Category Archives: absurdities

The Best Garbage Ever!

No lie. This baby was lying at the curb down the block from my house today. If you are a regular reader, you know I have an affection for things left at the curb. I am not sure if my neighborhood is simply ripe with refuse, or if all neighborhoods are like this but people just don’t notice. Or they notice but don’t document. My garbage posting has gotten to a point where I am thinking of starting a garbage blog. Thoughts?

So this item was found outside a house that has new residents. The previous homeowners predate my family and we have been here 24 years (how can that be, this was my starter house). I am thinking that I am falling in love with these new neighbors before I have even met them.

If you are having trouble making out what this is, it would be a very large metal sculpture of a giraffe; one that looks as if it was hit by a car. This sucker was huge. I would say certainly the size of an actual baby giraffe. Here is a shot of just the face. I simply love the eyelash detail.

So, my dear readers, I put this question out to you, was this an item that the new owners found in the house, or was this something they moved with and then decided they no longer wanted? Or perhaps they had all intentions of using it as a lawn ornament but the movers destroyed it. It’s been a while since we took a poll, so let’s put it out there. All you lurkers who don’t like to comment, go ahead and vote, it’s anonymous.

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Beep Ditty F’in Beep Beep

Did you get that? You know, Beep Ditty Beep Beep (Beep Beep) That hideously annoying pattern is the car horn of a man who lovingly picks up his wife from the same commuter train that my daughter arrives on each evening.

I am pretty sure it is just a matter of days before sweet Jana unloads the misery of her entire work day upon this psycho spouse for beeping this pattern not once, not twice, but three times when he picks his wife up at the station. As if she does not see his car, front and center in the parking lot. As if he is not there in the same place EVERY day. As if they do not have a make and model that no one else in the lot has.

Here’s the thing; commuting is a pattern. There are basically the same people on each train, give or take, and you get to recognize the ebb and flow of their task of going to work. There is a sort of sedated routine respect that everyone falls into. Every morning we see tie not tied yet guy. And we see freshly curled hair woman. We love the familiarity of the groundhog’s day way they pass in front of our car. It is comforting to know that if we leave the house just after the school bus passes on the :39 we will comfortably make the :45 (unless of course the garbage truck is in the station lot blocking our way – can’t THEY figure out to come 4 minutes later and not disrupt the commuters?). We know we are cool if we pass the auto body shop before the gate is opened. And the second turn is better than the first because there is no traffic light.

Now I am sure that Mr. Beep Ditty is practicing this same kind of routine with his lovely wife. It is probably something that he has been doing forever and she finds it sweet and sort of cute. Or not and one day SHE will unload the misery of her day on him. But he has to stop and think for one moment that perhaps this might get on the last nerve of the other people getting off that train.

The thing is, I would normally advise Jana to just roll with it. But I am sort of into witnessing her haul off and shout “Are you KIDDING me?” just once.

Bad mothering or sport? You decide.

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Hey Bub, can you lend me some support?

This beauty is wedged in the window of a local pharmacy that just happens to be next to a bar. Two vodkas to the wind and I spot this baby as we are saying goodbye to our friends. By some freak of forgetfulness I did not have a phone or a camera. A big thanks to Joyce for lending me hers.

So let’s take a look at this in detail. Well, why not, we did just that standing outside the bar last night. Might as well share. First, that is one pretty generous sized supporter on top, wouldn’t you say. Has sort of a diaper-like quality to it.

Our favorite parts:

1. Well, “Bub” of course.

2. Will outlast 2 low price supporters. Which 3? Does not commit

3. Will outlaunder (is that a word?) any 3 low priced supporters.

4. Genuine surgical elastic. Because, you know, you need to cradle the boys in something sterile.

5. The NAME: Duribilknit. How would you pronounce that?

I am thinking this place may want to consider updating their window. You know, like once every 50 years or so. I want to go in and tell them they might want to consider it. And of course let them know I can take this baby off their hands. Don’t you think it would look great in a shadow box frame in the new office?

Just saying.

 

 

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Mothers of the Year – Tanorexic Mom and Pink Bikini Hooker Mom

Oh, how proud I am to live in the Northeast these days. We are blessed with two fabulous mother role models  just in time for Mother’s Day. How inspiring.

Some of you moms out there are worrying about your parenting skills. My friend Michelle Lamar has been writing about raising teens on Huff Po this week and lamenting about whether or not she is making sound choices. Have no fear, Michelle, these two beauties will make you feel much better.

