Tag Archives: humor

February 11, 2009 · 10:36 pm

Hanging babes

hanging_dolls1

I am not sure what to say about this picture. Nope, I did not take this at the trusty art supply joint where I found the bustier purse, Ricky Martin lunchbox and tacky Marilyn Monroe painting, although these cuties would have fit right in there.

These scary little vixens were hanging (literally) in the local Rite Aid that used to be Eckerd (which I never called it) but was Genovese first. Of course I still call it Genovese, I am old school that way.

So there I was, talking to Danny’s 4th grade teacher in Genovese – mind you he is in 11th grade now, small town. We are chatting away about this and that like fed exing valentines to the girls away at college and all sorts of school district gossip.

And then I spotted them.

The metallic hair on the chick on the right must have caught my eye. I stopped in my tracks and said, ” I MUST take a picture of these”. And she was all, “you carry a camera?” sort of what is up with you crazy lady. There I was down on one knee getting a good angle on them and don’t you know she jumped right into the fun and said, “make sure you get a good shot of the combs that their heads are hanging from”. Wow, hadn’t noticed that.

The whole product line is pretty freakish. Who designs this crap?

And it is quite obvious I can ramble on about any topic on earth.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 23, 2009 · 8:50 pm

Goodbye Norma Jean

marilyn

“You had the grace to hold yourself, while those around you crawled”

Sir Elton, how about this bizarre rendering of Marilyn?

Hold herself? Is that what is going on in this painting? Are those supposed to be her hands, because I am thinking that it might be physically impossible for one’s hands to be in that position.

So then I thought, ok, maybe they are someone else’s hands. I mean, really, not such a stretch to think that someone would want to cop a feel of those bodacious tatas, right? But notice the french manicure. So  that would make it a woman touching her (not that there is anything wrong with that) but I have never heard talk of Marilyn Monroe being gay. Hey, you never know, my dear friend Frank tells me that everyone is gay except my husband because he knows that will freak me out.

Are you wondering if this is hanging in my house? Don’t be silly, we only moved in 20 years ago. You can’t possibly think that I have hung the artwork yet.

I saw this in the art supply store. The same one that housed the ever famous bustier pocketbook and the Ricky Martin lunchbox on its sale rack. This place is the mecca for tacky.

Note to self: visit Pearl Paint at least once a month for blogging material.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 23, 2009 · 1:17 am

Happy F*in Hippos!

happyhippo

Every once in awhile I come across a product that screams from the shelf with a sense of irony like this one. It would appear that Happy Hippo is a hippo shaped treat that looks something like a chocolate filled Twinkie with nuts and chocolate on the outside. Kind of looks like he his foaming at the mouth, no?

What should their tagline be? Eat happy hippos and you will soon look like one?

Seriously, who really wants to bite the head off of one of these things? You could certainly not eat one  in public without being self conscious. Mmmmm, gonna eat me some Happy Hippos and watch my hip(pos) grow.

Scary thing is, I bet they fly off the shelves. Looks like they even have a little Lego promo going on at the bottom left corner of the box.

What next?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 18, 2009 · 6:52 pm

Ask a silly question…

flaming-ball

Walking into my front hallway yesterday I noticed a case of tennis balls. We usually keep these in the garage.

Me: Gar, why is this in the front hallway?

Gary: You can’t play tennis with cold balls.

Why do I feel like I set myself up for that one?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 10, 2009 · 12:20 am

Mantyhose, the Perfect Mansierre Companion

mantyhose2hmedium

Once again, my nephew has fed me another absurdity to share with my readers (thanks Matt).

Ladies and gentleman, I bring you:

Mantyhose! Not your mother’s pantyhose. (nice tagline)

Back in November I brought you the man bra, or what we Seinfeld fans like to call the Mansierre. Women, humor me for a moment and think of your significant other in a pair of these. Or better yet, everyone picture you dad. Your favorite professor. Your pediatrician. The gardner. Oh, I could keep going with this one, the visuals are fabulous. Oh wait…

The plumber! No more butt crack worries if he is wearing a pair of Mantyhose.

I love the ‘male comfort panel with convenient fly opening’. Guys, you will never have to know the joys or a pantyhose waistband around your knees while squatting over a public toilet.

My favorite part? Mild compression. I would imagine mild compression would be a nice sensation whereas tight compression could become a problem.

Want to purchase a pair? You can do that here.

Enjoy!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 8, 2009 · 7:57 pm

Lingerie or Purse?

bustier-bag_small

If I ever doubted why I carry a camera in my bag at all times this little frivolity confirmed my desire to always have one handy.

When I see an item like this I wonder if it were transported to a different context might it be seen as the hottest fashion craze? Hang one off the arm of an Olsen twin and these things would be flying off the shelves instead of hanging on the sale rack. The very same sale section where I spotted the Ricky Martin lunchbox back in October.

The odd thing is that these items were not found in a novelty store. I saw them at Pearl Paint, an art and craft supply mega-store that I always make excuses to visit as often as possible. This is the art supply store of my formative art student years. I simply feel better in those aisles with all those tubes and brushes. Yeh well, ok.

This bustier purse begs the question, “What art supply store buyer would make the choice to stock this item in the first place?” Going through supplier catalogs checking off inventory: oil paint, brushes, gold leaf, erasers, drawing paper, hot pink satin bustier purse with rhinestone accents, erasers, picture frames, clay… Sorry don’t see the logic here. Kind of like the Where’s Waldo of retail.

You know, looking at it now it is growing on me. I am kind of sorry I did not purchase it.

