a liquid cucumber (Riki found that while making a salad, only a true friend would not judge, thanks Rik), cottage cheese dated July 12th (has that passed yet?), some sort of yogurt dip from the gourmet store where the lid of the plastic container was popping up (what is that about?!), a tupperware of chicken gumbo that I made 2 weeks ago (nasty), apples that I have a sneaking suspicion I bought at the end of June, freezer burned tortollini and many bags of french fries crusted with ice.

Ok, I am sufficiently embarrassed. And pretty sure none of you will accept a dinner invite any time soon. Seriously, I am a good cook and I promise to mend my ways and gain back the domestic skills that have kept this home a well oiled machine all these years.

At least between September and June.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 23, 2009 · 8:54 pm

Would you buy a used vacuum?

Jana is moving into a new apartment in August and we are busy shopping for all the domestic items we can think of. We have become involved in a bargain hunting game with her roommates and their moms. Today I found a really inexpensive vacuum at Target and was so excited about it. I know, scary that a vacuum excites me. Actually that kind of sucks. (sorry)

We were talking about it at dinner and Gary suggested that we could get a much better quality vacuum, used on Craigs List. By the looks of the Madison page for vacuums, he is not wrong.

But seriously! A used vacuum?! Doesn’t that have kind of an EW factor to it? Danny thought by buying a used one we ran the risk of purchasing a vacuum that had been used to pick up poop. Hmmmm, can you pick up poop with a vacuum? Maybe tiny poop, like mouse droppings or maybe even some kitty litter encrusted cat feces. I was thinking that in a college town vomit would be more likely. You know, the kind that hardens a bit overnight on the rug and then you sprinkle some baking soda on it and then try to vacuum it up. What? Does it sound like I have experience with this? Maybe.

We were 3 to 1 in our family, opposed to the idea of the used vacuum due to the possible ickification of it. We decided to ask friends who stopped by our table on their way out ofthe restaurant. They were split. Surprisingly he said no to used while she is a big fan of Craigs List and was in favor.

We decided the only way to settle this was to bring it to the blog for a poll. So, even if you are a lurker, please cast your vote as this is of dire importance to national security. Or maybe we are just curious.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 20, 2009 · 10:43 pm

Back in the Attic

Me: Gary, can you go into the attic and get Jana’s husband?

Gary: WHAT?!!

Me: That backrest pillow, they call it a husband. (no I do not have some guy up there waiting for the day when my daughter is ready to marry. We do not save anything with a heartbeat. At least not intentionally).

Gary: Oooh, the attic? (eyes glistening) Sure thing!

For those who read the last attic post you will remember we have a tendency to save EVERYTHING and that attic is a scary place. Gary now jumps at the chance to go up there and throw stuff down to get rid of. At least today I was not called a crazy old hag.

This week he found the box to the activity rocker. Yeh, it was from my kids. And here they are holding the box. What, 15 years is too long to save that? Do they even make these things anymore or have they deemed them unsafe and likely to cause brain damage like everything else my kids played with?

activity-rocker

I would also like to mention that he found an Apple llci up there. Yes, this baby was my first color mac. This sucker came with a whopping  80MB hard drive (note I said MB not GB) When did that come out, you ask? September 1989, 5 months after Jana was born!

Hey, at least I did not have her ‘husband’ up there for that long!

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On another note, would you be so kind as to vote for my blog buddy blondemomblog as the best local blog/nashville because she is really cool and I would love to see her win. Click here and vote.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 14, 2009 · 8:55 pm

If the hag fits, wear it!

attic

Let me preface this with the fact that I have lived in my house for 20 years this month and my attic is, well, let me say where we keep EVERYTHING! Skeletons, portraits – ok, those are not so subtle proverbial examples – but truthfully I have a playpen up there and my youngest is taking his road test this Friday.

When the central air conditioning guys come for maintenance I win the award for the scariest attic. “M’aam (I hate when they call me that) you have a lovely, well-kept home but your attic is a horror show.”

This weekend Gary went up to the attic and passed down the camp trunks and duffles to Danny. I stood at the bottom of the steps bossing them both around because that is what I do.

After the camp crap beloved camp items were dragged down to the living room, I heard Gary banging around in the attic. There could be nothing good about this. Let me explain that when Gary gets a burst of homeowner energy I know there will invariably be something else that catches his attention in the middle and the task will go unfinished. His intentions are honorable but his desire to close is simply not there. At this very moment I was rather annoyed that after 20 years of recklessly filling the attic with useless crap he chose 4 days before the camp trunks were being picked up to clean it.

Me: What are you doing up there?

Gary: Leave me the hell alone, you crazy old hag.

I am not sure why this struck us both so funny, but at the same moment we both started cracking up. And there was poor Danny, standing on the landing between us in a bewildered state.

Danny: I will never get the two of you.

Seriously, Gary was lucky I was in a good mood. That comment could have ended badly if I were in a hormonal rage.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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May 8, 2009 · 5:15 pm

Would you like a side of mouse with that?

Ewww. EWWWWWW! EEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!

This is how my day started. Lying in bed I actually heard the dog’s stomach rumbling. That would be the same dog that Danny forgot to feed last night. Feeling bad for her I got up, brushed my teeth and went downstairs to feed her.

Before I even made coffee!! (I am such a good mother)

Picture this: 

1. Open door to garage.

2. Lift (unsecured lid) off the ‘rodent-proof’ dog food container. 

3. Reach for a really big scoopful of dog food cuz I felt bad for the starving dog.

That is when it happened. I lifted up the cute dog-faced blue scooper filled with dog food and…

Dead Mouse with Feet to the Skystuck into the kibble – head first mind you – with his little mouse butt and rigamortis tail and feet jutting out, was the deadest mouse I had ever seen. Of course I threw the scooper back into the container but was not exactly sure that the mouse landed back in there.

