Category Archives: health

Damn Jewish Mother Guilt

It came to my attention, thanks to my mother-in-law and the Jewish grapevine, that a camper that had been in my son’s bunk was diagnosed with Whooping Cough.

Pertussis.

Not a great thing to get. And said son came home with his usual post-camp ‘kennel’ cough. I did not think much of it more than usual exhaustion, until I heard about the Whooping Cough. Certainly nothing to take lightly in teens and young adults (FYI, even though your kids were vaccinated with the DTP – the P being Pertussis – when they were little, the vaccine wears off in about 10ish years. Consider this a funny PSA).

If you have a college Jr. you will know that they tend to be a little, shall I say, overly independent when it comes to their healthcare. I particularly like the part where having a cough for going on 4 weeks seems to be no big deal to him since he believes it is not Whooping Cough.

Here is the actual text thread we had today. When necessary, I can still kick some serious Jewish Mother butt. Please note the horrendous iphone typos. But he got my point.

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Filed under conversations, danny, health

Time to Cry Tuesday – Vision

Sure, I have vision. I am a designer, for G-d sake, vision is my business. But I am not talking about the capital V kind of Vision today, I am talking about eyesight.

This story starts over 26 years ago – half my life has passed since this tale began. In some Magnet for the Absurd – and in this case Unfortunate –twist of fate, I contracted Viral Keratoconjunctivits on none other than my honeymoon. Yeh, go ahead and make the ‘if you do IT to much you will go blind’ jokes all you want, but this is serious, kiddies. This bizarre eye infection left me with a scarred cornea.

Permanently.

I know, kind of sucks.

Don’t feel too bad for me though, because with both eyes open I don’t really notice it all that much. But I always worry that if anything happens to my right eye I might hope that good ole Iko can be trained as a guide dog.

Fast forward to this month when on the recommendation of my opthalmologist, I went to see a cornea specialist. After telling him my tale he asked me how long I had been married. ’26 years’, I told him. ’26 years!? And you are first coming to see me now?’, he asked. (wiseass). After explaining he is the 3rd guy to get a crack at this problem he went ahead and solved it like no one else was able to.

Basically, I am having a corrective gas permeable, or ‘hard’, lens made that with a fluid barrier is able to cut down on the light refraction that causes the blurred vision from the scarring and for the first time in 26 years I will have 20/20 vision in my left eye.

Have I mentioned this has been half my life?!

So, yeh, I did get a bit choked up in the chair when I realized this last week. Now more psychedelic topographic mapping tests and numbing drops later I have one week and then the custom lens will be ready to rock and roll.

I know, pretty cool, right?

Now if only I could remember where I put my glasses…

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Filed under 50-something moms blog, health, Time to Cry Tuesdays

Sometimes a little head is not so nice

Ask a man any question and invariably the answer could be, “A little head would be nice.”

Think about it.

“Hon, could you take out the garbage?” “Sure, but first a little head would be nice.” “Baby, my parents are coming on Sunday. You don’t mind, do you?” “Of course not, but before they come, a little head would be nice.”

You get my drift. If you are a regular reader you know that I have pointed out this phenomenon before. I challenge anyone to find a scenario when that universal answer would not work for the man in your life. It is one of those constants in the universe that we can always depend on. Sort of comforting, no?

Sadly, the comfort of knowing that the universe is aligned because of this given might be threatened. A USA Today article titled “Rise in some cancers linked to oral sex” sites a correlation between the increased popularity of oral sex over the past few decades and some head and neck cancers.

Head detrimental to the head? How cruel!

“It seems like a pretty good link that more sexual activity, particularly oral sex, is associated with increased HPV infection,” said Dr. Greg Hartig, professor of otolaryngology — head and neck surgery at the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health in Madison. (hmmm, is this what my kids are studying at UW?)

I shared this link on facebook today after my guru of all things edgy, Jessica Gottlieb, posted the link. The comments section kept me entertained all afternoon. Here is what I got:

1. Some cancer is just worth it. (posted by a guy… what a surprise, but clever.)

2. Like to give head? It may give back more than you bargained for.

3. Just when I thought you had gone “soft” on us.

4. Suddenly, swallowing isn’t that big a deal. (oy, my parents read this blog!)

Since it’s been awhile, how about a poll to choose your favorite comment. Please weigh in. And of course there is a place for you to leave your own comment if you have a better one.