Hmmm, do you think it will still be there tomorrow? Seriously, this could MAKE any outfit at a North Shore Long Island Bar Mitzvah, no?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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December 7, 2008 · 8:40 pm

Thank you Miss Nipples

This is an actual phone conversation with my dad Friday Morning:

Me: Hello

Dad: I am not taking your mother to the Emergency Room.

Me: Um, OK. (looking for my coat and car keys)

Dad: I called AT&T this morning to have the phones turned on in Florida.

Me: (wondering if I had somehow missed a sentence here). Uh, Dad, is mom ok?

Dad: Sure, why?

Me: WHY? Because you said you weren’t taking her to the ER (some major history here that I will not get into but trust me there were times when he SHOULD have taken her to the ER)

Dad: That was a joke because I didn’t want you to worry that I was calling so early.

Me: Oh, funny (not) But it is 9:45, it’s not that early. Never mind. So you were saying that you called AT&T.

Dad: (with Mom starting to laugh in the background and me feeling grateful that she was not unconscious with her head bleeding on the dining room floor) Oh, right. So this woman answers the phone and she sounds like she has a cold, has this really heavy southern accent, and she talked so fast I could not understand her that well. I asked her name and she said “Miss Nipples” (now Mom is really cracking up in the background)

Me: Miss NIPPLES?!

Dad: (Starting to laugh). Yes, so your mother told me to tell her that I was old and hard of hearing and ask her to speak slowly and clearly. (that would be because he is old and hard of hearing but he does not seem old so we always think it is kind of funny to tell people that he is).

Me: I assume you were not wearing your hearing aids.

Dad: What? (just kidding, he didn’t say that but he would) She repeated her name and it was not Nipples (how shocking) it was NICKELS.

Oy.

I told Gary this story later in the day and his response:

Gary: Know what her first name is?

Me: No, what?

Gary: Ophelia. Ophelia Nipples.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

 

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May 30, 2008 · 11:40 am

Bloganoia


an interesting little twist to my new world of blogging. over the past few weeks when something happens people will ask, “oh no, are you going to put me in your blog”. it’s kind of funny. i mean, seriously, it is not like i am writing a column in the NYT. so i guess that replaces the ever famous “this should be a chapter” comment, the difference being that these are seeing the (cyber)light of day. don’t worry my friends, i will be kind.

i thought i had made up this word until i googled it and found that it is out there and already has many definitions.

i, for one, have always been a big fan of the made up word. yesternight. cyberexlover. transplendent. (any woody allen fans out there?) blogging seems to be a natural for this. being of ‘a certain age’ – to borrow an extremely annoying label from the ridiculous chipped nail article , i am considered tech-savvy amongst my peers. this is no great feat as the bar is set pretty low, but hey, i will take it where i can get it.

so here goes – the first (of many) blog vocab lists. now don’t try stealing these, they are all in a sealed envelope on the way to a copyright attorney as we speak ; ). actually, when i googled them, some already exist as blog names or websites. guess i am not the only one who gets a charge out of making up words. there must be others stuck in the basement, banging the keyboard trying to amuse themselves.

i highly encourage commenting on this sucker. maybe i will run a contest for the best word…

bloganoia: fear of being blogged about

blogalicious: hot & juicy blog; my blogshake brings all the boys to the yard (urban dictionary has a lamer definition)

blogomania: frenzy surrounding the need to blog

blogophobic: (a no brainer) fear of blogging

blogagoric: fear of blogging outside?

blogcentric: believing yours is the only blog worth reading

pseudoblog: a blog written on paper and scanned in

preblogastoric: mom, tell us about the days before blogging when you had to use a pen and paper

bloggertensive: high blood pressure from reading infuriating blog posts

blognostic: a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in blogs

give me more…

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May 14, 2008 · 4:06 pm

child support

here is a new take on that concept. my daughter, being thrilled with the whole idea of the blog, sends me this IM:

stand by your mom

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May 13, 2008 · 7:35 pm

spanx, dunkin’ donuts and the fear of youtube

how can you resist a title like that one?

you have all been here at one point. (except my friend joanne who did not know what spanx were… bitch!) 9PM the night before an event with ‘nothing to wear’. you have just about finished emptying the contents of your closet onto your bed. there are shoes and clothes everywhere and your husband calls innocently from downstairs, ‘hey, what’s up?’

your response in the voice of some horror film character, ‘don’t even THINK of coming up here!’

then you find it. that little black dress that you have had so long you forgot about it. the one that you would have spent 4 days trying to find if you were to go shopping (if the event were not the next day and a 3 hour drive from your house)

great. problem solved. well, almost.

that 10-year-old dress will surely need ‘a foundation garment’ (i started my career at a lingerie company) enter the spanx. we love these. they suck you in and flatten you out. but if you attempt to wear these for the 3 hour drive you will surely need to be hospitalized for gastro-intestinal damage. so you figure you can stop and change in the bathroom at a dunkin’ donuts off I-95.

until you remember last week’s headline:

Hidden Camera Found In Dunkin’ Donuts Bathroom

Shop Employee Arraigned On Charges Of Unlawful Surveillance

KINGS PARK, N.Y. (AP) ― A doughnut shop worker installed a surveillance camera in the women’s bathroom at work and watched the footage from a computer in his car, police said Sunday.

JUST GREAT! my worst nightmare. what if this is a trend and the whole eastern seaboard is riddled with DD employees filming bathroom scenes. i can see it now, i log onto my computer monday morning and there is a link from my biggest client to a youtube vid of me squeezing my fat ass into a pair of spanx! it doesn’t get any worse than that!

lesson learned? get there early enough to check into the hotel and change.

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