Category Archives: humor

December 7, 2010 · 10:58 pm

Those Crazy Sconnies

Having two kids in Wisconsin I am always on the lookout for interesting Wisco news. I was scrolling through twitter tonight looking for blog fodder and @tsand did not disappoint. I can always count on him to point out the more outrageous things going on in the world. Certainly in Wisconsin!

It seems a 57-year-old woman bit her 79-year-old husband’s tongue off during a kiss, then went outside to sing Christmas carols and blow a New Year’s horn. Fa-la-ooo-la-la! This babe is one wacky Sconnie!

She is being charged with felony mayhem. Felony Mayhem?! WTF, I love that charge. I want to know what other sort of thing falls into that category. Ok, so I could not resist a little googling around for the definition. Here is my favorite definition from The Free Dictionary:

Noun 1. mayhem – the willful and unlawful infliction of injury upon a person, esp (formerly) the injuring or removing of a limb rendering him less capable of defending himself against attack. Crippling, disfigurement, or mutilation of another.

Certainly incapable of defending himself in an argument at this point. Poor guy.

The victim said his wife had been acting strangely in recent days.

Ya think!!

I am still wondering how he could tell them that without his tongue.

Just another Bobbit-esque crime of passion, I suppose. Only milder. Lest we not forget this other famous Sconnie story where the scorned wife Crazy Glued her hubby’s member to his stomach. Do you think she was acting strange the few days before that?

Can’t make this stuff up.

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December 1, 2010 · 8:08 pm

ROTNKID

Every once in awhile I come across a license plate that makes me wonder what kind of person would actually choose to have that on their car.

This is one of them. ROTNKID. So pal, your whole life your parents told you that you were a rotten kid so you decided you might as well let everyone else know it. Will it give you an automatic excuse for being a dick on the road?

Can you imagine someone coming to pick you up on a date with this plate? Or worse, one of your kids.

Now if this were a modern age parental plate it would say ROTNBEHAVIOR, because everyone knows you don’t tell your kid they are rotten. That would scar them for life. And maybe cause them to emblazon it on their license plate when they grow up.

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November 30, 2010 · 10:41 pm

Monkey Feet

Can you pick up a beer bottle with your toes? No? Well then you do not have monkey feet.

My son, on the other hand, was able to pick up that bottle with his lengthy digits with great ease. (no, he could not bring the bottle to his lips, that would make him double jointed).

Please do not underestimate this great talent. At the very least I am sure he is eligible for Letterman’s Stupid Human Tricks. Like all idiotic parents of our generation, we like to encourage what makes our children unique. You know, ‘we all have talents…blah, blah, blah’. I am surprised he was not trophied for this as a young boy.

It is amazing how long those toes are. His big toe actually looks like my thumb! It is uncanny.

Moral of the story: never dare an 18-year-old to do anything; chances are he will find a way to do it.

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Filed under absurdities, body image, carry a camera, danny, family, humor, magnet for the absurd

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November 28, 2010 · 9:17 pm

Doody Babies

I know, after the holiday weekend I am supposed to keep the warm and fuzzy alive and tell you all how special my holiday was. How wonderful it was to be with family and friends. How everyone sleeping in their own beds and having my kids home was absolutely the best. How perfect the table looked, how the Chambers oven earned itself another year of life by actually cooking the turkey in a reasonable amount of time (define reasonable).

But all I  really want to share with you is my son and two nephews and how after eating the holiday meal they felt it was important to pose in this photo with their…

doody babies.

My son has gone so far as to name his Chester (we do not know why). He would be on the right with that more than concerning stance of a true pregnant woman. Look at the way his hand is bracing his back. You would actually think he was pregnant!  All three of them look quite authentic. When I posted this on facebook someone commented on the patriotic touch of the red, white and blue. Um, yeh, well ok.

Just curious, does stuff like this go on at anyone else’s holiday dinners? And have any of you ever heard of doody babies before or is this just our family? (you should hear our table conversations)!

 

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November 24, 2010 · 12:23 am

Gelatinous

Tonight’s word is ‘gelatinous’. In an attempt to get a head start on Thanksgiving I decided to make the cranberry sauce tonight. Happy to have Jana and her girls in the kitchen we set out to make the easiest of holiday recipes.

Not.

It would appear there was too much water. Or not enough sugar. Or just plain beat cranberries. But in no way did this cranberry sauce possess the (here it comes) gelatinous consistency that we expected.

We were, however, happy to be able to use the word gelatinous more often than humanly possible.

There were years when I used to burn an apple pie, then have to bake another. I suppose the cranberries were tagged as ‘it’ this year.

