Category Archives: homeowner

August 15, 2011 · 10:14 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – Ants, Leaks and Static on the Phones

It would seem that I have been having a smackdown with my house of late. And I am losing horribly.

For the past few weeks, along with the help of my exterminator, I have been battling a never-ending war with ants. They are determined to taunt me. Everywhere. In the bottom of the (ancient) dishwasher. In the corners of the bathroom. All over the buffet area in the dining room (thankfully after I served brunch). The last one was of horror movie proportions.

Sunday morning I, like many of my fellow Northeasterners, awoke to a deluge that could not under any circumstances end well. There was the usual water in the sump pump – almost overflowing before we were able to drain it out. Then the requisite spots in the basement that no french drain could hold. But the living room couch?! As my daughter said, “This is a two story house, how could the ceiling on the first floor be leaking?” (some weird gutter physics I do not care to go into).

And then there were the phones. Yes folks, my two lines are crossing and the static is unbearable. The online check from Verizon told me it is not on their lines (yeh, right) and lucky me… they are on strike! They would be happy to schedule me for service…

on September 16th!

But none of this really matters all that much. For Sunday morning, as I jumped between killing ants and chasing leaks, I was preparing to have my whole family at my table for brunch. Brother, sister-in-law, nephews, (and a girlfriend), cousin dog, husband, daughter, son, mother and father.

Honestly, who really cares about a house that taunts you when you can have a day like that?

A friend read me a line from a book the other day and told me she was sure I could have written it. I loved it so much I started to read the book. (Three Stages of Amazement, by Carol Edgarian – if you are interested) This was the line, “It was life, this crazy life, and if you didn’t laugh it broke you. It broke you anyway, but it was better if you laughed. 

Sort of sounds like the original premise of this blog, doesn’t it?

BTW, if you need to reach, me try my cell. And if you are wondering what to buy me for my birthday, a nice big can of Raid and a wetvac would be lovely.

 

 

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February 19, 2011 · 4:01 pm

The $300 Thaw

A few weeks back this household was struck with a series of annoying bad luck. Nothing all that serious, just a chain of really annoying events (ok and a few that were sort of serious but I won’t share, and thank goodness those have been resolved).

First, Gary got rear-ended on the LIE… in my car, of course. The insurance company was wonderful, we got a rental car and decided to spring for the $16/day upgrade to an SUV since it was in the midst of Snowmageddon ’11. All is well and good, it snows on top of snow and we get in the groove of shoveling every week; bitching and moaning like the rest of the world. Until…

We have completed the big dig out and Gary asks me for the keys to the rental car so he can move it into the street to brush off the snow.

I look everywhere… pockets, bags, bathrooms, nooks and crannies.

No key.

It becomes quite obvious that we have no choice but to call the rental company and get the second set.

News Flash: rental cars companies do NOT keep a second set. They call a locksmith for you. But of course on this day after a blizzard I am informed that the locksmith is snowed in. “With all due respect”, I told the woman at the rental place, “I am a 50-something Jewish woman on the North Shore of Long Island and I was able to dig out, what kind of wussy is this locksmith that he is… ahem… ‘snowed in’.”

He showed up at 4.

And $300 later we had a new key.

Fast forward to today. After a few days of record high temps the snow is melting almost as fast as it came down. And while I was out on the lawn (affectionately named ‘doody lane’ for the path we shoveled for the dog) picking up said doody, I spotted a glint out to the corner of my eye.

Yes folks, the original rental car key. As I suspected, it must have fallen out my pocket, was snowed upon and shoveled onto the mountain on the side of the driveway. Yes, other people have told me I have a Lucy and Ethel sort of life.

I thought about giving it back but decided that a shadow box frame was worth a $300 laugh in the whole of life.

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December 12, 2010 · 10:16 pm

Merry Overkill

I never quite understand what drives a homeowner to go these extremes to decorate for the holidays. Personally, I subscribe to the school of less is more. I cannot even imagine their electric bill at the end of the month!

It is hard to get the true feeling of this home as it sat on a very small piece of property. To the right, cropped out of this shot, was a carport with a host of inflatables atop its roof. Snowglobes and reindeer and all sorts of Santa apparitions.

I am not a fan of the inflatables. Seems lately those who like them put them up for every holiday. Their basements must look like the Macy’s parade warehouse. I particularly hate the ones that take a religious scene and try to render them in blow up materials. There is a manger scene in my neighborhood that looks like Alvin and the Chipmunks and I have a sneaking suspicion that was not intentional.

