Category Archives: humor

June 17, 2009 · 10:54 pm

She awoke and saw stars

star-tattoo-face

Here is an odd story. This ‘young housewife’, 18-year-old Kimberley Vlaeminck of Belgium, claims she asked for three little points on her forehead but the tattoo artist suggested three stars would be prettier.

Get this, she WENT TO SLEEP to avoid the pain. How the hell do you fall asleep while someone is tattooing your face?! Are they leaving out some details from this story – like narcotics maybe? I mean, we are not talking about removing a splinter, we are talking about injecting ink into your face!

She claims she awoke to 56 stars on her face; poorly rendered I might add. Nice look. As far as the tattoo artist is concerned, she was onboard with this until her dad caught wind of it and she pulled the nap story out of her hat. She is now suing the tattoo parlor.

I am reminded of my favorite line from Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert:

Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it’s what you want before you commit…

Hmm, I wonder if this chick is considering motherhood.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 14, 2009 · 8:55 pm

If the hag fits, wear it!

attic

Let me preface this with the fact that I have lived in my house for 20 years this month and my attic is, well, let me say where we keep EVERYTHING! Skeletons, portraits – ok, those are not so subtle proverbial examples – but truthfully I have a playpen up there and my youngest is taking his road test this Friday.

When the central air conditioning guys come for maintenance I win the award for the scariest attic. “M’aam (I hate when they call me that) you have a lovely, well-kept home but your attic is a horror show.”

This weekend Gary went up to the attic and passed down the camp trunks and duffles to Danny. I stood at the bottom of the steps bossing them both around because that is what I do.

After the camp crap beloved camp items were dragged down to the living room, I heard Gary banging around in the attic. There could be nothing good about this. Let me explain that when Gary gets a burst of homeowner energy I know there will invariably be something else that catches his attention in the middle and the task will go unfinished. His intentions are honorable but his desire to close is simply not there. At this very moment I was rather annoyed that after 20 years of recklessly filling the attic with useless crap he chose 4 days before the camp trunks were being picked up to clean it.

Me: What are you doing up there?

Gary: Leave me the hell alone, you crazy old hag.

I am not sure why this struck us both so funny, but at the same moment we both started cracking up. And there was poor Danny, standing on the landing between us in a bewildered state.

Danny: I will never get the two of you.

Seriously, Gary was lucky I was in a good mood. That comment could have ended badly if I were in a hormonal rage.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 13, 2009 · 10:11 pm

To the Man at Starbucks Last Night

starbucksI am not quite sure if you were sticking around to hear our conversation because it was like staring at the accident, or if you were just paralyzed and were not sure when would be an opportune moment to get up and leave. Either way, I hope we entertained you.

The setting: suburban Starbucks after dinner on a Saturday night.

Attending: 2 couples of ‘a certain age’ if you will.

Topics of conversation:

1. Tattoos: mainstream or trashy. I argued for mainstream and pointed out that the perception of trashy was a generational one. (translation: you are an old hag, my friend).

2. Being Clean: and by this I am not referring to showering. The question arose whether all young men and women have chosen the route of no hair. This one crosses the age barrier. There has been a request for some research on the percentage of those who have chosen to go hairless, broken down by gender and age. Hmmm, I do know just the person to find this out. Are you biting?

3. Taking no hair one step further we discussed shaving vs. waxing vs. laser. Oh, and you will happy to know not only did the Mangroomer come up, I believe there might have been a request for one for Father’s day.

You know, just a typical suburban chat over coffee.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 9, 2009 · 9:21 pm

Ooh La La, You have the Flu La La


ooh-la-la

I was standing behind this woman in the supermarket checkout line and I could not resist a shot of her rather offbeat scrubs. For some reason Betty Boop goes to Paris is not the motif I want from my healthcare worker.

I could not help but think how ridiculous it would be to receive the news that you had the swine flu from a nurse sporting the Eiffel Tower and Betty in a beret.

What next, the Naked Cowboy scrubs?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone

 

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June 5, 2009 · 9:06 pm

I Bring You the Mangroomer

ManGroomer

Yes, my friends, this is one of those items you do not just pass by at Bed, Bath & Beyond. You must stop, pull out your camera and get a shot of this baby. Prominently displayed, I might add. Probably as a Father’s Day promo.

My favorite part of this package is, of course, the circled areas. Note that this is not even remotely anatomically correct. Perhaps this should be called the Eunuch Groomer.

Of course I had to hop over to their website for a little more info. They sport the tagline of the month: ‘Maintain Yourself’. Oh, how I wish I had written that one.

