Category Archives: absurdities

October 13, 2009 · 8:13 pm

Vermillion Dollar Lips

vermillion_dollar-lips

This little item comes to you via Dr. Jimmy, the rock ‘n roll dentist. He sent me the promo in the mail… with no note. Because, of course, none was needed. Who else but the MFTA would appreciate this to its fullest.

Speaking of fullest, how ’bout them lips. Yowza! When they talk Vermillion Dollars, they aren’t joking around. I cannot begin to tell you how much I love the name of this technique. It’s like a bad SNL skit.

For those who are interested in more details – or would like to get themselves a set of these babies – here is more information about lip and perioral augmentation.

Every once in awhile I like to post about plastic surgery. It intrigues me the lengths that people will go in the name of ‘perfection’. There is the botox route, and of course vaginal cosmetic surgery (yeh, that’s not freaky). Then there is the cosmetic surgery center that thinks insulting their potential market is a good marketing technique. (more on this group later this week). The more festive like to make it into a social event.

Don’t get me wrong, contrary to what many believe, I am not anti plastic surgery. There are many instances where a little nip and tuck can really help someone who has a drastic body flaw that makes them uncomfortable. The origination of plastic surgery was just that. Helping people feel better about themselves. But some of this stuff is pretty damn scary if you ask me. There is an epidemic of obsessive addiction to strive for the unattainable.

And let’s face it, are these the words you want uttered as you leave the room:

‘Jeez, did she ever have work done!’

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 11, 2009 · 10:45 pm

Master Bait and Tackle

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Need I say more? Gary spotted this one as we were driving down the road. These guys have a wonderful sense of humor. You have to love a place like this. Oh, and  little plug for these guys cuz they were so nice when I went in to buy Gary a t-shirt.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 7, 2009 · 8:32 pm

Reading this blog will make you smarter

brains

The NYT article, How Nonsense Sharpens the Intellect, by Benedict Carey, hits home here at i could cry but i don’t have time. Was Mr. Carey writing this article specifically for me, the Magnet for the Absurd? It is almost like he is directly promoting this blog by telling my readers that they will be smarter if they read me everyday.

A stretch? Maybe. Feeling a little egocentric these days.

Mr. Carey reports on a study by Travis Proulx of the University of California, Santa Barbara and Steven J. Heine of  the University of British Columbia that suggests witnessing the absurd  may cause people to feel the need to rid themselves of the uneasy feeling by getting highly involved in something else which appears to improve some kinds of learning. The brain gropes for something that will bring a person back to anything that makes sense. The study gives college students an absurd story to read and then uses a test that is a standard measure of what researchers call implicit learning: knowledge gained without awareness. The students performed quite well compared to a group who had read a coherent story.

I love this quote from the article:

“Still, the new research supports what many experimental artists, habitual travelers and other novel seekers have always insisted: at least some of the time, disorientation begets creative thinking.”

Hey, don’t know about you, but I am surely no stranger to disorientation.

Ok, so here is my test. Think about it. Say you wake up in the morning and read a blog post about the mirdle,or the mansierre or maybe even Uranus underwear. Perhaps the women in a parking lot with her pet bird or kids on leashes and dogs in strollers. Maybe you read about Relations Auto Body or a drive through Prozac Country. Or better yet, for those who were not here from the beginning, bathroom branding (wow I am getting a nice portfolio of this stuff, right?)

Now take a look at how you perform a difficult task or learn a new skill right afterwards. Perhaps you are a student, you read one of these posts and then take an exam.

Don’t laugh, I could be on to something.

Now, how can I monetize this…

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 6, 2009 · 8:14 pm

Anti Monkey Butt Powder?

anti-monkey-butt

mfta momentHere is a little Magnet for the Absurd (MFTA) moment brought to you by my BBFF (best blog friend forever) Liz. For those who are regular readers, I have deemed myself the MFTA because, well because I can, but also because oddities seem to present themselves to me quite often. Now when people see absurdities they send them to me to blog about. How wonderful since I really did not have much else to say today.

This lovely product seems to have many uses. It is for those who do Butt Busting activities as well as those who sit on their but all day which makes their target market…

Everyone!

Since you probably can’t read the fine print it says:

‘Absorbs excess sweat and reduces frictional skin irritation.’ According to my son, I believe this condition is called ‘swamp ass’. (hey, he is 17, they have very frank descriptors)

It is also ‘Ideal for butt busting activities such as motorcycling, truck driving, horseback riding, bicycling and other extreme sports.’

A little hop over to their website is quite entertaining. Seems they have expanded the line into a ‘Lady Anti Monkey Butt’ and they sell apparel and merch too. I love the copy in the top bar of the site “Is your butt irritated?”

Hey you could powder your ass with this stuff and then put on a brand spanking new pair of Uranus underwear. This seems like the grown up version of Butt Paste, also brought to my attention by a reader. Yes, I am an infant. Did I not prove this when I posted about Doodyman, Call-A-Head and the Modern Toilet restaurant.

Ok, I’ll stop, I promise…

for now.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 4, 2009 · 8:57 pm

Satellite radio and the simulated voice in my car

Lux_Audio_prem_audio_sys

I recently got a new car with a fancy tech package. This crazy automaton woman is constantly announcing stuff all the time. Frankly, sometimes I could choke the bitch.

But lately she has been the subject of some entertainment.