(I would like make a side comment that I am not your typical girly girl. Bugs do not bother me. Live rodents are a nuisance but I don’t freak when I see them. Slugs, hmmm, I hate these too. If you are a long time reader you will remember the last time I was really grossed out by something).

So I did what any self respecting, independent, fearless, i-can-handle-anything (but a dead mouse in the dog food) type woman would do. I stormed upstairs, woke Gary out of a dead sleep and demanded that he de-mouse the garage immediately. His protestations were short-lived as he could see I was not going to wait another minute. (yes, living with me IS paradise).

I will not describe his de-mousing outfit because that would make me seem ungrateful for the fact that he not only threw out the food AND the mouse but washed the container. This was because he ascertained that we had us, in fact, some ‘fresh mouse’ as there were droppings in there. This sucker had one last big ole meal, took a crap or two and expired in the depths of the kibble.

The fact that he wanted to still feed the food to the dog was a bit concerning, but again, I don’t want to criticize and appear ungrateful.

For now on when we feed the dog, the desire to ask, ‘Do you want a side of mouse with that?’ will be very tempting.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone

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May 7, 2009 · 11:42 pm

Garbology

Wikipedia defines this as the study of refuse and trash. I call this the Gladys Kravitz syndrome. For those who do not remember her, or those who are too young (f all of you that are too young; ) she was the nosey neighbor on Bewitched. I seem to have a lot of references for Bewitched characters. I think I will post about Larry Tate at a future date. And then maybe Dr. Bombay.

Back to garbology.

As I have mentioned many times, I walk in the morning with Mel. Dog walkers love garbage day because there are cans out to dump our doody bags in and we don’t have to walk the whole way carrying them. But I love garbage days for another reason, I get to see what the neighbors have been up to.

I walk down the street with these thoughts bouncing through my head:

hmmm… these guys can sure suck down the white wine.

oh my, look whose toddler is still not toilet trained, another case of diapers.

oh these guys just got a new chainsaw, that confirms they are not Jewish!

wow, that’s an awful full recycling can of beer bottles when there are no parents home at that house.

I have seen boxes marked with a label that says ‘Do Not Throw Away‘ and others lying on the ground that say ‘Do Not Lay Flat’. Old furniture and knick knacks so ugly you cannot believe anyone would ever purchase them.

All in all, the garbage of your neighbors can give you a glimpse into their households without really knowing who lives in them

The perfect Gladys Kravitz experience.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 29, 2009 · 9:20 pm

Crickets in January

Cricket 01Once again the command center has turned into a little episode of Wild Kingdom. For those who do not read me regularly (shame on you) the command center is my office in the basement. It is safe to say I spend a scant 10 hours a day here on average. Ok, maybe 12, I am just a little embarrassed about that. 

A while back I wrote about the critter that was living in the soffit of my ceiling. I thought that little sucker was gone but it would seem that the freezing temps and snow must have driven the little guy back in there and he – with perhaps a friend or two – were doing the scurry thang all night last night. 

No worries, I am sort of used to it and did not think all that much about it. Until…

I heard and then FOUND a friggin cricket hopping across the floor. A cricket?! In January? WTF, what the hell is going on. Pretty soon I am going to have a petting zoo down here. 

And really, what is up with the dog? She can’t earn her keep and pull a little Where in the World is Matt Lauer and eat a cricket of two?

Thinking she wants to renegotiate her contract.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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December 11, 2008 · 11:59 pm

The Dog, The Smoke Alarm and The Rock of Gibraltar

mel_stairs

Let me start this off by saying that every year when we change the clocks I pass by the fire station sign that reminds me to change my smoke alarm batteries and feel very guilty that, once again, the one in my kitchen is no longer functioning. I make the effort to rectify the problem and buy the ‘less sensitive’ kind, hang it back up and all goes well.

For a few weeks.

It is inevitable that I will ‘cook’ something and forget it is on the stove. You know what happens, you put up the broccoli to steam, go down to check an email or two and before you know it the damn pot is black and there is a ‘light’ fog of smoke in the kitchen. Then off goes the damn smoke alarm.

This morning it was chocolate chip pancakes. Yes, I am a the model mom and I do make my son chocolate chip pancakes every morning. The day started fine. I got up early, remembered that I needed rolls, went to the bank and bagel store, even got a nice hot cop of joe. It was all under control. 

Sort of.

Somehow I lost the rhythm of the morning and the next thing I knew I was burning the pancakes and off went that friggin’ smoke alarm. Less sensitive my ass! Now all of this would not be such big deal if my poor sweet dog did not have a severe neurological reaction to the sound of the smoke alarm. (You remember, the dog that the UPS man found in the street and put in the yard) I mean this poor pooch starts to shake uncontrollably at the sound of this thing. Perhaps she could use some meds.

Here I am with a broom trying to shut the smoke alarm, the dog is shaking, Danny mentions it might not be a bad idea to shut the stove since the griddle is now smoking, Gary suggests opening a window, maybe a door and then he said it. The dreaded statement that has come up too often lately. The one that proves I have lost my ability to do it all:

“You know, you used to have it all together. Now it is like the Rock of Gibraltar is cracking again”

I HATE that line. Mostly because he is right. 

The dog? Don’t worry, by 11:00 she was fine.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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