 

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November 14, 2010 · 8:51 am

Hoosier Daddy? – Big 10 Football

Ah, Big 10 football and a rainy morning in Madison, Wisconsin. The late morning kick-off is no reason not to pre-game when you are in college. And for the young woman on the left, the mid-40 degree weather and drizzling chill was no reason to wear sleeves either.

This apartment was a half a block from Randall Stadium and there were no shortages of cheers from the crowd as they passed them by. You have to love the spirit of college football; and the complete joy they get from being fans.

This was the last home game my daughter, the senior, will attend as a student and marked the end of the first season for my son, the freshman. With a final score of  83 to 20 this home season went out with a bang. (this is not the official last home game which takes place Thanksgiving weekend, but it is the last one for my kids). UW set a school record and tied a Big Ten record for points scored and scored more points than any other FBS team this season.

I must apologize to you all for not getting the best shot of the day, which was the two guys walking down the street in the freezing cold rain in nothing but sneakers and badger g-strings.

I know, I am slipping up, sorry.

 

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Filed under carry a camera, college, current events, danny, family, humor, Jana, sports, travel

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November 10, 2010 · 10:12 pm

Keep Calm and Carry On

Sitting at my desk today this shot came through in an email from a friend who always seems to capture the essence of my day. It is the more civilized version of  ‘Everyone Calm the Fuck Down’ which would not be all that appropriate hanging in someone’s office like this was.

I particularly love the crown. It gives it a regal sort of directive that would make me feel foolish if I did not obey. You know, because I am so reverent and all in real life.

My friends, I know sometimes the world is on fire and it seems like things are just a little more frenetic than we would like them to be. Kind of like your hair is standing on end and you are running in circles getting nowhere. But panic never helped the situation. So everyone, please…

Keep calm

and

Carry on.

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November 7, 2010 · 11:41 pm

Drinks on Us – A restaurant tale

Well, more accurately the drinks were on my poor friend. Literally.

You see the rather clueless and clumsy Maître d’ was serving us a tray of drinks when he forgot the single most important trick to serving… keep the tray parallel to the ceiling. It seems the laws of gravity escaped him.

I watched in slow motion as 2 vodka’s, 2 beers, a glass of wine (a really good pour I might add) and one ginger ale (for the designated) went flowing down the back of my dear friend. Sadly for him, the Maître d’ reacted in equally slow motion. Even sadder for him, he made the poor choice of trying to mop up the floor before making an effort to placate the patron.

Bad choice.

Bad to worse as the best he could do was tell us that ‘accidents happen’. Even after a pretty good tongue lashing from the irate husband of the sopping victim he still did not get the basic principles of restaurant groveling and could not come up with a way to make good on the disaster. Granted, said husband took perhaps a little too much sport in embarrassing the fool, but he was an easy target. To his credit he did agree to a round of drinks

At one point the entire restaurant was listening, the couple at the next table left and still neither he nor the owner (his dad, btw, who he told us was not in just minutes earlier when we asked) could figure out what to do.

That is when I could not help myself and jumped in. I felt bad for the guy for no reason other than he was just so damn STUPID.

“Listen”, I said, “Here is a little restaurant 101. Do anything to quiet the miserable customer. Buy them a round of drinks, offer to comp dinner for the dripping wet wife and pay for the dry cleaning bill. In other words… damage control.”

His response was somewhere between deer in the headlights and boxer who took too many hits to the head. To his credit he did agree to a round of drinks and dry cleaning at some point but unfortunately it was somewhere between too little and too late.

Fairly certain they spit in all our dinners before delivering the bill…

with only one round of drinks comped.

Hey, at least it wasn’t a boring evening.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1f3jK0p18M&feature=fvw

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November 2, 2010 · 11:24 pm

ITZMURDA I tell ya!

Haven’t posted a good license plate in awhile. This one popped up today while I was driving with my parents. My dad was very into helping me capture it and drove up nice and close. I love a family that supports my absurdities.

The best part is the bird dropping just below the wiper.

ITZMURDA. So what do you think this means? Do we have a gangsta on our hands? Or is this commentary on the daily grind?

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October 27, 2010 · 11:49 pm

Booty Pop – When baby don’t have back

Yes folks, now you too can have that perfect booty. With Booty Pop. What are these, you ask? Well, they are the panties that make your booty pop.

And we want our booty pop because…

Oh right, I am not the demographic.

As they say on the website “Lose that boring backside. Get a Booty-licious booty in an instant?” Oh dear lord. Then what happens when he falls for your big ole backside and you slide those suckers off and he finds the only thing in your panties is that boring backside. So, these are actually butt falsies? What next?

These were found in the Bed Bath & Beyond sale rack. Thinking maybe the BBB shopper out looking for some cookware or maybe a bathroom hutch is not in the market for Booty Pop panties. But hey, you never know.

Makes a nice impulse buy item.

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