We stumbled upon the house above by accident last night and all we could think of was what was going to happen to all those decorations in the high winds and heavy rain that was coming today.

If it was not so far away I would have done a drive by for another shot. I suppose that would be a little too mean spirited, but think about how funny that decoration battlefield might have looked.


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July 20, 2010 · 10:26 pm

Ants Marching

Scene: my kitchen counter.

On the phone: the ever-famous Dr. Jimmy

Me: Oh man, my kitchen is literally ant infested. There must be hundreds of ants crawling all over my kitchen counter.

Dr. Jimmy: Ants marching? It goes with the whole Dave Matthews thing for you this week, you should like that.

Gotta love Dr. J, he can always put a happy little spin on a bad situation.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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May 21, 2010 · 7:42 pm

Egyptian Cotton Blanket is the New Mattress Cover


If you have been falling the saga of Jana’s new bed you would know that there is most probably a wanted poster hung in every linen department within 30 miles of my home. After 3 shots at a mattress cover and a nice sunny day for air drying I am happy to report the last one is on the bed and quite comfy.

Enter the navy blue egyptian cotton woven blanket. I love these. I put them on all the beds, layering them with quilts to give temperature options to my poor kids who have to live with their menopausal mom and kinda hairy dad who like to keep this house somewhere between meat freezer and wind tunnel temp.

So, I finally get the damn mattress cover on the bed, put on the yummy soft butter yellow million thread count sheets that I got a great deal on at Home Goods (they thanked me for not returning these) and floated down the navy blue woven blanket on top of them, straight out of the bag when I noticed that it smelled like – as Jana would say – ass! Seriously, it had the worst odor. AND it left all these little navy blue pills all over the pretty pale yellow sheet!

So of course I read the label and tossed that baby in the wash (on delicate with like colors) then into the dryer (on low heat). Yeh, well, the thing came out of the dryer with a million pulls in it AND there was a full puppy’s worth of navy blue lint overflowing from the trap (luckily no fire in the machine).

Yep, back to Bed Bath and Beyond with this sucker. I did contemplate wearing a nose and glasses to disguise myself at the customer service desk. But oddly there was never a question on any of these returns, even without a receipt. They just swiped my card and told me to have a lovely day.

I can’t be the only one having these problems. Can I?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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May 19, 2010 · 7:41 pm

The Mattress Cover Debacle

Why is it that I tend to find myself in situations that make me feel like I am living in a bad sitcom?

For those who do not know, my lovely daughter will be arriving home this Saturday after a semester abroad. She will be spending the first summer in 11 years at home – a story for another time. Since she has been gone for the better part of the past three years we never replaced the bed in her room. The very same twin bed that she has had since she got out of the junior bed when she was 5; that would be 16 years ago. It’s time, we certainly got our money’s worth.

We promised her, as she put it, a big girl’s bed before she came home. In true Amy fashion it was purchased and delivered within the last week before she arrives.

Of course I needed to get a nice fluffy cotton mattress cover and OF COURSE no self-respecting mom would put it on the bed without washing it. I mean everyone knows that the people in those factories have sex on those things before packing them (or worse) and it must be washed (with Downy) before ‘any daughter of mine will sleep on it’. Please refer back to this post about ironing her graduation gown that did not work out all that well either.

Mattress pad #1: Purchased for a song at Home Goods. Brought it home, washed it, dried it and the damn thing melted! Seems there is some skeeve guard lining under the gazillion thread count cotton that is not all that fond of dryer heat. Home Goods took it back, no problem. So much for a bargain (even if it was Ralph Lauren and the tag said tumble dry low)

Mattress pad #2: Purchased from Bed, Bath and Beyond. Brought it home, washed it, dried it and… yep, same deal. Even on low. Yes I am an idiot. At this point my dear friend Karen who had told me to air dry it confirmed my idiocy. And my new friend @squashedmom told me on twitter that i need to use the no heat setting (who knew, obviously NOT ME)

Mattress pad #3: BBB kindly let me exchange #2 saying they were surprised it melted and apologized. Seriously is this not happening to anyone else?! Ok, #3 in as many days is washed and air drying when I notice the NO HEAT setting on the dryer. Not gonna lie, popped it in there for 10. No melting but there were signs of a revolt going on around the edges so I stopped.

