Category Archives: conversations

August 25, 2009 · 9:58 pm

@shitmydadsays… an Overnight Celeb

Just when twitter was becoming mainstream and frankly a little bit boring, someone came along and broke the clutter.

No one can ever predict what makes something catch on, and surely this one is no exception. Here is the twitter page for @shitmydadsays

@shitmydadsays

Claiming to be a 28-year-old living with his 73-year-old dad who is ‘awesome’ he has decided to ‘just write shit he says’. I would love to believe this is for real, but even if it is not, it is so damn funny I could not help but share.

Which seems to be the sentiment all over the web. I learned about this from my friend Liz, on Facebook. When I started following him yesterday morning he had somewhere in the neighborhood of 23,000 followers. Quite impressive.

Unless of course you consider that fact that this evening he is up to 88,839 followers and going strong. I love the idea that there are 88,838 other people out there who share my sick sense of humor and find this funny.

So far our friend has only sent out a single tweet a day, counter to the running conversations that are commonplace on twitter. AND he only started this account on August 3rd!

Here are my favorites so far:

“The dog is not bored, it’s a fucking dog. It’s not like he’s waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He’s a god damned dog.”

“Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn’t stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down.”

“Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices… Jesus, Joni (my mom) it’s a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn’t even real dammit!”

and this loving parental entry:

“It’s watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don’t even pay rent, just do it. Shit.”

I am not sure what made this guy tip,  or why I and so many others find him so funny. But we do.

Can’t wait to see what kind of deal he cuts from this.

Not unlike Stuff White People Like who landed a book deal in record time and now an internet TV show, sometimes the most ridiculous things hit a chord and catch on.

As The Magnet For The Asburd, I gotta love that!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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August 13, 2009 · 9:37 pm

Nesting Like a Crazy Old Hag

nesting

Odd phenomenon, this nesting thing. Three days and counting till my kids come home. Where the hell did the summer go? There sits that list of ‘Things to do while the kids are away’ on my desk and there are certainly not enough check marks next to tasks.

Solution: mommy hyperdrive. Only this year it is more reactive than proactive. For instance we finally replaced the front lamp post because it snapped at the base and fell over in the wind. Hence the electrician was called to re-attach the fixture and while he is here he can fix the stuff that we have ignored for at least five years awhile.

Dinner conversation:

Me: The electrician is coming tomorrow.

Gary: Good, did you buy the timer for the basement.

Me: Oh, yeh, that. Um the hardware store didn’t have one. But I did pick up your hair gel.

Gary: Great (thinking that the electrician probably has no use for his gel, not to mention he could very well be bald).

Me: Oh, he needs to go in the attic to see why all the high hats and fan in the bathroom don’t work.

In Unison: NOT THE ATTIC (picture a horror movie scream here)

Gary: I just had tea (earl gray with honey, of course), I am not going up there in the hot attic.

Me: Fine, I’ll go!

So he went up to the attic (he is not  a fool) and started handing down things I had no intention of parting with tonight. For example: the shopping bag of Danny’s kindergarten Thanksgiving decorations, Jana’s cow lamp from her nursery, bags of old pictures. (yes I am an attic pack rat) STOP! The idea here is to clear a path to the part of the attic above the bathroom, not to actually clean it! Let’s just move the crap around like we always do.

Hey, at least he did not call me a crazy old hag like the last time he went up there.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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August 9, 2009 · 8:59 pm

Loss of Domesticity

moldy-bagelWhenever the kids leave for the summer I have a tendency to lose my housekeeping gene. And it gets worse every year. I have been running a home for over 2 decades, but for some reason, without the kids here the conversations go like this:

Gary: We are out of milk.

Me: Oh, yeh, I forgot to buy it.

Gary: Are we out of dishwashing liquid?

Me: Oh, yeh, I forgot to buy it.

Gary: Is there orange juice?

Me: Oh, yeh, I forgot to buy it.

Note to self: show Gary where the supermarket is.

Tonight I decided it was time to start paying attention to the house again and stop focusing on if it is healthy or not to drink during the week. (the answer to that is both yes and no). To embarrass myself into getting back into the domestic mode I will tell you what science projects I found in my fridge and bread box:

1 green fuzzy bagel, 1 green and white fuzzy loaf of unrecognizable bread, a liquid cucumber (Riki found that while making a salad, only a true friend would not judge, thanks Rik), cottage cheese dated July 12th (has that passed yet?), some sort of yogurt dip from the gourmet store where the lid of the plastic container was popping up (what is that about?!), a tupperware of chicken gumbo that I made 2 weeks ago (nasty), apples that I have a sneaking suspicion I bought at the end of June, freezer burned tortollini and many bags of french fries crusted with ice.