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Filed under current events, health, polls

Naturally, blame the mucus

Have you seen the Advil Congestion Relief commercial yet?

Woman is in bed with a terrible cold. Man with a t-shirt that reads MUCUS sits down on the bed.

00:01:02 It’s your fault.
00:01:04 Naturally, blame the mucus.
00:01:06 Well, I can’t breathe.
00:01:07 Did you try blowing your nose? of course.
00:01:09 [ Both ] AND NOTHING CAME OUT.
00:01:11 Instead of blaming me, try new advil congestion relief.

Can anyone explain why that makes me laugh so much? Yeh, I know, bodily function infantile behavior. So? C’mon, admit that you think it is funny too. I mean, can you imagine the creative team sitting in a conference room late at night before the client pitch? They’re all hopped up on caffeine and sugar and they have rejected at least a dozen ideas. Then someone stands up and shouts:

How ’bout we dress someone in a MUCUS t-shirt and use the line “naturally, blame the mucus”

Brilliance in advertising? Maybe not, but it certainly sticks.

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Filed under absurdities, conversations, health, humor

Tandem Colonsocopy

I get a close marriage. I am touched by a couple that wants to share everything. But a colonoscopy day? Hmmmm… not so much.

I bring this up because I have some friends (who will go unnamed so unless you were in the room don’t even try to ask who) that decided to book their colonoscopies on the same day. The sentiment was to be miserable together so neither one could really complain all that much and to get it over with together.

Isn’t half the fun of a colonoscopy the complaining. Oh right, now the fun is all in crapping your brains out, I forgot, forgive me. If you recall I did a very extensive blog post on my first colonoscopy

Sorry, this is just a little too much togetherness for me. And who gets the better bathroom?

Let’s put this out for a vote:

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Filed under absurdities, health

Yoga vs. Yogurt – a tale of hearing

This one can be filed under what we say and what they hear.

Tonight we were driving to a fundraiser that was based at a local Yoga Studio. Our dear friend Gail (yogamom to you who read the comments here) was kind enough to donate her beautiful space to the Port Washington Education Foundation for our first ever Amazing Race which was an amazing success.

I was telling Gary that the construction that was going on in some retail space in town was going to have a whole new row of stores facing the back parking lot. I also informed him a of a new yogurt place, that I thought was a franchise that was opening there. I said the guy already had 2 others.

Fast forward to the end of the race and poor Gail pulls me aside and says, “Gary already ruined my night so now you might as well give me all the details.” Hmmmm, I thought to myself, what the hell is she talking about. I leave him here bartending for an hour and a half and he has ruined her night? WTH.

Gail: So just give me the details and let me get this over with.

Me: Um, what are you talking about?

Gail: Gary told me a franchised yoga studio is opening in town.

Me: How would he know that?

Gail: He said you told him on the way here.

Me: (lightbulb going off in my battered brain). Not yoGA… yoGURT!

Note to self: schedule Gary’s hearing test.

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Filed under communities, gary, health, humor

From Cremation to Abscess

There is something about those old Seinfeld episodes, or more recently Curb Your Enthusiasm or even Arrested Development; you wonder how the writers think up those crazy story lines.

Honestly, I would imagine almost all of them are based, at least loosely, on the writers’ own family archives. My family is no different.

Tonight I was lucky to have dinner with my aunt and uncle who are in town from Florida. Through the years we have always laughed at the stories that come up at our family dinner tables. It never fails that there will be a story about death… we are Jews after all. If not someone recently dying there is the perpetual care at the cemetery to complain about (what the hell is perpetual care, anyway?).

Tonight did not disappoint. The evening opened with a bizarre story about a deceased overweight family member and the amount of ashes his cremation produced (I know, ew!) and ended somewhere around a story surrounding an abscess of someone I am pretty sure I don’t know.

The poor waitress was torn between staring at the accident of our conversation and wanting to run away as quickly as she could in between courses.

I for one, was little disappointed that we did not have time to cover the bodily functions topics that usually end the meal. This was in respect to my aunt who requested that we not go there with the remnants of the chocolate dessert melting on the table.

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Filed under absurdities, family, health, humor