Monthly Archives: July 2008

Hookers on the Highway


I have always been prone to obsessively photograph things. My son accused me of being ‘snap happy’ this weekend. (what? photographing three string mops against the wall outside the camp dining room is odd to you? You will eat those words when that shot appears here and you love it).

I need to always carry a camera with me because when I don’t, I am disappointed. I think, “What a great shot! Why didn’t I carry a camera?” (or as a producer friend used to say, “Amy, that is not a shot, that is real life”).

My poor husband. We have been on the road every weekend this summer and I am always shouting, “Wait! Stop, I have to get that shot”. That is almost as annoying as the fact that my bladder has a 2 hour shelf-life in the car. All that aside, I really am alot of fun on a road trip.

Back to the photo above. What the hell is this area used for? (Please feel free to speculate in the comments section) “Will everyone riding in the car with a woman they are paying to have sex with please check in at the Escort Area“.

Could this have been a final piece of Spitzer legislation? Ok, cheap shot but it was a great wrap up for this ridiculous post.

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Filed under humor, photography, road signs

Busting Chops


(I’m back – for those of you who might have missed me) Just returned from 4 days in the Adirondacks visiting the kids at camp. No cell service/no internet! More on that at a later date. 

Throughout history there have been revivals of a ridiculous sideburn fashion called ‘mutton chops’ for the obvious reason that the guy looked – well, pretty much like he had a little lamb hanging off his face.

For some reason – probably just because they can (or in some cases, kinda can) – 16-year-old boys at my son’s camp try out the growing of facial hair. Danny embraced this custom with a little more enthusiasm than his genetics would allow. (see above) He made a valiant effort at a goatee as well. Seemed there was simply more space than hair for the poor guy.

That said, on first seeing my daughter and asking how her brother was doing she said, “ his facial hair is soooo not ok.” She is usually very supportive but in this case I have to admit she was not too far off.

When I saw it, I was amused by the fact that my youngest was actually old enough to make this attempt. As the first day of visiting progressed we received all sorts of commentary about ‘Levinson’s Chops’. The older guys and most of his peers were supportive. The girls? Hands down felt they had to go. There were even requests to his counselors to shave him in his sleep (I think that was made by my daughter).

Danny? He appeared to enjoy the discussion without showing any signs of ego. I love this guy. He rises above it all and has a good time with it.

Saturday morning they were gone. I assume he was proud of his first attempt, felt the need to share it with us, but had grown tired of the growing.

This whole thing made me think, wow I am the mom of a facial hair grower. There I was, visiting the place I loved so much as a child. A place where so many rights of passage occurred in my own adolescence. This was our last visiting day at camp! Next year he will be a counselor. And she, well, she may be ready to move on after ten years.

Right there it occurred to me that I was aging out of this camp for the second time in my life.

I suppose you never stop the bittersweet job of growing up.

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Filed under family, fashion, humor, parenting, trends

I’ve been slimed!!


Ewwwww! No really, I am so not kiddding! EWWWWWWWWWWW!

I just let the pup out for the 300th time to pee. We have these racoon-proof garbage cans (why am I suddenly blogging about garbage so much?) and I noticed that the cleaning lady did not lock the handles. The last time this happened the poor little guy got into the can, ate what I am pretty sure was 2-year-old halloween candy that my son threw out (in a Ralph Lauren pillowcase I might add) and then promptly dropped dead in the middle of the street in front of my house. (the racoon, not my son).

That said, the only humane thing to do is make sure the handles are locked at night. So – uch, I can hardly write this one – when I went to lock the handle, squeezing it with my left hand…

there was a friggin slug on it and it slimed me!! I am not talking don’t be such a girl it can’t be that bad kind of slime. I am talking washed my hands 2x and it still would not come off sort of thing. Seriously, this was some kind of cosmic sticky snot I had here on my hand. After the first washing I thought it was off and that there was just a little soap left on my hand. Of course I went after Gary as if I had cooties and kept trying to touch him. (I can be such an infant sometimes).

He was not amused.

I finally had to scrub it off with a towel (not a Ralph Lauren one, thank goodness).

This all begs the question: would you rather have a dead racoon in the middle of the road in front of your house, or be slimed by a slug and not able to get it off?

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Filed under homeowner, humor

Where the Party At?

Oh the suburbs! You just never know when the zip code will give you a little laugh.

Garbage day, that is a concept you don’t know from in the city. But here in the burbs we have set days that the garbage is put out at the curb for pick up.

The other morning, after the dog walk (the wandering rascal is leashed for this) I was talking with the neighbor and his adorable grandson when I noticed that there was some garbage at my curb that I did not recognize. (yes, I am very close with my garbage if you must know).

