Category Archives: health

Sometimes a little head is not so nice

Ask a man any question and invariably the answer could be, “A little head would be nice.”

Think about it.

“Hon, could you take out the garbage?” “Sure, but first a little head would be nice.” “Baby, my parents are coming on Sunday. You don’t mind, do you?” “Of course not, but before they come, a little head would be nice.”

You get my drift. If you are a regular reader you know that I have pointed out this phenomenon before. I challenge anyone to find a scenario when that universal answer would not work for the man in your life. It is one of those constants in the universe that we can always depend on. Sort of comforting, no?

Sadly, the comfort of knowing that the universe is aligned because of this given might be threatened. A USA Today article titled “Rise in some cancers linked to oral sex” sites a correlation between the increased popularity of oral sex over the past few decades and some head and neck cancers.

Head detrimental to the head? How cruel!

“It seems like a pretty good link that more sexual activity, particularly oral sex, is associated with increased HPV infection,” said Dr. Greg Hartig, professor of otolaryngology — head and neck surgery at the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health in Madison. (hmmm, is this what my kids are studying at UW?)

I shared this link on facebook today after my guru of all things edgy, Jessica Gottlieb, posted the link. The comments section kept me entertained all afternoon. Here is what I got:

1. Some cancer is just worth it. (posted by a guy… what a surprise, but clever.)

2. Like to give head? It may give back more than you bargained for.

3. Just when I thought you had gone “soft” on us.

4. Suddenly, swallowing isn’t that big a deal. (oy, my parents read this blog!)

Since it’s been awhile, how about a poll to choose your favorite comment. Please weigh in. And of course there is a place for you to leave your own comment if you have a better one.


Filed under current events, health, polls

Naturally, blame the mucus

Have you seen the Advil Congestion Relief commercial yet?

Woman is in bed with a terrible cold. Man with a t-shirt that reads MUCUS sits down on the bed.

00:01:02 It’s your fault.
00:01:04 Naturally, blame the mucus.
00:01:06 Well, I can’t breathe.
00:01:07 Did you try blowing your nose? of course.
00:01:09 [ Both ] AND NOTHING CAME OUT.
00:01:11 Instead of blaming me, try new advil congestion relief.

Can anyone explain why that makes me laugh so much? Yeh, I know, bodily function infantile behavior. So? C’mon, admit that you think it is funny too. I mean, can you imagine the creative team sitting in a conference room late at night before the client pitch? They’re all hopped up on caffeine and sugar and they have rejected at least a dozen ideas. Then someone stands up and shouts:

How ’bout we dress someone in a MUCUS t-shirt and use the line “naturally, blame the mucus”

Brilliance in advertising? Maybe not, but it certainly sticks.


Filed under absurdities, conversations, health, humor

Tandem Colonsocopy

I get a close marriage. I am touched by a couple that wants to share everything. But a colonoscopy day? Hmmmm… not so much.

I bring this up because I have some friends (who will go unnamed so unless you were in the room don’t even try to ask who) that decided to book their colonoscopies on the same day. The sentiment was to be miserable together so neither one could really complain all that much and to get it over with together.

Isn’t half the fun of a colonoscopy the complaining. Oh right, now the fun is all in crapping your brains out, I forgot, forgive me. If you recall I did a very extensive blog post on my first colonoscopy

Sorry, this is just a little too much togetherness for me. And who gets the better bathroom?

Let’s put this out for a vote:


Filed under absurdities, health

Yoga vs. Yogurt – a tale of hearing

This one can be filed under what we say and what they hear.

Tonight we were driving to a fundraiser that was based at a local Yoga Studio. Our dear friend Gail (yogamom to you who read the comments here) was kind enough to donate her beautiful space to the Port Washington Education Foundation for our first ever Amazing Race which was an amazing success.

I was telling Gary that the construction that was going on in some retail space in town was going to have a whole new row of stores facing the back parking lot. I also informed him a of a new yogurt place, that I thought was a franchise that was opening there. I said the guy already had 2 others.

Fast forward to the end of the race and poor Gail pulls me aside and says, “Gary already ruined my night so now you might as well give me all the details.” Hmmmm, I thought to myself, what the hell is she talking about. I leave him here bartending for an hour and a half and he has ruined her night? WTH.

Gail: So just give me the details and let me get this over with.

Me: Um, what are you talking about?

Gail: Gary told me a franchised yoga studio is opening in town.

Me: How would he know that?

Gail: He said you told him on the way here.

Me: (lightbulb going off in my battered brain). Not yoGA… yoGURT!