When the audio system is on (I don’t know, we used to just call this the damn radio) she feels compelled to announce the name of each station as if the big bold letters on the dashboard screen are not enough. The car has XM Sirius or Sirius XM or whatever the name is these days. I was spinning around the dial showing Gary how she says all sorts of station names because some of them sound really funny in her mechanical voice. Like Soul Town, that one is hysterical, so I made her say it a few times in a row until he almost smacked me in the head for kicks. Then I tuned into Underground Garage, but on the screen it is abbreviated as Undergrnd Garage. She pronounced it without the ‘ou’ and I realized that she was doing a character recognition voice simulation kind of thing.

That is when we heard the funniest one of all: Jam_On. Or as she called it Jam Underscore On.

Wait, are we the only ones who find this sort of thing amusing?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 3, 2009 · 11:44 pm

Spy Mix

spy-mix

Ah, the Spy Mix; every mother’s dream vending machine. I love the safety warning in the corner. It is the traditional choking hazard. “The small toys, balls or marbles in this machine are not meant for children under the age of three.” The fact that these are weapons and handcuffs is not a problem, we just don’t want your toddler choking on them.

I saw this in a vending machine at the movie theatre. Anyone else find this an odd thing to have in a suburban movie theater? I can picture the little boys pumping quarters into this sucker trying with all their might to get those handcuffs, only to find out they will are too small to restrain anything bigger than maybe the cat.

Or how about walking into the local emergency room with your kid having one of those little guns wedged hopelessly up their nose.

What ever happened to the machines with those really big pieces of gum? Wasn’t that enough?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 2, 2009 · 7:01 pm

Store for Problem Feet?

problem-feet

Stopped at a red light on the way home from a soccer game, I spotted this store. Thankfully the camera was not too far from reach.

Hmmm, problem feet? A whole store that caters to them? I would think maybe an aisle or a small department, but a whole store? And what kind of problems are we talking? Bunions, flat feet, too wide, too narrow, club foot? Maybe some freakishly large middle toe that throws you into a size or two bigger than you would normally wear?

“Can I help you ma’am?”

“Oh yes, I have problem feet.”

“No, problem here!”

It amazes me that a place like this would be able to thrive. Granted it is centrally located and easily accessible from parkways and soccer fields. But seriously, how do they make their rent every month?

Show of hands, how many of you actually suffer from problem feet out there?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 1, 2009 · 6:05 pm

Another Reason to Love NYC

Pak-Bangla-Indian-Italian-seafood

Thanks to my friend Sue, of the ‘why don’t you just start a blog already’ fame, I bring you this photo of one of NYC’s more versatile eateries.

Pak-Bangla-Indian/Italian/Seafood – slash a little bit for everyone. I love the use of hyphens and slashes on this signage. And I particularly love the Psychic sign above it from the establishment next door. It is easy to read your mind about what you are in the mood to eat when we serve just about EVERYTHING.

I wonder if the other side says Chinese-Japanese-Korean/Kosher/Vegetarian.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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September 30, 2009 · 9:32 pm

Technical flu

help-key

Forget about swine, I am suffering from something way worse. I’ve got me a bad case of the technical flu.

Now, I bet you are thinking that I am going to blame this on Mercury being in Retrograde, but oddly enough, I believe that ended yesterday at 9AM. That would be a few short hours before my garage door opener decided to stop working. As abruptly as it stopped, it started again. The 5 hour flu? Maybe.

Then my back up drive decided to freak out and time machine kept giving me error messages. After 2 hours and 3 levels of Apple tech, they deemed the time capsule ‘all messed up’ (I believe that is the tech terminology) and told me to erase the back up disk and start over. Yeh, well, I could have done that myself and saved 2 hours. But they were lovely people (all 3 levels of them) and I always feel a little better when it takes so long for them to figure things out because it validates why I could not do it out myself.

So Cosmic Charlie, or whoever else is messing with my crap, could you leave me be already and go pick on someone who has not been so battered by circumstance in the past few days?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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September 29, 2009 · 8:17 pm

My true love of AAA

501px-AAA_logo.svg

I have been a AAA member on and off for many years. There is something comforting about knowing that you can have roadside assistance wherever you may be.

Hmmm, define ‘assistance’.

I have never called them before yesterday, and honestly I use the membership more for hotel discounts than anything else. I first called to rescue the keys from the trunk of the car. That went quite well, less than an hour and I was good to go.

Then, as if Mercury in Retrograde had not wreaked enough havoc with my family in the last however much time it has been wreaking, we were faced with an unfortunate blow out.

In the rain.

In the dark.

Again, I pulled out my trusty AAA card and gave them a ring, telling them it is hard to believe but I need their assistance for a second time that evening. A very polite women gets all my info, gives me a code # and sympathizes with my bad day. She was lovely. Everything is fine until…

Husband decides to change the tire.

In the rain(ish).

In the dark.

In a SUIT!

Screaming. Yelling. Name calling. Yadayadayada, I called back AAA and canceled the request. I will spare you the details of the need for a second round of calling and canceling, but you can imagine how angry I was by then. Telling the woman the story she says, “Now Amy, if you run him over with your car you will go to jail for a long time. Just withhold dinner for a few weeks.” I surely thought she would tell me to withhold something else.

After all this I decided  what I think the true definition of ‘assistance’ is:

When you are so angry you are considering spousal homicide, they talk you down.

All kidding aside, I cannot say enough good things about AAA, their service and their helpful and rather funny employees. You guys rock. I also want to thank you for not suspending my membership for too many calls in one day.

I would imagine you must have some kind of cry wolf clause in your contract, no?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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