They also make the ‘essential do-it-yourself electric back shaver’. For whom? A double jointed gymnast. How the hell are you supposed to reach your back with this thing? Oh wait, I believe it has a ‘fully extendable and adjustable handle’.

And thank goodness they have a companion nose and ear hair trimmer.

But my fave remains the Private Body Shaver. If you click on no other links on this post you must click on this one for it is the FAQ section on this product. My fave? #7. Does the MANGROOMER Private Body Shaver work for tall and large men?  I don’t get that, do tall guys have surpersonic personal hair?

I would have loved to have been in the focus group for this sucker!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 3, 2009 · 4:51 pm

Pii Pii for the Wii? No way!

Yes way. Thanks to a client, this was brought to my attention (yes, my clients are as warped as I am). The Japanese, being big fans of both penises and toilets, have developed a peeing game for the Wii.

Girls strap on the belt harness and insert the Wiimote to play the game.

Here are some of my favorite product features (with commentary, of course) from the thinkgeek post about this product:

• Video Game for Nintendo Wii Provides a Virtual Peeing Experience (the perfect gift for the girl who has everything, including a bad case of penis envy)

• Amazing Realistic Pee Fluid Dynamics (you have to watch the video to fully appreciate this. BTW this girl really sucks at this game)

• Over 100 different peeing environments with multiple toilet and urinal styles (lovely feature)

Oh, and this one I love:

• Up to two players can compete with dueling pee streams (sword fights for girls, how inclusive!)

The text on the packaging boasts that this product ‘promotes good bathroom skills and allows women to experience for the first time the pleasure of urinating while standing’. Funny, I have always told my daughter that the only thing that she could not do that boys could was pee standing up.

I guess those days are over and we have finally reached true equality. Now we can pee on the damn glass ceiling if we want to.

You go girls!

(as an aside, today someone referred to me as ‘the diva of the absurd and silly’. I am happy to carry that title proudly)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

 

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June 2, 2009 · 8:59 pm

File this Under Fugly

ugly-givenchy

This is real. We are actually supposed to be excited that we can buy these hideous shoes on sale. Big sign, ‘Luxury Designer $199.95’ ‘Compare at $215.00’. They are kidding right? Huge savings of $15.05! Was this a mistake?

I put these in the same category as the article about chipped nail polish being fashionable.

The sign might not have been one but the shoe design surely was. These could be the ugliest PLASTIC shoes on earth. Givenchy, I expect more from your shoe designers. I don’t claim to be a fashionista, but I know fugly when I see it.

Maybe this is why they wound up in the discount shoe store.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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May 31, 2009 · 8:11 pm

Her Senility

Her-senility

If you have every tried to upload a link to Facebook, you have seen this window before. This is a security feature on many blogs and social media applications called ‘captcha’. You are required to type the words in the box in order to continue with a comment or link. This feature helps to eliminate spam and ensures that a real live person is creating the link or comment.

The other day I was posting a blog link and these are key words that came up. This got me to wondering if the catcha words are targeted like the ads are. Will the next one I come upon be ‘need botox’? Or perhaps ‘crazy bee-otch’?

Ahhh, maybe I am just paranoid. But honestly, I am starting to embrace what appears to be the first showing of my senility.

Anyone else have a good set of keywords to share?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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May 28, 2009 · 4:03 pm

Vaigra Soft?!!

viagra_SoftTabs

No, I did not make this one up. This is a generic version of Viagra in a soft tab form. Apparently these were designed for those who can’t get it up or swallow. (I know, cheap shot, but admit that was funny).

I received an email today with a ridiculous subject line: ‘Look for my cell around’ from a sender named Chauncey. Under the headline ‘80% Discount’ with a Canadian Pharmacy banner was a row of pills:

Viagra, Cialis, Levitra,Tamiflu (apparently the swiney is as hot as erectile dysfunction these days), Viagra Soft and Cialis Soft.

Um, BRANDING rules folks! Viagra and Cialis S-O-F-T. I think we have a little problem with messaging here. I do a ton of work in Pharma, we change things day in and day out. How the hell did this one come to pass? (again, no pun intended).

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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May 26, 2009 · 8:01 pm

Franks Alott

franks-alott-2

As always, carrying a camera was a good idea this weekend. While leaving the beach I saw this guy dressed in a Franks Alott T.

I will forgive this shirt for being from Abercrombie & Fitch because it really is just the right amount corny and the graphics are perfect. The hot dog is like a weiner version of  Mr. Peanut  and the type so reminiscent of tacky fast food that I fell for the authenticity of the shirt.

After all, how can you not love a tagline that states:

Alotta weenie for not alotta dough!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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