Ok, I am sufficiently embarrassed. And pretty sure none of you will accept a dinner invite any time soon. Seriously, I am a good cook and I promise to mend my ways and gain back the domestic skills that have kept this home a well oiled machine all these years.

At least between September and June.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 30, 2009 · 10:03 pm

To the young women on the cell phone on the train…

Travelling backpacker

Did you think you were alone in that car? Were you under the impression that all of us sitting near you were deaf? More than once I have been on a train where people have aired their dirty laundry as if they were the only ones around. I have heard about family feuds, business deals gone bad, the intimate details of teen children’s social lives and marriages on the brink. But never have I heard a conversation quite like this one.

By the end of the 35 minute trip to the city I knew more about your life than I do about most of my dear friends. Because of the sheer stupidity of airing your dirty laundry on a commuter train, I will honor that by sharing some sound bytes with my readers. Hold on to your hats, kids, this chick is out there. Quotes are from her, italics are my commentary.

“So he said to me, “Tell your dad if all he cares about is his money, he can suck my dick.”

Hmmm, good start, right?

“I mean he broke my heart and stole my money. I told him he is going to have to work really hard to win me back.”

Ummm, why do you WANT him back?

“He wants to know why we can’t just be together. It’s so sad cuz we used to have so much fun till he stole my (dad’s) credit cards.”

Wait, he stole your credit cards and you are thinking you can work things out?

“He complained that my family is just all about the money and I told him that is what Long Island is like. He’s from Brooklyn and just does not get it.”

Sweetie, I think he gets it fine. He seems pretty much about the money if he stole yours. And, correct me if I am wrong but I think there are plenty of parts of Brooklyn that are about the money. Have you ever been to the Heights?

“He gets all defensive as if I did something wrong whenever I want to talk about him paying us back. It is so weird.”

Weird? Sounds kind of psychopathic to me.

And this is my fave of all:

“I told him he needs to learn that going to school is better than stealing and dealing drugs.”

Ya think? What the hell!

I was told today that people sense my being and then they perform for me so I can blog about it. Could that actually be true? Could I be a cosmic magnet for the absurd?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 13, 2009 · 10:11 pm

To the Man at Starbucks Last Night

starbucksI am not quite sure if you were sticking around to hear our conversation because it was like staring at the accident, or if you were just paralyzed and were not sure when would be an opportune moment to get up and leave. Either way, I hope we entertained you.

The setting: suburban Starbucks after dinner on a Saturday night.

Attending: 2 couples of ‘a certain age’ if you will.

Topics of conversation:

1. Tattoos: mainstream or trashy. I argued for mainstream and pointed out that the perception of trashy was a generational one. (translation: you are an old hag, my friend).

2. Being Clean: and by this I am not referring to showering. The question arose whether all young men and women have chosen the route of no hair. This one crosses the age barrier. There has been a request for some research on the percentage of those who have chosen to go hairless, broken down by gender and age. Hmmm, I do know just the person to find this out. Are you biting?

3. Taking no hair one step further we discussed shaving vs. waxing vs. laser. Oh, and you will happy to know not only did the Mangroomer come up, I believe there might have been a request for one for Father’s day.

You know, just a typical suburban chat over coffee.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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February 27, 2009 · 7:50 pm

She bit her tongue?

bite_tongue_bird

Conversation with my mom tonight:

Mom: I spoke with so-and-so today.

Me: That’s nice, you haven’t heard from her in awhile.

Mom: No, we have been talking a lot lately. She is a bit lonely. She doesn’t have many friends her age anymore that she can talk to.

Me: She NEVER had any friends, of any age.

Dad: (in the background) She NEVER had any friends. (Dad and I think alike, we are both evil to my mom’s sweetness)

Mom: Behave, the both of you. It was a nice conversation. She bit her tongue.

Me: Really? I am so surprised, she was never one to not say what was on her mind.

Mom: No, she actually BIT HER TONGUE. It was bleeding and everything!

You can’t make this stuff up!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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