Category Archives: Uncategorized

College Move-in, Big Box Style

big-box-logos

This post is dedicated to all you fellow parents out there partaking in the annual ritual of moving your offspring into the countless institutions of higher learning across this great land.

You know who you are. All of you flocking to the big box stores, veteran patrons of the Bed Bath and Beyond retail brainstorm: ‘pack and hold’. Consumers of everything that is not nailed down in Target’s ‘College ’09’ aisle. Walmart, Costco and Best Buy fans. If you are anything like me, around hour 36 you were resembling some sort of parental Night of the Living Dead character wandering around the aisles insisting on ridiculous items like shoe organizers and storage bins ad nauseam; the last shred of your sanity gone out the window with your third Starbucks of the day.

Seriously folks, we have surely lost our minds, have we not?

And if I were to guess correctly, most of you went off to college with some big ass ole Bose 901 speakers, a few cinder blocks and wood boards, a couple of orange and milk crates and an album collection that took up three quarters of your parents’ car.

There were no fashionable color coordinated canvas storage bins or over the door hooks, no shower caddies or must have bed in a bag sets. You had some clothes, a few towels, the old linens from your parents’ house an indian tapestry bed spread from the headshop and you were good to go.

Show of hands please, how many of  you had the coordinated dust ruffle for your bed? Yeh, that’s what I thought. Come to think of it, we did not even have bed frames, the fashion of the times was box spring and mattress on the floor. Anybody out there feeling like their college years were somehow not fulfilled because they did not own the ShamWow, or its pathetic copycat, the ShamEase (whose name is not nearly as cool).

So what has made us fall into this trap? Oh right, because we created it. We are the As Seen on TV generation of parents and damn it our kids’ will be organized and color coordinated even if it makes us broke!

Hey, I am not pointing fingers. I am as guilty as they come. You might recognize me as the woman who was wondering up State Street in Madison, WI muttering about the third curtain rod I bought that was finally the right size while searching for a hardware store to buy a rubber mallet.

Don’t ask!

(Stay tuned tomorrow for the funny stories)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

11 Comments

Filed under absurdities, college, humor, Jana, moms, parenting

Sticky Dicky? (they Krazy Glued what?)

crazy-glueForgive me if you are tired of this story by now, but seriously, did you think I could leave this one unmentioned?

This Wisco ‘playah’ was lured to a motel room by one of his handful of lovers and was bound and blindfolded, most probably in hopes of a little action. To his surprise, his wife and two other angry lovers arrived and this poor schnook wound up with his dick stuck to his stomach with crazy glue.

Ouch. And quite creative, I might add. The visual on this one kills me.

(Note: Let’s not feel too bad for this dickhead (or shall I say dickbelly) as he has now been charged with felony child abuse and three other misdemeanors. Could one of them have been nail polish remover theft? Is that a misdemeanor?)

Oddly enough, as innovative as this act might have appeared, it was not original. Apparently back in 2000 a man found himself in a similar bind. Only this guy not only had his penis stuck to his stomach, he also found his testicles glued to his leg and his butt cheeks glued together. All done while he was sleeping! To quote Gary, “Now, that’s tough!”  I know it is cruel but I cannot stop laughing from that one. Do you think the Wisco guy called him to find out what solvent to use?

I am reminded of good old John and Lorena Bobbit. Now there is a guy who would have begged for some crazy glue!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

5 Comments

Filed under absurdities, current events, humor, men, men and women

Rethinking a Wardrobe Choice

I-just-farted

Yes, I know, I am the ultimate MFTA (magnet for the absurd). It is no longer a coincidence that things like this present themselves to me like little bloggy gifts. I still hold to the idea that many people see things like this. They just don’t process or don’t carry a camera.

So, ok, let’s take a look at this ‘I Just Farted (You should run now) T-shirt on this rather portly gent. I will only comment by saying,’What the hell was he thinking?’ This was taken at a kids summer camp alumni weekend. Perhaps the thought was ‘Hey, farting always gets a good laugh, why not?’

This next one is from visiting day a few years back at the same camp:

I-only-date-MILFS

This one kills me on oh so many levels. First, the shirt is flaming orange, no way we can miss it. Second, this guy is the father of 3 boys – to quote my daughter ‘what the hell?’ Third – let’s just say MILFs ain’t dating him back, K? All joking aside, this man actually planned to wear this. He packed it in his suitcase and thought to himself, ‘Hey wouldn’t it be cool to totally humiliate my kids on visiting day?’ Or maybe he just thought it was funny. Scarier.

