Category Archives: humor

September 24, 2009 · 10:35 pm

Menopause, Mercury in Retrograde and other Mania

Mercury1I can’t sleep. All forms of technology are going wacky. Appliances are on the blink. I feel like I am in groundhogs day. I am hot. I am cold. I am bloated. I am starving. I can’t complete a task, let alone multi-task. The sun is in my eyes. There is a bump in the bowling alley. The dog ate my homework.

I am in a funk (and I am NEVER in a funk!)

Ok, you get the point. Things are just a little amiss these days. I could have written it off to turning 50, menopause (because everything gets blamed on that) or simply cyclical mania which I suppose I can be accused of being prone to. Hell, I could even blame it all on being the Magnet For The Absurd.

But thankfully both Yogamom (2nd shout out to you, babe) and my sister-in-law have pointed out that Mercury is in Retrograde from September 7th till October 18th and that crazy devil, that cosmic trickster, can cause all types of problems. And what, you ask, does this actually mean? Read this from astrology.com:

A planet is described as retrograde when it appears to be moving backwards through the zodiac. According to modern science, this traditional concept arises in the illusory planetary motion created by the orbital rotation of the earth with relation to other planets in our solar system. Planets are never actually retrograde or stationary, they just seem that way due to this cosmic shadow-play. Click here for more on the science of retrograde planetary motion.

Huh?

Whatevs. My takeaway on this is simply things will be back to normal on October 18th.

Define normal!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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September 23, 2009 · 5:37 pm

Long Guyland, New Yawk

Picture - Map of Long Island - Nov 1, 2008_0

For those who do not live in these parts, that is the way people tawk heah.

Well, not all of us, but I suppose many. If you are a New Yorker you can tell the subtle difference between the Brooklyn dialect and that of  say, Joisey. If not, we all sound the same to you. It is even more apparent when you were raised here and then move away. My brother gets a big kick out of hearing the old NY-speak.

I bring this up today because I have encountered a particularly classic brand of the Long Guyland accent this week. As I posted earlier, I am a Jury Duty phone alternate this week. Every night, after 5, I have to call in to see if I am required to show up the next day. Yes, this is very convenient… NOT!

Anyway, when I called in the second night and every night since, the man on the recording had the most classic form of the Long Island accent. The first time I actually laughed out loud and then proceeded to leave his accent as my Facebook status. It had such a warm reception there I thought I would bring it over to the blog and share it with all of you. Here is what he said:

“This is the Nassaw County Jurah notification system. You must locate yaw jurah numbah located on paht A of yaw jurah caud. Yaw numbah stahts with the lettah aw.”

Let me translate that for you:

“This is the Nassau County Juror notification system. You must locate your juror number located on part A of your juror card. Your number starts with the letter R.”

Hey, there’s no place like home.

This reminds me of an ad campaign I did in a High School art class…

Long Island, more than just an accent!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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September 20, 2009 · 8:01 pm

Phone in Jury Duty

Jury-duty

Whose idea was this one? Do they have this everywhere or is this county specific?

I am not sure if this is a great idea or a really lousy one. I will let you know at the end of the FIVE FRIGGIN’ DAYS that the county of Nassau has decided they are entitled to hold my schedule hostage.

Really guys, no problem for me to call you every damn night (after 5:00) to find out if my next day is my own. Of course I have nothing better to do than keep rescheduling anything that needs to be addressed the following day. Or better yet, write the whole week off to that frivolous style of spontaneity that has always been so successful in running both a business and a family/home.

I suppose this is better than the show up and sit in that big room kind of thing I had to do last time. But what happened to the sole proprietor of a business exemption I used to enjoy years ago. Give me a break, I can’t just stop working because you guys need jurors. Perhaps I could show up with my underwear on the outside of my clothing and act like nothing is wrong. That might discourage anyone from wanting me on a jury.

Then again, that might be just the thing to get me picked.

Or perhaps when I tell them I come from a family of lawyers they might not find me all that desirable.

Oh, and BTW, not that I encourage racial or religious profiling, but my married last name is Levinson. And this would be the week between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. The days of awe (and brisket) are not always the best time for a Jew to take off yet another day from work.

