Category Archives: humor

February 19, 2011 · 4:01 pm

The $300 Thaw

A few weeks back this household was struck with a series of annoying bad luck. Nothing all that serious, just a chain of really annoying events (ok and a few that were sort of serious but I won’t share, and thank goodness those have been resolved).

First, Gary got rear-ended on the LIE… in my car, of course. The insurance company was wonderful, we got a rental car and decided to spring for the $16/day upgrade to an SUV since it was in the midst of Snowmageddon ’11. All is well and good, it snows on top of snow and we get in the groove of shoveling every week; bitching and moaning like the rest of the world. Until…

We have completed the big dig out and Gary asks me for the keys to the rental car so he can move it into the street to brush off the snow.

I look everywhere… pockets, bags, bathrooms, nooks and crannies.

No key.

It becomes quite obvious that we have no choice but to call the rental company and get the second set.

News Flash: rental cars companies do NOT keep a second set. They call a locksmith for you. But of course on this day after a blizzard I am informed that the locksmith is snowed in. “With all due respect”, I told the woman at the rental place, “I am a 50-something Jewish woman on the North Shore of Long Island and I was able to dig out, what kind of wussy is this locksmith that he is… ahem… ‘snowed in’.”

He showed up at 4.

And $300 later we had a new key.

Fast forward to today. After a few days of record high temps the snow is melting almost as fast as it came down. And while I was out on the lawn (affectionately named ‘doody lane’ for the path we shoveled for the dog) picking up said doody, I spotted a glint out to the corner of my eye.

Yes folks, the original rental car key. As I suspected, it must have fallen out my pocket, was snowed upon and shoveled onto the mountain on the side of the driveway. Yes, other people have told me I have a Lucy and Ethel sort of life.

I thought about giving it back but decided that a shadow box frame was worth a $300 laugh in the whole of life.

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February 16, 2011 · 9:51 pm

My Daughter the Doctor?

Every year for as long as I can remember my dad has always sent me flowers on Valentine’s Day. No matter where I lived, or with who, he always made sure that on February 14th my doorbell would ring and a beautiful bouquet of flowers would be delivered to remind me that I would always be his little girl.

As soon as my daughter was old enough to understand, she too, was the recipient of her Zaidie’s special Valentine’s flowers. Daughter #2 – my sister-in-law, was on his list as well. And of course he would never forget my mom. Simply put, there will always be flowers for all his girls.

This year the flowers came as I was running out to a meeting. I unwrapped them, looked at the card and called dad as soon as I could to thank him. I could not help but think how special this constant is. How the little things in life are the ones that form the memories you will never forget. Even though we know they will be coming, it is always so special to receive them.

This post could have been a Time to Cry (again) Thursday if the florist with the hearing problem did not add this humorous twist.

It was not until this morning as I was making coffee that I looked more closely at the card:

To my doctor who can do everything. Luv ya, Dad.

I can’t help but wonder if his doctor got flowers addressed to me.

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February 13, 2011 · 11:24 am

Life with a Diabetic Dog

Oh, and with my husband, of course. A man of brevity, Gary leaves me little notes on the kitchen counter if he leaves before I get up. (he is such a romantic).

I have been battling the plague some sort of sinus/respiratory thing this week and slept in this morning since I was up hacking half the night. I came downstairs to make a cup of tea and found this note on the counter.

Translation: Let the dog out and she did her business, gave her insulin and fed her.

It’s good to laugh first thing in the morning, thanks G.

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February 11, 2011 · 6:04 pm

Eat. Prey. Love.

I saw this in the book rack at the drug store while I was waiting for a prescription. The local shop owners don’t even flinch anymore when I whip out my camera.

Am I the only one who thinks this title is hysterical? It’s like the guy’s version of the book. I love the quote at the bottom:

“An absolute delight!”

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February 9, 2011 · 8:35 pm

This is why I love my daughter’s friends

My daughter and her friends have finally hooked into twitter, and I LOVE it.

The other day I saw this tweet:

Since it is hard to read I will translate:

Chetley Has Been Compromised. There is a Situation!

Chetley would be her beloved teddy bear that I have reconstructed more than once in her lifetime. He has also been the target of similar ‘terrorist’ attacks by her campers when she was a counselor. I was a bit concerned when I saw the tweet so sent back a reply asking about his welfare.

This is what came next:

I could not see who was in the picture so I texted her to find out that it is The Situation from Jersey Shore, hence, ‘the situation’ in the first photo.

How can you not love these girls? Speaking of which (cough cough, shameless plug) if you did not get a chance to donate to the UW Dance Marathon that they are participating in, it is not too late. You can do so here.

 

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February 7, 2011 · 11:16 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – A Hint of Spring

If you live in the northeast, you felt it over the past few days. That ice-glazed mountain of snow you call your yard shrunk down a few inches. Perhaps your gutters came crashing down as the ice dams that formed in them melted. You opened your coat, took off your gloves, gave the snow shovel the finger and smiled when you went outside for the first time in weeks.

You believed in that groundhog, dammit… this winter WILL end soon!

Let’s not get a false sense of security here. We will shift back into the frigid temps before the end of the week. But perhaps we should take a look at this little snow reprieve as a sign that we need to adjust our attitudes about this winter.

It will end. We WILL see our lawns again. The dogs will be able to relieve themselves in places other than the doody lanes that we have shoveled for them. We will garden, and picnic and yes we will actually feel sand between our toes.

And hey, before you know it we will be bitching about the steamy hot summer again.