Ok, one more:

as-a-kite

This one does not fall in the offensive category, in fact I find it rather graphically clever (even though I hate that typeface but that is my own personal graphic design neurosis). Thankfully this was not at camp with kids around, that would just be wrong. But it was at a concert where you would think if this guy was high, perhaps he would want to be a little more discreet about it.

Or not.

Guys, when you get dressed for these events, might I suggest you consult a woman before leaving the house?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

4 Comments

Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, humor, photography, products, t-shirts, trends

Proof my dog and I might be genetically linked

meds

Scary, but I think it is true.

My dog has not been feeling well lately. She has been panting at odd times and drinking a ton, so I decided it was time to bring her to the vet. Please understand that I love this animal as if she were part of the family. No, I do not walk her in a stroller, I am able to differentiate between my kids and my pet, but I do love her  just the same.

Keep in mind she just turned 11, so going to the vet to find out what is wrong is a tricky proposition. Nothing worse than dropping 1,000 bucks to find out your dog is terminal. Luckily, she is not. And it only cost $480 to find that out – a bargain.

It seems, good ole Mel suffers from hypothyroidism. This would explain her weight gain (not the table scraps I have berated Gary for giving her) and could explain her other symptoms. Oh, and her pH is off (what the hell?).

So who else in this house suffers from this plight? You guessed it (and the photo gave it away). So, my friends, my dog and I are now on the same meds!

I am praying she does not get rabies!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

4 Comments

Filed under absurdities, health, humor, humor, mel, pets

Stroller Dog

dog-in-stroller

As a follow up to the leashed toddler from Monday, here is another shot from that same day on the boardwalk.

These confused ‘parents’ had their dog in the stroller. Where the hell was their kid, on a leash? Or better yet at the kennel.

Maybe it was the heat, or perhaps people are just crazy in any weather. What worries me the most is that this is a double stroller, so they are either missing their kid or another dog.

To add a little interest to this post, let’s do a Where’s Amy on this one.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

4 Comments

Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, humor, parenting, photography, Where's Amy?

The Kid on a Leash with a Monkey on Her Back

kid-leash-monkey

Ah,  a beautiful afternoon walk on the boardwalk of my childhood. What a fine day to take one’s toddler out for a walk…

… on a leash! What were these parents thinking? You leash pets. Kids? You should hold their hands.

I know there is a segment of the parent population out there that thinks they are keeping their kids safe by leashing them. I just don’t buy it. I have had toddlers. Wandering toddlers at that. And I never once felt compelled to harness and leash them. I don’t know how the rest of you feel about this but I find the whole leash movement disturbing.

Look at this picture. If the parents only looked in the general direction of the kid instead of everywhere else, maybe there would be no need for the leash.

Does she get a biscuit at the end of the walk?

The monkey on the back was the icing on the cake for me. (apparently the monkey is part of the apparatus) We were walking and I said, “Hey look, there is a kid on a leash with a monkey on her back.”

This was the point of the day that I realized that I am starting to speak in blog post titles.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

17 Comments

Filed under absurdities, family, humor, parenting

A man walks into a dentist’s office… naked!

iStock_000001172175Medium0308-225_0

No, this is not the beginning of a corny joke. This was on this evening’s news.

It seems Christopher Hoff was a little warm today and decided to pay his dentist a visit sans clothing. No biggie, really. Just hop in the car, take a little ride and walk into the reception area with not a stitch of clothing on.

The receptionist? Well she screamed of course.

So he ran.

But the cops found him at home where he claimed to have been sleeping. Bud, just curious, by any chance did you dream about being naked in the dentist’s office?

Here is the best part. The receptionist was able to identify him immediately because ‘his eyes were very blue and he had a good tan’. Um, hon, this guy had his dick hanging out and you noticed his EYE COLOR? Any one else find this odd?

In case you are wondering he was charged with two counts of disorderly conduct and one count of public indecency. And failure to comply with fingerprinting. Maybe they should have taken a print of his… never mind.