My husband received the dreaded Juror Questionnaire this week. He asked me if I thought it was a bad idea to just answer all the questions with ‘F-off’. Um, yeh, probably would certainly get him a seat on jury, don’t you think?

So, if you are looking for me this week and I don’t get right back to you it is because perhaps my number was up.

You guys know me by now. Do you really think it would be in the best interest of any attorney to pick this big-mouthed, opinionated, menopausal bee-otch to help determine the fate of another person? (that question was rhetorical).

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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September 16, 2009 · 8:48 pm

Subliminal Signage

marvel

Here is the first of two great signs that do a little ‘borrowing’ into the brand loyalty of others. This one is a true landmark in an area near where I grew up. If you were not thinking, you might call the place Marvel – like the comics. But that big soft ice cream cone makes you realize that around these parts the name rhymes with Carvel. (I wonder if they sell a pudgy the whale cake).

blinkos

This next one just kills me. They even have the FedEx affiliation. “Hey hon, be right back, I am going down to the Blinko’s to make some copies.”

Got to give them both credit for some clever naming. I am sure that there are some brand police out there who would get a kick out of this.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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September 13, 2009 · 8:49 pm

Hijack this blog

born-to-blog

There is nothing like good friends. Even ones who threaten to hijack your blog. Who better to take over and pseudo guest post than the infamous First Thursdays?

These divas throw a hell of a birthday celebration. Check out the framed picture above that they had done for me. (Fyi, I blog under my maiden name, but I First Thursday under the married one).

I think I look pretty good on Springsteen’s body. Just to give you an idea of how diverse we are, I photoshopped the last person onto Giselle’s body. Hey, whatever blows your hair back, right?

In honor of the last day in my 40s I give you some suggestions that were made for blog reworking, along with some other comical writings that were part of my birthday roast – First Thursday style:

Blog Days:

Time to get out of the basement Monday

Time to cry Tuesday (and oldie but goodie)

Time to leave the zip code Wednesday

Time for a little laugh Thursday

Time to vent Friday (this could be a great one)

Time to workout Saturday

and a favorite for all the husbands out there, mine for sure:

Time for “a little head would be nice” Sunday.

And since all you readers know me pretty well by now, I will share their “top ten things Amy will never do now that she is 50 list”

1. Go to spin class (safe bet)

2. Play tennis with Jo (safer bet, she would kill me)

3. Have lunch at the club (I should be so lucky to get out of that one – the minimum haunts me)

4. Go to Bergdorf’s with Maddee and Michelle (ok, I admit it, I did say I thought Berdgorf’s closed. I had a moment of confusion with Bonwits, so shoot me)

5. Go to South Beach with the First Thursday Girls (sorry girls, montauk maybe, south beach, not so much)

6. Discuss again… to be rich or thin? (don’t ask)

7. (this one I will omit to protect the innocent(ish) Hey, we all still have to live in this town!)

8. Not blog or tweet for the day. (Why would I consider this? Jeez!)

9. Get out of the basement (this one I am starting to do, I swear)

10 BOTOX! (this one is a given)

Thank you, my friends, for a great night from the women who will always keep me on my toes and will NEVER let me fall. I love you all!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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September 12, 2009 · 11:11 pm

Not Your Mother’s Ken Doll

ken-dude

I saw this surfer dude ken doll in a window in Madison. He is frighteningly lifelike even with those funky joints. I don’t remember my Ken dolls having facial hair and a pony tail.

So, do you think that he is anatomically correct? And what is up with the fish? Is this an amphibian dude or is that a dead fish?

And why are they in the window of an eyeglass store?

Just asking?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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September 11, 2009 · 6:40 pm

May the bird of happiness…

hat-with-bird-crap

… crap on your hat?!

Yeh, that would be seagull slime on my favorite WFUV.org  baseball cap. As my mom would say, “It’s good luck!”

What is that? When a bird craps on you, people tell you it is good luck as if that is some sort of consolation for being crapped on? (sorry Mom)

The day before our wedding Gary was walking up Madison Avenue and a bird crapped on his designer suit. My mother told him it was good luck.

