December 28, 2010 · 10:12 pm

800

This, my friends, is my 800th post! Crazy right? I know what you are thinking, ‘How did the crazy bitch come up with 800 things to write about’.

Well, I think the operative words would be ‘crazy bitch’.

I really can’t remember my life without blogging. I am not quite sure what I used to say in place of the words, ‘this would make a great post’.

It became part of the fabric of my days. A place to share an observation, a photo, of course something absurd and a whole lot of stuff about my dog.

Thanks for reading. I hope it amuses you as much is it does me.

I decided to take a look back at the first post I wrote. Well, it was technically the second post as the first one was an intro. Honestly, it was one of the funnier things I have ever written so I will share it here again.

Feel free to let me know if there are posts you liked, ones you didn’t or anything you would like to hear more about (I know, Dr. Jimmy, I need to write about the virtues of hotel sex).

Here’s to the next 800. May the universe continue to throw amusing things in my path.

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December 27, 2010 · 7:37 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – Old Dog in the Snow

This old girl has always loved the snow. She would be the first one out the door and the last one back in. But 11 some odd winters have played havoc on her old bones and for the first time she had a really hard time this year. Granted we got slammed with a foot and a half and moving around was hard for everyone.

But her heart wanted to bound while her body knew it did not have it in her anymore. Don’t be too sad. She had a modified snow day. And she seemed content to lay in the sun in the front hallway for the remainder of the day watching the weather through the glass.

But I will tell you that first thing this morning when she woke up and went to the back door I could absolutely read her mind, “And I am so supposed to go out and pee in this how?”

 

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December 27, 2010 · 2:36 pm

The ABCs of relaxing

Lately I have become a little obsessed with the instagram app on my ipod touch. I still suffer from iphone wannabeeism (waiting not so patiently for the Verzion iphone). But having the touch has allowed me to play with all the apps the other kids have. And when I say the other kids I mean the ones with AT&T iphones who suffer from another plight – that of the constantly dropping call.

Life is imperfect.

I am also one who has a hard time relaxing. When I have time off I tend to mark my days by accomplishments just the same. How many loads of laundry, how many meals cooked, items baked… see a pattern here?

Yesterday I folded and went for plain old feet up, read a book relaxing. I took the opp to document it and did not realize the titles of the books on the table until I looked at the photo today… Love and The Meaning of Life. Funny enough, The Art of Doing Nothing is also somewhere in that pile.

Perfect.

I think I might get used to doing nothing…

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December 22, 2010 · 11:19 pm

Twitter Parenting

For those of you who don’t know me, I am somewhat of a social media obsessed 50-something mom that jumps on most trends before her college aged kids because… well because frankly I am way cooler than they are. (says me)

Tonight, as I was wrapping up work around 10:45 because I have no life am trying to take some time off while my kids are home. I did a quick check in on twitter because I am addicted you never know what groundbreaking news or info you will find there.

Right there in the middle of my stream was my sweet adorable daughter, one of the last living breathing souls left in Madison, WI. She has not broken her record for having a final on December 23rd – the LAST day of finals – four years running! This is what she had to say.

This cracked me up as we are the family of the HEAVY tag when we fly. So shoot us, we like to have options.

I thought I would ease her mind and tweeted back:

For those unfamiliar with twitter, the # is called a hashtag. You use a hashtag at the end of a tweet to designate a topic. When a lot of people tweet with the same topic, that topic ‘trends’ or becomes the most popular thing people are talking about on twitter. At this moment the top trending topic is #howtopissyourgirloff. So I am thinking that it is not far-fetched to think that one of my hashtags could catch on.

Ok, maybe not #schmanboy.

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December 21, 2010 · 8:48 pm

Naturally, blame the mucus

Have you seen the Advil Congestion Relief commercial yet?

Woman is in bed with a terrible cold. Man with a t-shirt that reads MUCUS sits down on the bed.

00:01:02 It’s your fault.
00:01:04 Naturally, blame the mucus.
00:01:06 Well, I can’t breathe.
00:01:07 Did you try blowing your nose? of course.
00:01:09 [ Both ] AND NOTHING CAME OUT.
00:01:11 Instead of blaming me, try new advil congestion relief.

Can anyone explain why that makes me laugh so much? Yeh, I know, bodily function infantile behavior. So? C’mon, admit that you think it is funny too. I mean, can you imagine the creative team sitting in a conference room late at night before the client pitch? They’re all hopped up on caffeine and sugar and they have rejected at least a dozen ideas. Then someone stands up and shouts:

How ’bout we dress someone in a MUCUS t-shirt and use the line “naturally, blame the mucus”

Brilliance in advertising? Maybe not, but it certainly sticks.

