Category Archives: products

December 18, 2010 · 11:40 pm

Anti-Customer Service

Or, how the hell can I get a Kindle without ordering it online?

December 16th. Shopping hell.

PC Richards: Hello, this is PC Richards, can I help you.

Me: Yes, can you tell me if you have the Kindle in stock.

PC Richards: please hold

Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Give up and redail.

PC Richards: Hello, this is PC Richards, can I help you.

Me: Yes, can you tell me if you have the Kindle in stock.

PC Richards: please hold

Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Finally someone picks up.

Me: Yes, can you tell me if you have the Kindle in stock.

Sales Associate: please hold.

Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Finally someone picks up.

Me: Yes, can you tell me if you have the Kindle in stock.

Sales Associate: We dont carry the Kindle.

Seriously?!!!

Best Buy: Hello, this is Best Buy northeastern regional office. If you would like the Westbury store please dial (totally muffled numbers reminiscent of the announcement in the subway).

Redial 411 get correct number.

Best Buy: Hello, this is Best Buy, please hold.

This is a joke, right?

The good news is that this hold has a tape loop with some really interesting facts:

Every day 28,00o people become eligible for a mobile phone upgrade. (interesting)

From Dec 26th – 31st the Geek Squad will have a hotline to help you with all the cool tech stuff you bought. We have 17,000 geek squad technicians nationwide.

Hmmm… I would be happier with the 28,000 number. Maybe we could train the people who are eligible for phone upgrades daily to beef up that stat.

Sales Associate: Hello, this is Best Buy, can I help you.

Me: Finally! Do you have Kindles in stock.

Sales Associate: Sorry, sold out.

FYI, total of 12 minutes on hold to find this out. Still better than PC Richard that did not even sell them. Or the 2 Staples that we had visited in the time that we were on the phone on hold. They had signs in every window advertising the Kindle till we got inside only to find out… they were out of stock!

Solution: Amazon… pay the $20 for overnight shipping. Call it a day.

Moral of the story? Read a book.

 

 

 

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December 15, 2010 · 11:15 pm

Magnet for the Absurd

Doorbell rings. Dog barks. UPS man drives away. And there on my front stoop is a big old box from Cafepress.com.

Hmmm, what can this be? I open it up and there are 16 neatly wrapped identical square packages. I open the first one and there it is… the perfect MFTA mug.

Thanks to (uncle) Neal, who not only named me the MFTA but is not under any circumstances my uncle – and I still have no idea why we call him that. But he is surely as much my family as anyone who carries my bloodline. And knows me better than most.

The best part of this story is poor Neal had shoulder surgery last week and under the influence of some pretty crazy prescription drugs did not realize that instead of ordering 4 mugs he was ordering 4 sets of 4 mugs. I am thinking of planning an absurdity brunch. Imagine the criteria for an invitation!

Once again… I am the magnet for the absurd.

Thanks Neal, for the mugs, and for truly appreciating the finer points of my insanity. Love you, man.

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December 10, 2010 · 10:05 pm

4th Amendment Wear

This could be the most brilliant product of the decade. Designed by Tim Geoghegan and Matthew Ryan, these products show that bitching and moaning are not nearly as effective as making an intelligent statement.

A silent protest to the absurd lengths the TSA has taken security screening, this clothing proudly displays the 4th amendment. There are socks with it plainly written on top. Some funny kids’ stuff telling the ‘pervs’ to read the 4th amendment. But my favorites are these Ts and underwear printed in metallic ink that can be picked up by the scanners.

Peaceful protest.

Intelligent.

Non-threatening.

Makes the point without being disruptive.

File under ‘why did I not think of this’.

For those who are unfamiliar with the 4th Amendment:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Probable cause… indeed!

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October 27, 2010 · 11:49 pm

Booty Pop – When baby don’t have back

Yes folks, now you too can have that perfect booty. With Booty Pop. What are these, you ask? Well, they are the panties that make your booty pop.