Get this, it was a Coors Lite 12 pack. I certainly do not drink Coors Lite and Gary does not drink at all! And if you are all paying attention out there, the hormonal teens in my house are away for the summer. In this box were the empties, a few crumpled snack bags and right on top, neatly placed, a stack of red plastic cups like the one above. A regular little party on the go, if you will.

I am not sure if this is just a thing in our town, but for some reasons teenagers always drink beer out of these red Solo cups. Never blue or white or clear for that matter, only these red ones. HS kids here have actually gotten in trouble with the school district for having Facebook pics holding these red babies. Very incriminating indeed. (I am thinking their civil liberties might have been violated there, no?)

I digress, sorry. Being the CSI queen, or as Gary has dubbed me more than once, the Dick in the Mouth Detective, I came to the conclusion that some teen in the ‘hood did not want to get caught having a party while the rents were out and got up early to unload the evidence with my garbage.

Not only creative, but I have to say I was rather impressed at the environmentally sound means of disposal. I am thinking at that age we just left them on the closest street corner and ran away.

Ahhhh, GenGreen, how could I get mad at these little degenerates!

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Filed under family, humor, teenagers

Dog in Street…

While we are on the subject of pets, here are a couple of real life stories about my sweet pup, Mel. For those who have noticed she is the dog with glasses on my avatar.

She is a white lab, definitely part rabbit and as sweet as can be. But she does suffer from the occasional bout of wanderlust (maybe she needs to be medicated).

The note above is an actual UPS post-it that I found on my front door few months ago. Having worked at home for many years, the UPS and Fed Ex guys know me pretty well. And they know my dog even better as she has a habit of running onto their trucks when they deliver here. Apparently she had gotten out of the back gate without my knowledge, the UPS guy found her and put her in the back, leaving me the note.

I have written this particular post today for my dear friend Joanne. You all know her, the one who does not know what spanx are. Joanne and I watch eachother’s dogs when we go away. They are like two old ladies together and they are very much at home in eachother’s houses.

This past weekend while we were whooping it up in Montauk, Mel was swimming in the pool at Joanne’s and getting the good dog food (the stuff in the can that I won’t feed her). Still not quite sure why she would want to wander from that Shangri-la, but you know how dogs can be.

Joanne called to tell me that she was in her house when the doorbell rang. She opened the door to find the husband of another one of the First Thursday Girls with Mel in the front seat of his car. Apparently he was driving down the road and found her out for a stroll. As he said, good thing as that would be a pretty tough phone call to make…

“uh, well, like your dog is dead.” kind of a relationship killer, don’t you think?

i told her not to worry as the last time her dog was here she took off and I had four 15 year old boys running around the neighborhood in fear of that same dreaded phone call.

my husband’s response? if you kill my dog I am taking yours! (very adult)

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Filed under friendship, humor, mel, pets

Does Fluffy REALLY Need a Facelift?

Actually, it was liposuction that was cited in another of a series of outrageous ‘health-related’ articles this weekend, but as my friend Barb pointed out, the alliteration worked better in the title. And of course I LOVE alliterations.

Once again, the Sunday NYT did not disappoint for blog material.

Cover of the mag section… Animal Pharm. Here is the article “Pill Popping Pets” (of course I like my title better)

Some staggering statistiscs:

• Americans forked over $49 billion for pet products and services last year, up $11.5 billion from 2003

• other than consumer electronics, pet products are the fastest-growing retail segment. (remind me again why I am not tapping into this market?)

• A third of the total spending, and the fastest-growing category, is health care, with treatments formerly reserved for people — root canals, chemotherapy, and you guessed it, liposuction AND mood pills — being administered to pets. (I have been doing work in the healthcare market for years, again, why am I not tapping into this?)

Now, I am not one to judge pet health care spending. After all, when my dog (the greatest animal ever born) was under 3 she had not one, but two knee surgeries. (Hey, what was I supposed to do when she blew them out, get her a little cart?) And I do love her to death but quite frankly her fat ass will not be getting any liposuction if mine isn’t.

Perhaps I should say, “F the lipo, eat a big bowl of kibble”.

The administering of anti-depressants to dogs is also more than I can handle. How about this quote:

For lonely dogs with separation anxiety, Eli Lilly brought to market its own drug Reconcile last year. The only difference between it and Prozac is that Reconcile is chewable and tastes like beef.

OMG, can you imagine the mix up with a family member? “Honey, I took my meds this morning and the strangest thing happened, I have been craving a burger all day”.

My last word on this:

Woof!

 

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Filed under humor, pets

Not a Bad Place to Work

You guessed it… on the road again.

We are on tour every weekend this month.

See, all you people who thought it was cruel to send our kids away for the summer are starting to get jealous.