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December 20, 2010 · 10:42 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – Hey, buddy can you spare a dime

Times are tough. And tough times take their toll on charities. Many a start-up has sprung up of late with microgiving solutions that allow people to give on any level they are comfortable.

The latest such brainchild is SwipeGood. This one is a complete no-brainer. The founders believe that giving should be simple, constant and ubiquitous. SwipeGood accomplishes that mission by rounding all your credit card purchases up to the nearest dollar. The ‘spare change’ is given to a charity of your choosing. Brilliant!

When you think about how easy it is to give in this way, continuously and without feeling the pinch, you wonder why no one has thought of this before.

In this season where so much is spent on nonsense and so many in need are doing without, it does my heart good to see an innovative concept like this emerge.

Spare change to effect change.

Nice concept indeed. (and not a bad tagline, now that I think of it)

 

 

 

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December 19, 2010 · 10:02 pm

F8S BOYZ

This one stopped me in my tracks. I would imagine that paint job has to be custom, right? I mean I can’t believe there is a market for hot pink jeeps, unless of course we are living in Barbieland. It really does look like her dream jeep, doesn’t it?

What confused me was the plate… F8S BOYZ? Fate’s Boys? Maybe in the West Village, but not in the Staples in Manhasset!

Floral peace sign on a hot pink jeep? I am dying to know the story behind this baby!

 

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December 18, 2010 · 11:40 pm

Anti-Customer Service

Or, how the hell can I get a Kindle without ordering it online?

December 16th. Shopping hell.

PC Richards: Hello, this is PC Richards, can I help you.

Me: Yes, can you tell me if you have the Kindle in stock.

PC Richards: please hold

Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Give up and redail.

PC Richards: Hello, this is PC Richards, can I help you.

Me: Yes, can you tell me if you have the Kindle in stock.

PC Richards: please hold

Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Finally someone picks up.

Me: Yes, can you tell me if you have the Kindle in stock.

Sales Associate: please hold.

Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Finally someone picks up.

Me: Yes, can you tell me if you have the Kindle in stock.

Sales Associate: We dont carry the Kindle.

Seriously?!!!

Best Buy: Hello, this is Best Buy northeastern regional office. If you would like the Westbury store please dial (totally muffled numbers reminiscent of the announcement in the subway).

Redial 411 get correct number.

Best Buy: Hello, this is Best Buy, please hold.

This is a joke, right?

The good news is that this hold has a tape loop with some really interesting facts:

Every day 28,00o people become eligible for a mobile phone upgrade. (interesting)

From Dec 26th – 31st the Geek Squad will have a hotline to help you with all the cool tech stuff you bought. We have 17,000 geek squad technicians nationwide.

Hmmm… I would be happier with the 28,000 number. Maybe we could train the people who are eligible for phone upgrades daily to beef up that stat.

Sales Associate: Hello, this is Best Buy, can I help you.

Me: Finally! Do you have Kindles in stock.

Sales Associate: Sorry, sold out.

FYI, total of 12 minutes on hold to find this out. Still better than PC Richard that did not even sell them. Or the 2 Staples that we had visited in the time that we were on the phone on hold. They had signs in every window advertising the Kindle till we got inside only to find out… they were out of stock!

Solution: Amazon… pay the $20 for overnight shipping. Call it a day.

Moral of the story? Read a book.

 

 

 

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December 17, 2010 · 11:36 pm

Window Warriors

Little green army men; will they ever go out of fashion. You buy them in a bag of dozens and they keep little boys busy for hours.

Sad but true.

This was a bizarre scene in a drug store window that I took a while back. I am not clear why a NYC retail establishment would dedicate this much window space to such a low cost item. Unless of course this was a show of patriotism and had nothing to do with merchandising.

Whenever I see these plastic figures. all I can think about is a childhood story of Gary’s where he bit off all the heads of the army men. Not clear on the motive.

Perhaps it was a political statement (unlikely).

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December 15, 2010 · 11:15 pm

Magnet for the Absurd

Doorbell rings. Dog barks. UPS man drives away. And there on my front stoop is a big old box from Cafepress.com.

Hmmm, what can this be? I open it up and there are 16 neatly wrapped identical square packages. I open the first one and there it is… the perfect MFTA mug.

Thanks to (uncle) Neal, who not only named me the MFTA but is not under any circumstances my uncle – and I still have no idea why we call him that. But he is surely as much my family as anyone who carries my bloodline. And knows me better than most.

The best part of this story is poor Neal had shoulder surgery last week and under the influence of some pretty crazy prescription drugs did not realize that instead of ordering 4 mugs he was ordering 4 sets of 4 mugs. I am thinking of planning an absurdity brunch. Imagine the criteria for an invitation!

Once again… I am the magnet for the absurd.

Thanks Neal, for the mugs, and for truly appreciating the finer points of my insanity. Love you, man.

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