He may beg to differ 24 years later. Just saying.

I suppose I should consider myself lucky in this instance because about 2 minutes earlier that hat was in my beach bag. Could have been a lot worse.

Me: Hey, something just fell on my head, like an acorn or something.

Riki: Um, no a bird just crapped on your head. Hey it’s good luck!

Yeesh!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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September 10, 2009 · 11:34 pm

Got Mooovers?

marrins-moooving

First, yes that is the front of my car in the bottom of the screen and yes I shot this while I was driving. With all the talk of texting and driving hazards I am embarrassed to admit that but you know this being a blog of full disclosure and all…

Please don’t judge me. Thanks.

So there I was driving down the LIE the other morning after a meeting and this moving truck pulled up next to me. Or shall I say this M-O-O-VING truck. I was first struck by the cow motif as I have an affinity for all things bovine. Jana’s nursery had a cow border and ever since I have loved them. Then I noticed the name and scrambled through my bag for that damn camera. I first took a shot of the back but then came up alongslide and caught the phone number and had to get this angle. 1-877-270-COWS?

Brilliant.

This is surely not as cool, but does rival Mambo Movers. (They have a logo with a rhino being stuffed in a truck).

So, Marrin’s Movers, here is my little plug for your biz. I have no idea how good you are at moving crap, but your truck gave me a smile.  And a little strategic advice, carry your cow motif over to your website, it could use a little refresh.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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September 8, 2009 · 7:47 pm

Melanie Oudin, you can thank me

APTOPIX US Open Tennis

(AP Photo/Paul J. Bereswill)

For those who missed my post about women’s tennis last week please read it here before you continue.

Yeh, I pretty much single-handedly called out Melanie Oudin and challenged her to rise to the occasion and kick some foreign butt. Of course I had no idea who she was last week – not unlike the rest of the country – tennis loving or otherwise. But, hey, I think it was a little more than a coincidence that I wrote this and then she came out of nowhere. (yes, I am delusional. please don’t hold that against me, it is part of my charm)

If you did not read or click above, here is the scoop. I – the last person you would expect – wrote a post last Wednesday asking why there were no American women (besides Williams squared) in the US Open this year. On Friday night my friend Yogamom came up to me at the bar and said, “Hey, I read your post on tennis the other day. Did you hear about the 17-year- old American who shook up the Open?” My response was something to the extent of, “Seriously, do you really think I follow tennis?” Sorry Yogamom, I just could not resist that answer.

Low and behold, a few days later and this kid is all over the news to the point where even I can’t miss her. AND, now I actually want to watch her play!

As EXTRA put it tonight, “She has taken down more Russian women this week than James Bond“. (oh how I love that line and wish I had written it myself)

Good luck, Melanie! (oh, and you’re welcome) I’ll be watching. (I think)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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September 1, 2009 · 9:19 pm

Recombobulation

recombobulation-area

Have any of you seen this yet?

After walking through airport security; juggling my laptop, shoes, belt, carry-on, ipod, keys and a partridge in a pear tree, I came across this sign. I promptly dropped all that crap and grabbed my camera.

Admit it, who doesn’t feel discombobulated at that moment. BTW, recombobulation comes up as a misspelled word in my blog software, I think they made this word up! Seems the only place I can find it is in my old favorite spot, Urban Dictionary.

So, picture the committee that had to name this area. The meeting probably went something like this:

“How do you feel when you walk through security?”

“Well, discombobulated, of course!”

“Exactly, so we will call this the Recombobulation Area and everyone will relate and we will appear to be sensitive to our target market and everyone will forgive us for making them walk barefoot and half naked through the airport.”

I am thinking that this might catch on. Maybe in the corporate setting. Every office should have a Recombobulation Area. You get chewed out by your boss, you lose a big account, just having a bad day. Simply step into the “RA” and get your self good and combobulated.

Wait, does recombobulation infer that you were once combobulated in the first place, became ‘dis’ and then needed to ‘re’.

Yeh, you’re right, I need to get some sleep.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visitLeaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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