And we want our booty pop because…

Oh right, I am not the demographic.

As they say on the website “Lose that boring backside. Get a Booty-licious booty in an instant?” Oh dear lord. Then what happens when he falls for your big ole backside and you slide those suckers off and he finds the only thing in your panties is that boring backside. So, these are actually butt falsies? What next?

These were found in the Bed Bath & Beyond sale rack. Thinking maybe the BBB shopper out looking for some cookware or maybe a bathroom hutch is not in the market for Booty Pop panties. But hey, you never know.

Makes a nice impulse buy item.

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October 17, 2010 · 11:20 pm

60 Minutes and Erectile Dysfunction

Nope, they did not do a piece on 60 minutes about E.D. But they might has well have.

I was busy cooking away and more listening than watching 60 minutes tonight and first came (no pun) the new Viagra spot. It’s all Steve McQueenish with bluesy music and a classic car, the open road and a dusty gas station in the middle of nowhere. You can view it here.

I love this line: “This is the age of getting things done.” Oh jeez. Yeh baby, you can still ‘get things done’.  And then there is the bottled water spilling oh so sensually into the radiator. Yowza. But the line that got me the most was something about finding out what 20 million men already know.

Really? 20 million men have used Viagra. Damn, that’s a lot of wood! I am hard-pressed (again, no pun) to believe that all 20 mil actually suffer from E.D. What percentage do you think take it just to see… well you know.

Second spot was for Cialis. This brand has the best ‘warning’ line of all times: “To avoid serious injury, tell your doctor if you sustain an erection for more than 4 hours.’ I always wonder, ‘injury to who?’ This is Gary’s favorite. He loves how they made a warning line into a tagline.

So here is the thing. Two E.D. med ads during a single half hour of 60 minutes. Am I to believe that young guys don’t watch 60 mintues?

Yep, this is the sort of thing I think about when I am cooking.

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September 27, 2010 · 10:48 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – philosophy(.com)

philosphy. Ok this product line had me at hello. Or should I say they had me at birthday girl. Here is a line of cosmetics that has ME written all over it. A lover of fine design and deep thoughts with a side of nostalgia and well… Philosphy; I am slain by this company.

Forget about the fact that the actual products are fabulous, the positioning of this brand has sold me even if it was dreck (which it is most certainly not) Their product names are all in lowercase (if you have ever received a social email from you that is how I write)

If I were asked to come up with a product line this would have been it. So needless to say I am a little bummed that I did not. Every item is named thoughtfully with a little story to tell and a lesson to learn:

amazing grace: “life is a classroom. we are both student and teacher. each day is a test…”

soul owner: “let’s review your only true assets. you own your values, your integrity, your thoughts, your words, your actions and therefore your destiny…”

Hey, these are some pretty heady thoughts for a shower gel and an exfoliating foot cream.

A big thank you to Dr. Judy for buying me this gift. I will leave you with what is written on the outside of the birthday girl kit; something i read at my birthday dinner and choked us all up a bit. Hey, you know how a table of menopausal women can get.

“philosophy: be grateful to have been given one more day, let alone one more year. remember to dance in your nightgown, sing in the shower, ride a bike, fly a kite and take an occasional “wind bath” in your bare skin. give those you love big kisses, huge hugs, and the words “i love you” often and always. nurture your body rather than starve your soul with fad dieting (this one was my fave!) spend time with the old and the weary to better appreciate your life. on your birthday, call your mother and father wherever they are to thank them for all that they have done for you, even if you think they haven’t done enough. watch the movie “life is beautiful” at least once a year. remember that you are not guaranteed tomorrow and that today is as good as it gets. thank G-d for every “thing,” every “day,” every moment.”™

Of course the ™ at the end did ruin it a bit, but hey, you have to protect the intellectual property.

So, to the makers of philosophy, you rock. And get yourself on OpenSky soon, you are a perfect fit.

