Tag Archives: health

How much is that doggie in the window?

Let me preface this post with the fact that I have an 11 1/2 year old dog who I adore. That said, I also have 2 kids in college and money does not exactly grow on the trees in my yard (although we are pretty convinced it might on the trees of others in our zip code – note to self: buy one of those houses).

This week our dog, Mel, was diagnosed with diabetes. I am happy to report that after a rough few days and fear that I would be working the night shift at Dairy Barn to pay for her treatment, the financial hit was not that bad. We will manage because… well because she is our friggin’ dog, for G-d sake and it is hard to put a price on her head… ish.

Which brings me to a story about my dear friends in Rhode Island who called in a timely fashion as we were going through this with a story that is not to be believed. This is a bit long but worth following. And it has a major ‘ish’ to it.

Their dog had a tumor in her eye. She is also almost 12. No pain, happy as can be, just an eye tumor. Vet recommended removing the entire eye and the cost of surgery was $2,800 plus-plus (hospital stay, meds, etc). They opted out and the vet had an attitude. Fast forward a few months or so and the tumor had grown out of control. They went back to the vet who then wanted to charge $4,000. They hem and haw and realized that with all the unexpected expenses that month (wisdom teeth, new boiler, etc) they simply didn’t have the cash and $4,000 to do surgery on a 12 year old dog seemed crazy. She had a good long life and their hearts were broken but they decided they had to put the dog to sleep.

They say their goodbyes the night before. They bring her into the vet. They are sick. The receptionist tells them the vet wants to see them. They are then told that they have found someone who will adopt the dog and pay for the surgery but they have to sign the dog over to them.

WTF! They are freaking! “Sure”, he says, “they have now embarrassed me that I will not save the dog, then they knock her  out and she wakes up without an eye and has to live in some alternate reality where they start calling her Daisy and want to be her family. Now how the hell can I do that?! This is a tiny town in RI. I can see it now, I am going to pull up in a parking lot a few months from now and there will be my freakin’ dog sitting in someone else’s car. She will see me and give me the ‘where the hell have YOU been’ look and ask me why everyone is calling her Daisy.”

At this point of his telling of the story I am both laughing and crying and cannot breathe.

Needless to say they grabbed their dog, left the vet and went for a second opinion. They went to a well known animal hospital that quoted them $2,000 for their canine opthalmic surgeon (still wondering why they need the specialist if they are taking out the whole damn eye) and they schedule the surgery. Of course there is a snowstorm and they have to reschedule.

It gets worse. The next day they see blood on the kitchen floor and they find that the tumor has burst. They wrap the dog in a blanket and rush her to the doggie ER where they do emergency surgery, remove the eye, the dog is fine and the cost?

$1,000 because it was emergency, not scheduled, and they did not use the specialist.

Seriously!

Happy to report the dog is now happy as can be – sans one eye – and barks with a bit of a pirate’s accent. They are using the money they saved to buy a wardrobe of eye patches for her.

Can’t make this stuff up.

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Filed under absurdities, humor, pets

Do you lose your boobs?

True story:

A daughter is still new to the menstruation game. She is young and can really do without it. Honestly, she does not see the point. Her mom tries to shed some light on the subject.

Mom: Honey, as a girl matures, things happen to her body. She gets her period, she starts to grow breasts, and her body changes. Right before your period every month you can tend to be a little moody.

Daughter: I know, but why?

Mom: Well, this is all the beginning of changing a girl’s body into a woman’s body. And then as a woman gets older, like mommy, she goes through something called menopause. Her body changes again and she stops getting her period. And again she can tend to be a little moody.

Daughter: Oh no mom! Does that mean you are going to lose your boobs?!

Mom: (Laughing) Um, no not exactly. But they sure don’t look like they used to.

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Filed under body image, teenagers

Awareness Weeks

During the course of my work I occasionally get involved with creating graphics for different awareness weeks or months. Usually these are disease-related and we need to create a look and feel for these events. I love patient information work, it makes me feel like during the course of making a living I am at least helping to educate patients and families, making the navigation through the unpleasant a bit more palatable.

Ok, I recognize this is (so far) not a very funny blog post.

I always start a project by procrastinating on the internet in the name of research, or as we like to refer to it in the business – doing a search on what is currently in the market. This week was no different. Here are a few of my favorites that I thought you might find entertaining.

Handwashing Awareness Week (Dec 5-11). Funny, but a good idea. And this site called Henry the Hand – Champion Handwasher, just kills me. I love the remake of Hand Jive that they use as their sound track.

Mathematics Awareness Month (April) because you can never get too much math!

Aggressive Driving Month Hmm, I know a few people who could ‘celebrate’ this… you know who you are, I will not call you out. Looks like this one was dreamed up by a promo company, go fig. Talk about a ‘Hallmark Holiday’.

National Ethics Awareness Month (March) Note: not observed on Wall Street (oops, so sorry to my finance friends, cheap shot but you can take it)

Optimism Month (oddly the same as Ethics month in March) Pessimists need not celebrate.

But, by far the best thing I stumbled upon today was…

Rabbit Awareness Week (April 22 – May 2nd) “…because rabbits get a RAW deal”. Get it RAW… Rabbit Awareness Week. Hey, if I have to explain this to you forget it, ok? Believe it or not this is a week and a website (nicely designed BTW) dedicated to fighting what I consider to be one of the great tragedies of our time…

Rabbit Obesity.

Seriously, I have nothing more to say after that.