This weekend we are in Montauk with the in-laws. Again, another perfect spot on Long Island. It is called ‘The End’. You drive east from Manhattan and stop when you can’t go any further.

Now all of you people who have made fun of Long Island all these years for being all strip malls and housing devolopments can eat your words.

How amazing is this view? This is the backyard of a house my in-law sibs are renting.

Gary is pretty sure It doesn’t suck to wrap up the work week with a few calls from this spot.

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Filed under the new workplace, vacation

F the Botox. Eat a big sandwich.

One interesting evening with the First Thursdays I was asked what I had been using on my eyes. ‘Huh?’, I asked (profoundly, I might add. I can be that way). “Um, what do you mean on my eyes?”. To clarify, they wanted to know what I was using on my eyes because they were not that wrinkled.

Here’s the thing. I do happen to have wonderful genes. Both grandmothers had amazing skin. So I am blessed. That aside, I subscribe to the theory that as Catherine Deneuve once said (and I paraphrase) 10 lbs on your ass does wonders for your face at a certain age.

Or in my words, “F the Botox. Eat a big sandwich”. 

Let’s face it my friends, being extremely thin after, let’s say fortyblahblahblah, gives ones face a gaunt look. The little bit of extra weight is like natural Botox if you will. It fills you out, and stretches those wrinkles away.

Hey, I am all for anything that makes you feel better about yourself. And I am not going to preach about not having plastic surgery, because if that rings your bell and makes you feel good, go for it.

But what scares me is the obsessive race for perfection. Two consecutive weeks the NYT ran articles as absurd as the Emporer’s new nail polish.  

First one from June 23rd was in the Suburban Trends section, called Promoting Plastic Surgery Party Style (oy). Here is a quote if I ever read one:

“The event attracted about 200 people, mostly women, paying $20 apiece; it cost about $12,000. Dr. Greenberg described it as “like a bar mitzvah.” It had an open bar, a disc jockey and performers on stilts during cocktail hour. The dinner buffet included carving, pasta and dim sum stations.

Hey ladies, lay off the friggin dim sum and pasta and you can avoid the lipo altogether! And of course the Bar Mitzvah comment was heartwarming. Now performers on stilts are considered commonplace when celebrating your child reading from the Torah?!

July 3rd Sunday Times Style section had this article about – no this can’t be true– and a woman doc no less… vaginal cosmetic surgery! Just when we were starting to worry about our crow’s feet and sagging whatevers, some lunatic has now come along to tell us that we need to consider a little nip and tuck in, as my husband fondly says, the hey–nanny-nanny. This must fall under the category of WAY too much time and money on your hands. Here is the most hysterical post from blogher on that article.

The race to beat aging is a losing battle. I’m not saying let yourself go, but hey a nice big sandwich once in awhile can’t be a bad thing. Sure beats shooting poison into your face!

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Filed under fashion, humor, trends, women

Burning Mouth Syndrome?!

Yes, this is a real thing. (no that is not a picture of my actual tongue)

So of course if it is weird, I would get it, right?

A few months ago I started to have these odd symptoms like my mouth was burned. You know, like when you eat really hot pizza and you feel as if the roof of your mouth has turned to melted string cheese? (nice visual, right?).

Off I went to my dentist who gave me this speech about ‘women in their menopausal years’ yadayadayada. Another reason why menopause needs rebranding – tying all these nasty disorders to this lovely time of life. Then he comes up with an article from the Yale Taste Lab. I mean really, does this place actually exist? (it surely does) Imagine what a party it is in that place everyday. On top of menopause these Ivy League geniuses tied this to anxiety, depression, stress… the usual suspects. After all, everyone knows that women of a certain age are all crazy bee-otches, right? (husband, please do not answer that question, it was rhetorical)

I mentioned this to my new bbff (best blog friend forever) Liz, at Flashfree who had just done a post on menopause and taste. I hit send and within hours she had researched the hell out of this and done another amazing post about BMS, complete with a groovy youtube vid of the Trammps’ Disco Inferno (burn baby burn). That song NEVER gets old, does it? Thanks Liz, you rock.

Bottom line? There are all sorts of treatments. None proven.

Except of course the fact that if there is an odd symptom out there, chances are someone in my house will have it.

Ice pop, anyone?

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Filed under health, humor, women

Why You Should Always Carry a Camera in the Mall (vol 1)

You can’t make this up. I have always made it a habit of trying to carry a camera at all times. This is actual signage at a mall near my home.

Woody Allen would have some complaint about the difference in the size of the letters between these two words, perhaps even go on some tirade about persecution.

Actually, this is an issue not of persecution, but perception. Of course we know there is no reality, only perception (more on this at another time, for sure).

Below is the full (damaged) signage. How long do you think it will take these guys to notice their subliminal message?

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Filed under humor, photography, signage