 

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January 31, 2011 · 11:58 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – Snow Fatigue and the Baby Monkey

Are you suffering from Snow Fatigue? Or perhaps PTSFS (Post Traumatic Snow Fatigue Syndrome). Then again, how can we reach the post- traumatic phase when the damn snow keeps falling? Enough already, right?

This morning I was listening to another weather report warning me of yet more accumulation – this time with the added treat of ice on top of all the snow. Just at the moment that I thought I would surely scream, my son sent me an instant message with a link. It simply said, “My friend showed me this. I knew you would love it.”

Now, there is really nothing on earth better than a kid that knows you so well he can imagine you sitting at your desk cracking up at a ridiculous video. It was as if he could feel my weather disgust halfway across the country and knew just when to send out some relief. Funny thing about having a stupid sense of humor… I am pretty sure it is genetic.

So, my poor frozen Northeast friends, here is some relief – Danny style, to chase those blues away. And for those who are in more temperate climates, you will just love this for no other reason than it is so endearing. Warning: you will be singing this song for the better part of the day.

 

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January 23, 2011 · 8:34 pm

Fugitive Finder

The other night we stopped by the King Kullen to pick up dessert to bring to a friend’s house. On the way out between the Pennysavers and the auto finders was none other than…

The Fugitive Finder.

I love their tagline: We are keeping Long Island safe… and you can help!

Yikes!

Really? In our sleepy little town this is the last item I would have expected to find on the way out of a supermarket . We particularly liked the Fugitive of the Month on the cover. I shudder to think how he earned that spot. Note that this paper is free. Seriously, would someone pay for the Fugitive Finder? Or is there a worry that it would be stolen? The whole thing is a bit creepy.

If you are wondering who advertised in there we found a Become a Security Guard ad, a couple of attorneys, a bail bondsmen, a staff and recruitment company (odd, to say the least) and on their website this ad was my absolute favorite!

Guess someone was scorned out there in Quogue.

We picked this copy of the Fugitive Finder up as a gift for our friend the criminal attorney.

He was touched.

 

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January 21, 2011 · 7:02 pm

How much is that doggie in the window?

Let me preface this post with the fact that I have an 11 1/2 year old dog who I adore. That said, I also have 2 kids in college and money does not exactly grow on the trees in my yard (although we are pretty convinced it might on the trees of others in our zip code – note to self: buy one of those houses).

This week our dog, Mel, was diagnosed with diabetes. I am happy to report that after a rough few days and fear that I would be working the night shift at Dairy Barn to pay for her treatment, the financial hit was not that bad. We will manage because… well because she is our friggin’ dog, for G-d sake and it is hard to put a price on her head… ish.

Which brings me to a story about my dear friends in Rhode Island who called in a timely fashion as we were going through this with a story that is not to be believed. This is a bit long but worth following. And it has a major ‘ish’ to it.

Their dog had a tumor in her eye. She is also almost 12. No pain, happy as can be, just an eye tumor. Vet recommended removing the entire eye and the cost of surgery was $2,800 plus-plus (hospital stay, meds, etc). They opted out and the vet had an attitude. Fast forward a few months or so and the tumor had grown out of control. They went back to the vet who then wanted to charge $4,000. They hem and haw and realized that with all the unexpected expenses that month (wisdom teeth, new boiler, etc) they simply didn’t have the cash and $4,000 to do surgery on a 12 year old dog seemed crazy. She had a good long life and their hearts were broken but they decided they had to put the dog to sleep.

They say their goodbyes the night before. They bring her into the vet. They are sick. The receptionist tells them the vet wants to see them. They are then told that they have found someone who will adopt the dog and pay for the surgery but they have to sign the dog over to them.

WTF! They are freaking! “Sure”, he says, “they have now embarrassed me that I will not save the dog, then they knock her  out and she wakes up without an eye and has to live in some alternate reality where they start calling her Daisy and want to be her family. Now how the hell can I do that?! This is a tiny town in RI. I can see it now, I am going to pull up in a parking lot a few months from now and there will be my freakin’ dog sitting in someone else’s car. She will see me and give me the ‘where the hell have YOU been’ look and ask me why everyone is calling her Daisy.”

At this point of his telling of the story I am both laughing and crying and cannot breathe.

Needless to say they grabbed their dog, left the vet and went for a second opinion. They went to a well known animal hospital that quoted them $2,000 for their canine opthalmic surgeon (still wondering why they need the specialist if they are taking out the whole damn eye) and they schedule the surgery. Of course there is a snowstorm and they have to reschedule.

It gets worse. The next day they see blood on the kitchen floor and they find that the tumor has burst. They wrap the dog in a blanket and rush her to the doggie ER where they do emergency surgery, remove the eye, the dog is fine and the cost?

$1,000 because it was emergency, not scheduled, and they did not use the specialist.

Seriously!

Happy to report the dog is now happy as can be – sans one eye – and barks with a bit of a pirate’s accent. They are using the money they saved to buy a wardrobe of eye patches for her.

Can’t make this stuff up.

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January 12, 2011 · 11:02 pm

If you kiss this bag will it turn into a prince?

This one was sent to me by a reader as it has MFTA written all over it. Yes folks, these are none other than authentic…

toad purses.

Yeh, I know, you don’t know how you lived without one of these up until now. Well, no worries, you can get one here. And it seems you will be doing your part for the environment by ‘keeping the cane toad population down’. Yep, that has been of huge concern to both myself and my extended family! You should consider buying one for a friend because, you know, ‘cane toad novelties make unique and unusual gifts’.

I’ll say!

These babies are almost as good as the famous rat slippers. What a lovely ensemble the two would make!

Thanks J., for sending me the link.

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