Category Archives: humor

July 10, 2009 · 10:19 pm

Just call me Kimmie O’Chaos

kimmie-o'chaos

I LOVE this name. If I had any musical talent this might be my stage name. It is so fitting. As was the circumstance in which I found myself behind this truck. I was on the way to the doctor for another in a series of bizarre ailments. No, my burning mouth syndrome has not flared up again, this is something new… ish.

Other people get bug bites. Me? I get the mother of all swell up and fear anaphylactic shock type bug bites. Gary can be sitting in the same spot and not get a single bite. I am like his fly strip! I have taken more than one trip to the the ER for bee stings, but this sucker was just a mosquito.

Doc walks in. Says “Wow”. (is that a diagnosis?) Writes a scrip for some industrial strength steroid cream and tells me to call if it gets worse.

Define worse.

Ok, so I have one arm that looks like I have been pumping iron and the other, not so much.

My life is always one long emergency. Even now, in the slow dog days of summer with no real crisis on the horizon, no kids home, work quiet and managable, something always seems to pop up.

I guess you can just call me Kimmie O’Chaos. (seriously, doesn’t that name kill you? I am so easily amused).

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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July 9, 2009 · 8:41 pm

A bird in hand…

a-bird-in-handOk, I am now officially convinced that I am the magnet for the absurd. I think these things happen to me on days when I am sure there is nothing inside my head worth blogging about.

I was out doing errands. Seriously, just a suburban yenta out going about her mundane business. You know, Staples, drug store, supermarket. The usual stuff. It was a perfect summer evening.

Apparently  a perfect summer evening TO TAKE YOUR BIRD OUT FOR A RIDE!

I am not making this up. This is no Photoshop ploy (not that I don’t have that skill set, of course). I pulled into the King Kullen Shopping Center parking lot and in the car next to me was this yellow-shirted woman with matching…

BIRD.

Having been a bird owner in a past life (another post for sure) this baby looks like a sun conure. (mine was a nanday conure named Picasso and it HATED Gary even though he bought it for me… do the math).

So, this woman was just parked. Every once in awhile she would scratch him behind the head (they love that). I parked, took a few pictures, food shopped, came out of the store and she was still there.

I must drive by in the morning. You can’t make this stuff up!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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July 7, 2009 · 8:35 pm

Hairy Backs and Tattoos

With the rain finally gone I have been fortunate enough to have spent a good amount of time on the beaches in the past couple of weeks. As always there are plenty of hairy backs out there. The mangroomer should be doing a booming biz.

If you will remember, I am both fascinated and aggravated by back hair. Some of these guys look like they are wearing sweaters. It must be awfully hot under there. Look at this guy, I think he is down by the ocean just to cool off. The spinal hair is particularly fascinating on this guy. Look at that dense patch down the middle. It almost looks like hairy vertebrae.

hairy-back

I have also noticed that there are way more tattoos this year. It seems everyone is sporting ink. And a lot of it is major. Saw some guy in Fire Island with full photorealistic portraits of his kids on his arm. I wonder if they will age as his skin sags.

tats-and-hair

This guy here had a wonderful combination of tats and the most bizarre body hair pattern I have ever seen. What is with that tuft of hair at the base of his spine crawling down his up way to high bathing suit. Eww!

Again, we women are out there spending all kinds of money waxing, lasering, shaving, eppilating, dipilatoring our lives away and these guys just let the hair out of the bag and don’t think twice.

Who are the schmucks here?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone

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July 1, 2009 · 5:58 pm

Lawn Ornament Afterparty

lawn-ornament-afterparty

I pass these three every morning on my walk. Today I felt compelled to share them with you.

I simply love each one of them. Here is my take on the scenario:

Froggy: good chance he just did one of the bunnies. What, not what you were expecting? C’mon, look at that smug look on his face and his satiated stance. What else could have gone on here?

Bunny in the middle: Thinking this one was a witness not a participant. Seems kind of rejected or perhaps embarrassed.

Bunny on the right: Yep, this one looks pretty chipper and flirty.

What concerns me a little bit about sharing this with you all is the fact that I am starting to spill the contents of my warped mind into the blogosphere at a staggering rate.

Oh, that and that fact that I am listed in some places as a mom blogger. Hey, nothing wrong with a little birds and bees lesson now and then. Or frogs and bunnies if you will. And the  co-mingling of species is a nice piece on tolerance. All in all I think this is a lovely little parenting post.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 28, 2009 · 8:31 pm

Harry Potter Landscaping

harry-potter-lawn

I have passed this house before and it never registered what those slates were up against the wall. If you look closely they are Harry Potter characters.

There is virtually no landscaping on this side of the house that faces the main road in a beach town, other than the lone red impatien planted by the brick wall.

Stopped at a red light it registered what this was and this image is the result of a split second decision to take the shot before we moved. For once, I was not driving.

I wonder what drove the homeowner to paint these slates and keep them as the sole adornment on their property.

Odd at best.

I find myself singing the Mysterious Ticking Noice video song in my head when I see this. Go ahead, what the video, there is nothing that is both more annoying or more addictive.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 26, 2009 · 8:42 pm

Pick Your Nose

pick-your-nose_2

Once again, I am jealous of a product name and sorry I did not come up with it. Both the item and the category are brilliant. A little further online digging and I came up with these, which are just as clever.

Pick Your Nose Cups are hysterical. What kid would not love to drink out of one of these. And Party Animals is the perfect name for the series.