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Filed under absurdities, humor, marketing

Time to Cry Tuesday – philosophy(.com)

philosphy. Ok this product line had me at hello. Or should I say they had me at birthday girl. Here is a line of cosmetics that has ME written all over it. A lover of fine design and deep thoughts with a side of nostalgia and well… Philosphy; I am slain by this company.

Forget about the fact that the actual products are fabulous, the positioning of this brand has sold me even if it was dreck (which it is most certainly not) Their product names are all in lowercase (if you have ever received a social email from you that is how I write)

If I were asked to come up with a product line this would have been it. So needless to say I am a little bummed that I did not. Every item is named thoughtfully with a little story to tell and a lesson to learn:

amazing grace: “life is a classroom. we are both student and teacher. each day is a test…”

soul owner: “let’s review your only true assets. you own your values, your integrity, your thoughts, your words, your actions and therefore your destiny…”

Hey, these are some pretty heady thoughts for a shower gel and an exfoliating foot cream.

A big thank you to Dr. Judy for buying me this gift. I will leave you with what is written on the outside of the birthday girl kit; something i read at my birthday dinner and choked us all up a bit. Hey, you know how a table of menopausal women can get.

“philosophy: be grateful to have been given one more day, let alone one more year. remember to dance in your nightgown, sing in the shower, ride a bike, fly a kite and take an occasional “wind bath” in your bare skin. give those you love big kisses, huge hugs, and the words “i love you” often and always. nurture your body rather than starve your soul with fad dieting (this one was my fave!) spend time with the old and the weary to better appreciate your life. on your birthday, call your mother and father wherever they are to thank them for all that they have done for you, even if you think they haven’t done enough. watch the movie “life is beautiful” at least once a year. remember that you are not guaranteed tomorrow and that today is as good as it gets. thank G-d for every “thing,” every “day,” every moment.”™

Of course the ™ at the end did ruin it a bit, but hey, you have to protect the intellectual property.

So, to the makers of philosophy, you rock. And get yourself on OpenSky soon, you are a perfect fit.

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Filed under companies, holidays, product reviews, products, Time to Cry Tuesdays

The Colonoscopy: A recap in 3 acts

Act One: Scheduling the appointment

Me: Hello, I would like to schedule an appointment for my colonoscopy.

Receptionist: Oh, we have an opening on the 28th at noon.

Me: (thinking ‘an opening’ was a poor choice of words) I will take it.

Understanding that this was the Friday of a holiday weekend I figured it would be a good day to take off, and I jumped at the idea of the weight loss.

Yes I am extremely shallow.

Act Two: The pre-prep (I will spare you the actual prep because I am classier than that)

Me: What flavor Gatorade should I mix the Miralax with?

Danny: Yellow

Gary: Yellow

Jana: Yellow

I bought grape.

Oh, and yellow – I am not an idiot! I did the taste test and under the advisement of Jana’s boyfriend decided on yellow because he said I would get sick of the grape after the second glass.

Jana: OMG you are mixing that ENTIRE bottle of Miralax* into that Gatorade, that is like a month’s worth!

Me: Yeh, I know. I thought that is why you were going to stay at Corey’s house for the night.

You will be happy to know that after I fasted for 24 hours and had been starving for a day Gary came home and made himself probably the most delicious smelling omelette ever made on the face of this earth.

I asked him why he didn’t bake a chocolate cake right after that too.

* I would like to mention that on the side of the Miralax package it states that your stool may become soft and runny… um is that not the point of a laxative?

Act Three: Phone call with a friend after the colonoscopy was finished

Friend: How are you feeling?

Me: Not bad, actually. It was just like any other Friday at work except this time I was sedated before I got reamed up the ass.

Friend: I guess I should tell you my daughter is in the car and I am on speakerphone (note: daughter is in college)

Me: Well, now is as good a time as any for her to hear about the real world.

Daughter: Thanks Amy, I really appreciate that.

 

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, health, humor

What kind of free offer is this?!

free-offerThis one is priceless. In my mail, addressed to Mr. & Mrs. Amy E. My Maiden Name (Gary just loves this!), would be this lovely promo.

And who, you might ask, has sent me this charming offer?

Pine-friggin-lawn Memorial Park and Garden Mausoleums. Um, park and gardens? Correct me if I am wrong but I see dead people!

The scary part is that we already own real estate here, thank you very much. And I am trying my best to stay the hell out of there for as long as possible.

What was the free offer for? A Let’s Face it Now booklet that answers all those ‘questions’. Like these (with commentary of course):

Do you need a will? (do you really need to ask this question?)

What does survivor do with will? (nice grammer – contest it, of course, that is what makes for a good family fight)

How about lawyers’ fees? (right off the bat I will say they are too high)

What 6 phone calls must be made? (1. liquor store, 2. liquor store, 3. liquor store, 4. liquor store, 5. liquor store, 6. dry cleaners – they always have the black dress)

How do you claim benefit payments? (call the high priced lawyer)

How do you arrange for family memorial property? (I am sorry here, but don’t we call these graves?)

cemetary

Keep in mind I do this kind of stuff for a living. I can only imagine what the meetings for this piece were like. Check out this picture. Can you imagine art directing this shoot? Cuh-ree-py!

I thought receiving the AARP card 3 times before I turn 50 was bad enough, but now this!

Sheesh! And a happy holiday to these guys too. Thanks Pinelawn Memorial Park and whatever, I will pass.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, fashion, health, humor, places of interest