Yes, my domesticity is going down the toilet. And yes, I never learn.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 23, 2010 · 12:18 am

Time to Cry Tuesday – Spring

There is something about that first weekend of warm weather that can all but break your heart. One minute you are shoveling obscene amounts of snow and a few short weeks later you are trimming back the perennial garden and marveling at the crocus blooming all over the neighborhood.

Ok, a little corny. But honestly, I never tire of those first warm days when nothing can seem all that bad if you can be outside and feeling the sunshine. One day walking around the city, drinking beer at an outdoor cafe and people watching, and another in the ‘burbs doing what we ‘burbanites do was the perfect cure for anything that ails.

I suppose my elation with spring is because I come from a family of garden junkies. My earliest memories of my grandfather were of him tending to his garden, which in my youth was beyond magnificent. My mom’s love of the garden was passed down to both my brother and I. And although in the past few years her bones have fallen victim to a couple of, what shall we call them, garden mishaps, she still plugs away out there and her garden shines for all the attention she showers upon it.

Even though this weekend was a fleeting tease of spring finding ourselves thrown back into a stint of miserable rain, it was just enough of a taste to keep us hopeful that the warmer weather will be here to stay before we know it.

Spring. It almost makes you feel like anything is possible.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 14, 2010 · 12:02 am

Problem/Solution

Problem: Husband pining for a flat screen for the bedroom.

Solution: Best Buy cards for his birthday present.

Problem: They don’t have the one he wants.

Solution: Buy it at PC Richards. (retaining the Best Buy cards for more toys – good present becomes excellent present).

Problem: He (of course by nature of having a penis) wants a bigger one than can fit in the allotted space.

Solution: Move the armoire over 6 inches.

Seriously?! You want to move that thing. That thing with all that crap in it that will have to be folded and sorted through since we have to empty it to move it?

OK, nothing better to do on a rainy day.

Problem: Two old farts who don’t want to throw out their backs.

Solution: 3 17-year-old Baco boys in the house.

Thanks boys!

Have a problem… bring it on!

Of course we now need an installer to hang the tv, a carpet cleaner to get the marks from the armoire out of the rug, the room could use a painting and come to think of it we could use new window treaments. Or I could just go out for martinis and dim the lights.

Hey, if you give a house a cookie...

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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February 16, 2010 · 9:44 pm

Taking the Gold in Snow Shoveling

4:30 AM Wake up to snow… again (damn)

5:30 AM Still snowing, thinking about shoveling. (damn, again)

7:30 AM Drag our asses out of bed and think, “We are so over snow!” (except for Mel, she loves the stuff)

Until…

I walked outside and saw how breathtakingly beautiful everything was. And even more beautiful was the sight of Gary in that red jacket halfway through the job!

I love this shot. If not for the signage and his jacket the whole world was black and white. We had just finished our annex shoveling job – our 88-year-old neighbor who I swear is going to propose to Gary if he shovels there one more time. That Danny, he went and had all 4 wisdoms pulled just so he would not have to shovel again!

There has been talk of a snow-blower, but then how would we go for the gold?

Is it almost spring yet?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 30, 2010 · 5:58 pm

Confession: I am a Costco Neophyte

Not kidding. I have lived in the suburbs for the past 20 years and have only been to Costco one time. Until today. Gary usually does the Costco run. He loves keeping inventory, as my friend Todd would call it. And the CD section is his little treat at the end of the spree.

Today, I needed paper towels, Swiffer supplies and light bulbs. So I figured I would go with him to avoid spending $300 in the quest to buy those few items.

We drove up and someone had a couch on a dolly, wheeling it out to their car. They sell furniture at Costco?! Honestly, can I actually be the last person on earth who does not know this? Or who does not shop at one of the big box stores for that matter. I really need to get out of the basement more.

Not gonna lie, I did get a kick out of the place. And Karen, you were right, the little snack stations are simply divine. But for the life of me I cannot understand why anyone would think it was good merchandising to sell area rugs directly next to fresh fish. That just seems wrong. “Honey, I love this new rug you bought for the living room but it smells oddly like crab legs.”

My favorite purchases? 18 pack of sponges! Love that. And the big thing of cinnamon for 4 bucks (I make my coffee with cinnamon every morning. Hey, it adds up).

So, in my quest to avoid having Gary spend $300 by himself, we spent…

$325 instead!

Agreed, impossible to get out of there for less. But hey, we needed it all, right?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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