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September 22, 2010 · 6:51 pm

Everybody Loves a Good Fart Whistle

Hell yeh, let’s Party like crazy with some fart whistles! What could be better?

No, this is not a mock pack of something I dreamed up inside my sordid little mind. These suckers are right off the shelf of the party section at Target. I only regret I did not buy a case of these. Seriously, can you think of a party where these would not be a big hit?

I believe they are simply the fart part of the the whoopie cushion without the pillow part.

But please parents, no matter how tempting, do not buy these for kids under 5, there is a choking hazard warning. I am not sure if they would actually choke or simply fart uncontrollably from their mouths as they are tubular and allow the air to pass through. Perhaps it would more correctly be a die of embarrassment hazard.

In case you are wondering why I bought them, other than the obvious need to blog about this little morsel of MFTA…

They were part of my son’s 18 birthday presents. I will have to ask him how they worked out in the dorm. (hopefully not in library).


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September 2, 2010 · 7:05 pm

What Flavoured Soup Mix?

I just could not put the name of this soup in my post title for fear of what Google would drive here. Although it is tempting – being a blog whore and all – to get some cheap stats by using the word ‘cock’ in a post title. But I have enough weirdos googling things like ‘castrated men’, ‘me with bulges’ and a big fave this week, ‘orange peel penis’, which in case you missed  it was an actual blog post you can read here.

So yes, my friends, for those of you who savor the flavor, so to speak, you can go home and cook yourself a big bowl of Cock Flavoured Soup tonight. Who knows what will cum of it (sorry, cheap shot). I particularly like that this is made by a company called Grace. And just because I think it takes a lot of balls (again, sorry, cheap shot 2) to make a soup by this name I will give the dear people at Grace a little link love and let you know where you can buy this stuff. It would surely make a great gag gift (ok, I am taking this a bit too far, so sue me!)

A big thanks to Paula P for sending this one in. Truthfully, who had better friends than me?

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July 15, 2010 · 5:42 pm

Flushing out ideas and marketing the crap out of them

Ok, today’s post is a little entertainment from the land of advertising. Is it still referred to as Madison Avenue or have the likes of crowdsourcing and word of mouth made that obsolete?

Whatever, this sucker came up as a facebook ad and I could not resist the click. You know, considering my obsession with ‘output’ and all. Would it really come as a surprise to you that a women who wrote about her colonoscopy in three acts would be inclined to go for the click on an ad with the title ‘Potty parody’ featuring a geeky guy on the toilet? I mean, a woman has only so much restraint!

I have also written about the Toilet Paper Advertising Smackdown so I suppose I am an expert the excrement, if you will.

Or won’t, for that matter.

So Clorox, don’t get all excited about me promoting your brand of toilet cleaner (mostly because I fear my green friends will get their underwear all in a knot over that… cough cough Dani and Jessica G). For the purpose of this post I am simply recognizing the creative and commending you on the facebook ad placement. That silly little targeting algorithm sure has this chick’s number.

The video is goofy but well written in an I-can’t-believe-how-lame-this-is-cheap-shot-sort-of-middle-school-bathroom- humor-that-I-still-have-not-outgrown sort of way. Tragically geekster hip but funny just the same. However, Ode to the Commode does not wring my bell nearly as much as the title of this post which came from the copy.

Here’s the vid, kids. See for yourselves. And there is a little poll at the end to vote for your favorite campaign name. Simply for my own entertainment.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 9, 2010 · 10:31 pm

Britney Barbie – hold the undies

Cheap shot, I know. Who could resist what with her latest headlines about sexually harrassing her bodyguard by walking around her house naked in front of him. Yeh, I would imagine most guys would hate that. WTF?

Could it be true that her dad charged her staff to make sure she never left the house without underwear on? A 29-year-old woman whose dad is doing a regular skivvie check, what is that all about?

I am thinking she could offset the legal bills if she licensed herself for the limited edition britney barbie sans foundation garments.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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