Note to self: schedule Gary’s hearing test.


Filed under communities, gary, health, humor

From Cremation to Abscess

There is something about those old Seinfeld episodes, or more recently Curb Your Enthusiasm or even Arrested Development; you wonder how the writers think up those crazy story lines.

Honestly, I would imagine almost all of them are based, at least loosely, on the writers’ own family archives. My family is no different.

Tonight I was lucky to have dinner with my aunt and uncle who are in town from Florida. Through the years we have always laughed at the stories that come up at our family dinner tables. It never fails that there will be a story about death… we are Jews after all. If not someone recently dying there is the perpetual care at the cemetery to complain about (what the hell is perpetual care, anyway?).

Tonight did not disappoint. The evening opened with a bizarre story about a deceased overweight family member and the amount of ashes his cremation produced (I know, ew!) and ended somewhere around a story surrounding an abscess of someone I am pretty sure I don’t know.

The poor waitress was torn between staring at the accident of our conversation and wanting to run away as quickly as she could in between courses.

I for one, was little disappointed that we did not have time to cover the bodily functions topics that usually end the meal. This was in respect to my aunt who requested that we not go there with the remnants of the chocolate dessert melting on the table.

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Filed under absurdities, family, health, humor

Best Blogher Pitch of the Day

For those who do not know what the hell Blogher is, this is a conference for women bloggers. Go ahead, make all the jokes you want but you can only imagine how happy I am to be here. I am out of the zip code and amongst ‘my people’.

And these really are my people, even the ones who are pitching us. I was walking through the exhibition hall with @wendyscherer when all of the sudden a tiny powerhouse of a little blonde came up to us and asked:

“Can I tell you everything there is to know about your vagina in 5 seconds.”

Hmmm, I don’t know, can you?

I mean, I don’t mean to be narcissistic here but I was hoping that my vagina was worthy of a little more than 5 seconds. Anyone? Gary, want to jump in here and comment on this one?

She certainly got our attention and when she followed that line up with, ” the vagina is a delicate eco-system” I was pretty sure I had the makings of my first Blogher blog post of the day. (yes, kids, there may be more than one). And, no, I did not think it was necessary to add a photo to this post for those who were wondering. To quote my kids, “Ew Mom”.

Ok, I know what you are all thinking. Hundreds of women meet at these conferences to talk about their vaginas. Well, they do. But they also talk about family. And work. And grief, And politics. And fashion. And current events. And products. And marketing. And social good…

Are you getting the picture. This is a houseful of power. The women who drive not only buying power that brands so desperately seek, but the support and devotion that women give naturally to each other.

This is a very special place indeed.

Oh, and yeh, I am sure there are some pretty special vaginas here as well. (btw, did you know that the optimum pH for a vagina is 4.5? yeh, did not think you did)

Oh, and a plug for the little blonde whose name I did not get (sorry). She worked for lil’ drugstore and was selling all sorts of stuff to keep that hey-nanny-nanny in pH balance.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under companies, conversations, health, humor, Uncategorized

Discount Sushi?

After a good Time to Cry Tuesday it is always fun to follow it up with a Time to Puke Wednesday.

Buy One Get One Free Sushi?

Um, ew.

I get it. At 5:59 it is still fresh. At 6:00, not so much. And then there is that legal disclaimer up in the right corner of the shot:

Consuming raw or undercooked seafood can increase the risk of food borne illness, especially in the young, the elderly, or those with weakened immune systems.

Yikes, check your guest list before you serve the sushi, kids. Certainly the (almost) day old kind.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, health, humor, signage

The Colonoscopy: A recap in 3 acts

Act One: Scheduling the appointment

Me: Hello, I would like to schedule an appointment for my colonoscopy.

Receptionist: Oh, we have an opening on the 28th at noon.

Me: (thinking ‘an opening’ was a poor choice of words) I will take it.

Understanding that this was the Friday of a holiday weekend I figured it would be a good day to take off, and I jumped at the idea of the weight loss.

Yes I am extremely shallow.

Act Two: The pre-prep (I will spare you the actual prep because I am classier than that)

Me: What flavor Gatorade should I mix the Miralax with?

Danny: Yellow

Gary: Yellow

Jana: Yellow

I bought grape.

Oh, and yellow – I am not an idiot! I did the taste test and under the advisement of Jana’s boyfriend decided on yellow because he said I would get sick of the grape after the second glass.

Jana: OMG you are mixing that ENTIRE bottle of Miralax* into that Gatorade, that is like a month’s worth!