Do you think the idea for these came one drunken night when someone was drawing on all the cups at a party? For those who do not know, I went to art school. Stuff like that happened all the time. We even went through a Christo phase when we wrapped peoples’ cars while they were sleeping. I think we wrapped the trees and the front door too. I need to find those pictures.

Now you can understand why I am so envious when I see a product like this. Surely I should have come up with this idea. Although I don’t know how lucrative they were because if you will note the price tag, I found this at Home Goods and they were only $4.99. I need to be careful at these places, I was snapping away all sorts of funny pictures and I think the staff was starting to get weird about it.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 25, 2009 · 4:54 pm

Um, did you steal that dress?

grad-dress2

Tomorrow is graduation in my town. If you read Time to Cry Tuesday this week you saw the emotional side of Jana’s graduation 2 years ago. This post is to make you all laugh, and get a full picture of the runaway train I call my life. I thought it was time for a little levity since all my girls are a bit weepy this week – myself included. Nostalgia is contagious. It is kind of like a contact breakdown.

The picture above is the bottom of Jana’s graduation dress. Why we had to buy one is beyond me because they wear gowns, but a day or two before graduation we were frantically pulling sundresses and espadrilles off  shelves in an attempt to have the perfect outfit.

Jana walked into the cafeteria to wait with all the graduates. She was sitting at a table with her friends when someone asked, “Hey Jan, did you steal that dress?” She looked at them like they were crazy and said, “Yeh, I steal all my clothes, why?”. The answer was an honest one, “Well, I was just asking because you still have the security tag on the bottom of that dress.”

Typical!

For some reason that spring everywhere I shopped they left the security tags on. No really. I swear I am not a kleptomaniac. A maniac, yes, but not a klepto.

The best part of this story is that we cleaned her closet this week and found the dress, security tag still fastened. I put it in the bag for the Good Will bins and drop it off this week. I hope they don’t track me down from my used clothes and try to arrest me.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 23, 2009 · 8:54 pm

Would you buy a used vacuum?

Jana is moving into a new apartment in August and we are busy shopping for all the domestic items we can think of. We have become involved in a bargain hunting game with her roommates and their moms. Today I found a really inexpensive vacuum at Target and was so excited about it. I know, scary that a vacuum excites me. Actually that kind of sucks. (sorry)

We were talking about it at dinner and Gary suggested that we could get a much better quality vacuum, used on Craigs List. By the looks of the Madison page for vacuums, he is not wrong.

But seriously! A used vacuum?! Doesn’t that have kind of an EW factor to it? Danny thought by buying a used one we ran the risk of purchasing a vacuum that had been used to pick up poop. Hmmmm, can you pick up poop with a vacuum? Maybe tiny poop, like mouse droppings or maybe even some kitty litter encrusted cat feces. I was thinking that in a college town vomit would be more likely. You know, the kind that hardens a bit overnight on the rug and then you sprinkle some baking soda on it and then try to vacuum it up. What? Does it sound like I have experience with this? Maybe.

We were 3 to 1 in our family, opposed to the idea of the used vacuum due to the possible ickification of it. We decided to ask friends who stopped by our table on their way out ofthe restaurant. They were split. Surprisingly he said no to used while she is a big fan of Craigs List and was in favor.

We decided the only way to settle this was to bring it to the blog for a poll. So, even if you are a lurker, please cast your vote as this is of dire importance to national security. Or maybe we are just curious.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 20, 2009 · 10:43 pm

Back in the Attic

Me: Gary, can you go into the attic and get Jana’s husband?

Gary: WHAT?!!

Me: That backrest pillow, they call it a husband. (no I do not have some guy up there waiting for the day when my daughter is ready to marry. We do not save anything with a heartbeat. At least not intentionally).

Gary: Oooh, the attic? (eyes glistening) Sure thing!

For those who read the last attic post you will remember we have a tendency to save EVERYTHING and that attic is a scary place. Gary now jumps at the chance to go up there and throw stuff down to get rid of. At least today I was not called a crazy old hag.

This week he found the box to the activity rocker. Yeh, it was from my kids. And here they are holding the box. What, 15 years is too long to save that? Do they even make these things anymore or have they deemed them unsafe and likely to cause brain damage like everything else my kids played with?

activity-rocker

I would also like to mention that he found an Apple llci up there. Yes, this baby was my first color mac. This sucker came with a whopping  80MB hard drive (note I said MB not GB) When did that come out, you ask? September 1989, 5 months after Jana was born!

Hey, at least I did not have her ‘husband’ up there for that long!

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On another note, would you be so kind as to vote for my blog buddy blondemomblog as the best local blog/nashville because she is really cool and I would love to see her win. Click here and vote.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 18, 2009 · 9:23 pm

My Golden Retriever is Smarter Than Your Honor Student

golden-retriever

This bumper sticker was on the car in front of me at the drive-through cash machine today. Nothing like a little sarcastic humor to lighten up another in a series of soggy days.

Danny did not find this as funny as I did. Actually, I think he thought the guy was an asshole, which he probably is. But it tickled my funny bone nonetheless.

We live in a community that is no stranger to offspring bragging. The honor student bumper stickers are the evolution of the baby on board signs. Those used to really drive me nuts. Ok, so you have a baby in your car! Does that mean if you didn’t it would be alright to rear-end you? 

I used to joke that I had the only two average kids in this district. The rest were either accelerated or remediated.

A note to those of you who feel compelled to put bumper stickers on your car announcing your kids’ brilliance. Other than their grandparents, I am pretty sure no one else cares.

To the guy with the golden retriever, your bumper sticker is hysterical, my lab is probably smarter than your dog and truthfully, having that on your car will make most people think you are an asshole. Funny, but an asshole.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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