Julio Cortez/AP Photos

Tanorexic mom? That would be the name of the new action figure doll from herobuilder.com that is modeled after the woman from Jersey who got all sorts of attention for obsessive tanning. The story started with an accusation of taking her little one into a tanning booth with her, but the media became so enthralled with her that she hit SNL this past weekend with a sketch that had me in tears. (I loved the toast part… I am such an infant)

Fox News

Then there is Pink Bikini Hot Dog Hooker Mom (name just rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it?) This morning as I poured my first cup of joe I was assaulted with the image of this lunatic. And, scary but true, she lives not far from where I grew up. As she told us so wisely, “Stripping and prostitution are 2 different things.” Ok, hon, so where does lap dancing fall? Better yet, where does lap dancing after luring the guys to your hot dog truck in a pink bikini. Talk about self esteem… I wish I could see what this chick sees when she looks in the mirror. I simply loved her closing statement on the news, “Come to Sunrise Highway in Baldwin tomorrow and I will have on my pink bikini and we’ll take a picture by the hot dawg truck.”

What’s the shot I can convince Gary that the best Mother’s Day gift he can give me would be a picture of him with this lunatic?

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Horny Goat Weed

Please discuss!

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Time to Cry Tuesday – Brides with Feeding Tubes

This is usually a place where I write about poignant, touching moments in life. Today I am reserving my right to talk about something that disturbs and saddens me quite deeply.

I will put this on my list of Top 10 Most Disturbing Stories of the Year. Ok, I don’t have a list like that but I am going to start one. I will also include vaginal cosmetic surgery. You see where I am going.

Briefly, here is the story. Brides-to-be are turning to feeding tube diets, or the K-E diet, for rapid weight loss of 10-20 lbs. in 10 days in order to fit into their wedding gowns. Here’s a novel idea ladies: alter a wedding dress to fit you instead of altering you to fit a dress!

This diet involves inserting a nasogastric tube to ‘feed’ the woman  for 10 days; cutting the daily intake to 800 calories. It is described as a hunger-free form of dieting. Correct me if I am wrong, but is this INSANE?

What blows my mind is a 41-year-old woman, Jessica Shnaider, had no problem being featured in this NYT story and then again on most major TV morning news shows. Here are some quotes from this person:

“I don’t have all of the time on the planet just to focus an hour and a half a day to exercise so I came to the doctor, I saw the diet, and I said, ‘You know what? Why not?”

Yeh, I can see why walking around with a friggin’ tube in your nose and not eating for 10 days would be less of a hassle than exercising and healthy dieting!

And then there was this beauty of a soundbite:

“People think I’m sick, I’m dying,” said Ms. Schnaider, a watch wholesaler in Miami. She refrained from going into her daughters’ school. “The children, they would be scared,” she said.

The adults that she knew were not scared by this behavior? Let me think of one adult that should have been running to catch the next train out of crazy town – THE KNUCKLEHEAD WHO WAS ABOUT TO MARRY HER. And did you catch the fact that she has a daughter?! Is there any hope for this young girl?

What is so disturbing about this diet is the doctors who are willing do facilitate it. Is the $1,500 that much of an incentive in the days where health insurance has shaved down the profitability of a medical practice? Here is a quote from a doc who might think they are tempering this with some solid advice:

“I don’t want to tell a bride she shouldn’t look good for the wedding,” Dr. Aronne said. “But we tell them, ‘You can get to the same place if you started earlier, instead of waiting until the last minute and doing something drastic.’ ”

How responsible, doc. How about something we rarely hear these days… the word NO and a referral to a good therapist to work out these debilitating body image issues and help these women to start their marriages on a healthy note instead of sending them right down the road of serious problems.

I have both a son and a daughter. This story disturbs me on so many levels. I don’t know which would worry me more, my daughter wanting to do this or my son marrying someone who did. Imagine these women raising kids.

Let me remove my outrage for a moment and get down to why this has me so inflamed. I have watched too many woman fall down this hole. Not just young women, but those who are at an age where you would hope they would finally get over their value being tied to how thin they are. I can sadly say that I count more women of all ages in the category of poor relationships with food than not. The scary thing about this therapy is it could be argued that it is ‘healthier’ than most eating disorder related behaviors because at least there is an attempt at nutrition, it is doctor-supervised and it is only short term. How sad is that?

Some sobering statistics from The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, Inc. (please see this link for sources). I have picked only a few, but the ones that struck me as the most appalling.

  • Anorexia is the third most common chronic illness amongst adolescents
  • Almost 50% of people with eating disorders meet the criteria for depression
  • Up to 24 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the US
  • Over one half of teenage girls and nearly one-third of teenage boys use unhealthy weight control behaviors such as skipping meals, fasting, smoking cigarettes, vomiting, and taking laxatives
  • In a survey of 185 female students on a college campus, 58% felt pressure to be a certain weight, and of the 83% that dieted for weight loss, 44% were of normal weight
  •  42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner and 81% of 10-year-olds are afraid of being fat

This last one saddened me the most. It is starting at such an early age. The little girl that dreams of her wedding day and then sticks a tube down her nose to lose weight could most likely have been carrying this baggage since she was 7 years old.