Me: Yeh, I know. I thought that is why you were going to stay at Corey’s house for the night.

You will be happy to know that after I fasted for 24 hours and had been starving for a day Gary came home and made himself probably the most delicious smelling omelette ever made on the face of this earth.

I asked him why he didn’t bake a chocolate cake right after that too.

* I would like to mention that on the side of the Miralax package it states that your stool may become soft and runny… um is that not the point of a laxative?

Act Three: Phone call with a friend after the colonoscopy was finished

Friend: How are you feeling?

Me: Not bad, actually. It was just like any other Friday at work except this time I was sedated before I got reamed up the ass.

Friend: I guess I should tell you my daughter is in the car and I am on speakerphone (note: daughter is in college)

Me: Well, now is as good a time as any for her to hear about the real world.

Daughter: Thanks Amy, I really appreciate that.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, health, humor

My fibroid history and targeted advertising

Arghh! You are saying. (exactly how do you pronounce arghh?) Do we really need to know about her friggin’ fibroid history? Do we really care about the dirty little details of her aging reproductive tract?

Actually, no you don’t. But apparently facebook did because they saw it fit to target me with this ad for a fibroid clinical trial.

Do I have fibroids? Not anymore because I had those babies yanked out about 4 years ago with my uterus if you really must know. (oh jeez, is there no end to this level of discomfort?) Good news: I can wear white pants whenever I want. I digress.

The question is, did facebook’s magic algorithm figure to target me with a fibroid trial because of my age, or because fibroids have been mentioned more than once on this very blog? (this blog is listed in networked blogs on facebook)

One will never really know the answer to that or the other mind-boggling questions of the universe. But it is safe to say either one or both of those could have gotten that ad on my page.

The reason I have chosen to share all this with you now is that it comes at such a timely juncture in our online lives; in a week where facebook’s ‘invasion’ of our privacy has been questioned ad nauseum. Users are in an uproar about how much of their profile information will be shared.

Well, the reality is kiddies, the info is out there for the taking. Not just on facebook, but all over the web. This article by Micheal Bush in Ad Age illustrates quite well how a digital profile can be gathered without much effort. Public information, as they say. Creepy, on some level but really who cares?

What are we afraid of? Well, me? I am not afraid of a whole hell of a lot. I don’t want to have my identity stolen and I don’t want to be stalked by creeps in real life. I agree with Micheal Bush, I don’t think that is the goal of marketers. Their goal is to reach their target market; the very people that are most likely to be their customers. To me, that’s not so terrible. Because if I had a facebook ad for string bikinis on my page I would only become depressed that my fibroid/uterus free body has no business squeezing into one. Or if you would be more mundane, I would not like to see ads for diapers.

I am both too old and thankfully too young to be buying any kind of diapers real soon.

Do you get where I am going with this? Does the fact that I have been in the business of marketing brands for the past (never mind how many) years taint my opinion? Maybe. Does my love (read obsession) for social media further color my feeling about this? Hell yeh.

Personally, I sort of think it is worth it to give up a little false sense of privacy to have the access to this kind of information. On a serious note, when I was trying to decide what to do about those damn fibroids, I would have welcomed the information that ad was offering me. (instead of torturing poor Dr. Judy for weeks about what I should do. Thanks again Jude, I will never forget your patience, I owe you a drink)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under blogging, facebook, facebook ads, health, humor, social media, trends

A little dog food never hurt anyone

I am convinced that my dog and I are genetically linked. I think I wrote about this once before but I can’t find the post and quite honestly it has been a long day.

Mel and I both suffer from hypothyroidism. Not all that uncommon in women ‘of a certain age‘, this basically means that we have underactive thyroids that do not produce a certain hormone and can cause us to feel sluggish. There are other more miserable things that it can cause but luckily neither one of us gone that far.

As a result of this disorder, I find myself in the odd circumstance to be taking the same medication as my pup. There on the windowsill in the kitchen sit two (almost identical) bottles of pills. One sleepy morning this week I took a pill from my bottle and buried it neatly in a chunk of the wet dog food that I mix in with Mel’s kibble. As I was inserting the pill I noticed it was yellow and not lavender, indicating this was my pill not hers.

Now don’t get me wrong here but at the price I pay for meds these days I was not about to throw away a perfectly good pill just because it had a slight slime of dog food on it. Like any self-respecting dog owner would, I wiped it off and put it back in the bottle.

So if any of you notice me scratching myself behind my ear with my foot or barking uncontrollably this week you will understand why.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under health, humor, mel