So tell me, Dr. Jimmy, have you had any naked patients lately?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

3 Comments

Filed under absurdities, humor, news, things i've heard

To the young women on the cell phone on the train…

Travelling backpacker

Did you think you were alone in that car? Were you under the impression that all of us sitting near you were deaf? More than once I have been on a train where people have aired their dirty laundry as if they were the only ones around. I have heard about family feuds, business deals gone bad, the intimate details of teen children’s social lives and marriages on the brink. But never have I heard a conversation quite like this one.

By the end of the 35 minute trip to the city I knew more about your life than I do about most of my dear friends. Because of the sheer stupidity of airing your dirty laundry on a commuter train, I will honor that by sharing some sound bytes with my readers. Hold on to your hats, kids, this chick is out there. Quotes are from her, italics are my commentary.

“So he said to me, “Tell your dad if all he cares about is his money, he can suck my dick.”

Hmmm, good start, right?

“I mean he broke my heart and stole my money. I told him he is going to have to work really hard to win me back.”

Ummm, why do you WANT him back?

“He wants to know why we can’t just be together. It’s so sad cuz we used to have so much fun till he stole my (dad’s) credit cards.”

Wait, he stole your credit cards and you are thinking you can work things out?

“He complained that my family is just all about the money and I told him that is what Long Island is like. He’s from Brooklyn and just does not get it.”

Sweetie, I think he gets it fine. He seems pretty much about the money if he stole yours. And, correct me if I am wrong but I think there are plenty of parts of Brooklyn that are about the money. Have you ever been to the Heights?

“He gets all defensive as if I did something wrong whenever I want to talk about him paying us back. It is so weird.”

Weird? Sounds kind of psychopathic to me.

And this is my fave of all:

“I told him he needs to learn that going to school is better than stealing and dealing drugs.”

Ya think? What the hell!

I was told today that people sense my being and then they perform for me so I can blog about it. Could that actually be true? Could I be a cosmic magnet for the absurd?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

8 Comments

Filed under absurdities, conversations, humor, things i've heard, travel, women

She awoke and saw stars

star-tattoo-face

Here is an odd story. This ‘young housewife’, 18-year-old Kimberley Vlaeminck of Belgium, claims she asked for three little points on her forehead but the tattoo artist suggested three stars would be prettier.

Get this, she WENT TO SLEEP to avoid the pain. How the hell do you fall asleep while someone is tattooing your face?! Are they leaving out some details from this story – like narcotics maybe? I mean, we are not talking about removing a splinter, we are talking about injecting ink into your face!

She claims she awoke to 56 stars on her face; poorly rendered I might add. Nice look. As far as the tattoo artist is concerned, she was onboard with this until her dad caught wind of it and she pulled the nap story out of her hat. She is now suing the tattoo parlor.

I am reminded of my favorite line from Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert:

Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it’s what you want before you commit…

Hmm, I wonder if this chick is considering motherhood.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

5 Comments

Filed under absurdities, body image, current events, fashion, humor, trends, women

Camp Trunks

camp-trucking

Photo courtesy of Camp Trucking (some scary photoshop work there, wouldn’t you say?). Let’s hope this little plug helps to get our baggage moved with extra loving care.

Jana: Mom, seriously, you don’t need to nametape my underwear. (translation: hanky panky’s or the Gap knock-offs look equally silly with a nametape in them – keep your mitts off them)

Danny: Just let her do the nametaping. She can’t help herself this time of year. It is what she does. (this kid has always fully understood me)

Jana: Mom! We don’t send our stuff to the camp laundry as counselors. I will bring Danny’s into town and have them do it too. They charge like $8.00 for a week’s worth of laundry. (as an aside here I am thinking of driving my laundry up to the Adrondacks at that price)

Me: Danny, how do I nametape the reversible shorts?

Danny: MOM! Stop. You really have to let go of the nametaping thing. (ok, so maybe his patience is not as great as his understanding of me).

Me: Let’s go toiletry shopping. Remember how we always love to do this every year?

Danny: No, YOU love to do it. But you seem to forget that Jana and I did this without you last year because you had a deadline.

Me: All the more reason to do it all together this year.

I guess he is right. I am kind of pathetic around this time of year.

There are households in my zip code that start packing the trunks weeks before they go out. Us? They go out on Thursday.

We are thinking of doing it tomorrow night.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

8 Comments

Filed under danny, family, humor, Jana