How do we stop this madness?

Here is a start. Anya Strzemien of Stylist wrote this fabulous post. Women and men alike, please make this required reading for you, your friends, your daughters and most importantly anyone you worry about regarding risky body image and eating issues. In short, Ms. Strzemien implemented a tip jar to fine anyone in the office who says something negative about their appearance. The fine is $1 for every negative comment someone makes, with proceeds going to Girls Inc, an organization that promotes self-esteem and leadership skills for young girls. She took it one step further and flipped the focus to a positive one by using the comments section of her post to ask readers to say something good about themselves. In return, the Huffington Post Media Group will donate $1 for every comment up to $5,000.

Let that be the kind of behavior we ask our daughters to imitate and leave the feeding tubes to the minority!

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Miss Friday

I wonder why I don’t go to the flea markets every weekend.

This pic was taken at a pretty seedy outdoor market in Chelsea where most of the stuff looked like it came out of the back of my parents garage. Again, this is an item I wish I had purchased. This would look great in the new office and who doesn’t want a headless secretary. Oh wait, people want a secretary that gives good head… never mind. (cheap, I know)

I particularly like the way she has her hand on her hip with an air of WTH do you want attitude. Take a look at the red and blue buttons in front of the hand. Do you think those are panic buttons? And the name plaque on her desk is the best. Oh how I covet this little tinny item.

I need to go back to this place and see if they still have her. She really is perfect. And honestly, who else would want this besides me?

 

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Easter and Passover Musings from an Immature Woman

Yes, I admit that I am immature. In fact, I am rather proud of it. I like slapstick and bathroom humor and yes, even the original 3 Stooges – no one likes Shemp. (the latter being one of the main reasons my husband married me)

This year Passover and Easter fell on the same weekend. This made Riki very uncomfortable as she worried very much about how the chickens were going to produce so many eggs in such a short period of time.

My brother (the labor lawyer) assured her they were being paid overtime.

Here are some of my holiday musings for Passover/Easter 2012

1. Potato Starch drug deal – After 4 trips in 24 hours to the market, I did not have the patience to make one more. Late Thursday night I realized that I needed half a cup of potato starch for a recipe. Riki (she is showing up a lot here lately) was kind enough to leave me some in her mailbox so I could pick it up at the ungodly hour of 6:45 AM when I take Jana to the train. As I lifted it out of the mailbox I thought of the possible headline, “Jewish mother arrested for bag of supposed cocaine in her front seat… later found out this was potato starch.”

2. All of the other horseradish were jealous – no explanation necessary. I have posted about this before. Again… there is no end to my adolescent behavior. I also wrote about a well-endowed cucumber a few summers ago. Let’s face it, phallic vegetables are ALWAYS funny, in the same way that talking about Uranus is.

3. Scary Easter Bunny – I took this shot at the Chelsea Flea market a while back and I had to post it for Easter for none other than my friend Michelle Lamar who has an equal affection for the absurd. We tend to try to outpost each other with weird stuff. She is the one who turned me on to tampon crafts way back when.

Yes, there are many of us out there who act this way.

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Diaper Lab

A big thanks to Uncle Neal for sending me this photo. (please don’t ask the origin of the Uncle, I do not know and no he is not a relative… of the traditional sense, anyway).

This came with the following explanation – of sorts – “we were leaving a tequila bar and saw this”. At first I thought perhaps he was afraid it was an hallucination so he took the picture to document its existence. Then, when he woke up and saw it on his phone, he thought who better to send this to but the MFTA?

Googling it, he found out that Diaper Lab  is a diaper service. The lab part sort of grosses me out. It makes me think that they are doing experiments on the contents of the soiled little nappies in the middle of the night. Maybe it is the way the shot was taken; in the pitch black with just the spot lights shining on the signage.

Ok, again, vivid imagination.

Of course, this picture has won the MFTA approval, for sure. Thanks Neal!

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Catalog Jew?

This direct mail piece came today from Express.

Gary: Hey there is a Jewish guy on the cover of the Express catalog

Me: How do you know

Gary: Look he’s wearing a yarmulke

Me: What?

Then I looked at the picture above. Positioned just in the right place to look like he was, in fact wearing one, was placed a wafer seal.

For those not of the tribe, a yarmulke is pronounced: yamikah and it is a scull cap worn by observant Jewish men. For those who are not in the direct mail business, a wafer seal is the little round annoying sticker that the Post Office requires printers to put on a folded piece of promo material to keep it closed.

If all that description killed the visual joke for you, I totally get that. But it was totally worth that risk to make sure everyone got it. Now go back to the beginning and look at the picture and realize how funny it really was.

Or just tell me to give it up.

 

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