Category Archives: conversations

Naturally, blame the mucus

Have you seen the Advil Congestion Relief commercial yet?

Woman is in bed with a terrible cold. Man with a t-shirt that reads MUCUS sits down on the bed.

00:01:02 It’s your fault.
00:01:04 Naturally, blame the mucus.
00:01:06 Well, I can’t breathe.
00:01:07 Did you try blowing your nose? of course.
00:01:09 [ Both ] AND NOTHING CAME OUT.
00:01:11 Instead of blaming me, try new advil congestion relief.

Can anyone explain why that makes me laugh so much? Yeh, I know, bodily function infantile behavior. So? C’mon, admit that you think it is funny too. I mean, can you imagine the creative team sitting in a conference room late at night before the client pitch? They’re all hopped up on caffeine and sugar and they have rejected at least a dozen ideas. Then someone stands up and shouts:

How ’bout we dress someone in a MUCUS t-shirt and use the line “naturally, blame the mucus”

Brilliance in advertising? Maybe not, but it certainly sticks.

26 Comments

Filed under absurdities, conversations, health, humor

Menopause or Malaria?

Ok, here’s the thing. As my 50th year draws to a close I had this expectation that the night sweats would take a hike with the Big 5-0. But the other night I woke up pretty sure that I was suffering from some rare disease spawning the fever from hell.

Me: I think I might have Malaria.

Gary: Pretty sure you don’t.

Me: West Nile Virus?

Gary: Nope.

What the hell does he know. I thought of going to the doctor. Imagine this conversation if I did go:

Me: I think I have Malaria.

Doc: Really? Have you traveled lately?

Me: Madison, WI

Doc: I meant someplace more third-world or jungle-like. Someplace exotic.

Me: Have you ever been to Madison, it is pretty exotic.

Figuring that if I did go and we had a this conversation, now would be about the time he would throw me the hell out of his office.

So I suppose I probably don’t have Malaria. Or the sinus infection I was sure was brewing. And the fire-starter hot flashes that start in the small of my back and spread through me like a Colorado wildfire are just something I am going to have to live with just a little bit longer.

Either that or maybe I can find someone that I can convince of my Malaria status.

1 Comment

Filed under absurdities, conversations, humor

Schedules

You know those people who give you their schedules? This can happen in a volunteer setting or at work. Sometimes even for social plans. You ask them if they can help and the next thing you know you are listening to a droning list of kid’s activities, doc appts, hair, nails, work, family functions, yadayadayada.

Seriously folks. As if my to-do list is not boring enough I need to listen to someone else’s proctology appointment into grocery shopping into board meeting into sugar magnolia (that last one is for you Deadheads out there)? Or worse get the details.

To say this is a pet peeve is an understatement.

And then I realized that I was a schedule texter today. A friend asked where I was and on and on my list went in four part harmony complete with meetings, dry cleaner and chicken soup. (yes chicken soup in 90 degree heat – Jana has a cold and I felt bad for her, if you must know).

So what does this make me? Yep, a schedule spouting  bee-otch. And worse, that text went out to the person who I usually commiserate with over the schedule people.

So, Karen, this one goes out to you and I owe you a drink for being the recipient of the dreaded schedule.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

7 Comments

Filed under conversations, friendship, humor

Best Blogher Pitch of the Day

For those who do not know what the hell Blogher is, this is a conference for women bloggers. Go ahead, make all the jokes you want but you can only imagine how happy I am to be here. I am out of the zip code and amongst ‘my people’.

And these really are my people, even the ones who are pitching us. I was walking through the exhibition hall with @wendyscherer when all of the sudden a tiny powerhouse of a little blonde came up to us and asked:

“Can I tell you everything there is to know about your vagina in 5 seconds.”

Hmmm, I don’t know, can you?

I mean, I don’t mean to be narcissistic here but I was hoping that my vagina was worthy of a little more than 5 seconds. Anyone? Gary, want to jump in here and comment on this one?

She certainly got our attention and when she followed that line up with, ” the vagina is a delicate eco-system” I was pretty sure I had the makings of my first Blogher blog post of the day. (yes, kids, there may be more than one). And, no, I did not think it was necessary to add a photo to this post for those who were wondering. To quote my kids, “Ew Mom”.

Ok, I know what you are all thinking. Hundreds of women meet at these conferences to talk about their vaginas. Well, they do. But they also talk about family. And work. And grief, And politics. And fashion. And current events. And products. And marketing. And social good…

Are you getting the picture. This is a houseful of power. The women who drive not only buying power that brands so desperately seek, but the support and devotion that women give naturally to each other.

This is a very special place indeed.

Oh, and yeh, I am sure there are some pretty special vaginas here as well. (btw, did you know that the optimum pH for a vagina is 4.5? yeh, did not think you did)

Oh, and a plug for the little blonde whose name I did not get (sorry). She worked for lil’ drugstore and was selling all sorts of stuff to keep that hey-nanny-nanny in pH balance.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

5 Comments

Filed under companies, conversations, health, humor, Uncategorized

Ants Marching

Scene: my kitchen counter.

On the phone: the ever-famous Dr. Jimmy

Me: Oh man, my kitchen is literally ant infested. There must be hundreds of ants crawling all over my kitchen counter.

Dr. Jimmy: Ants marching? It goes with the whole Dave Matthews thing for you this week, you should like that.

Gotta love Dr. J, he can always put a happy little spin on a bad situation.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

3 Comments

Filed under conversations, dr. jimmy, homeowner

You never know what you’ll find in your dishwasher

Certainly when your college kid is living home for the summer.

Tucked in snugly between the cereal bowls and the water glasses on the top rack of my dishwasher, this jewish mother found…

the ever popular I heart Jesus shot glass. Thinking that it most likely did not belong to my husband, who not only does not drink but I am pretty sure does not heart Jesus either.

So I texted my sweet daughter:

Ummmmm…. I heart Jesus?!!!

And of course the answer was:

hahahaha. I will be home soon.

It appears this was a ‘gift’ from a friend. No disrespect to my Christian friends here, I think that there was simply something very funny about giving this to an obviously Jewish girl.

I am thinking of getting her an I heart Buddha shot glass for Hannukah, what do you think?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

2 Comments

Filed under absurdities, college, conversations, humor, Jana

Mother Daughter IM

Sometimes the only communication I have with my kids is virtual. It’s ok; any connection is fine by me and sometimes you can simply jump into each other’s day and ease the pain a little. The following is part of a chat with my daughter who, as part of her internship duties, had to be the receptionist for two days in a row. This came in at about 4:45 PM just as most of the office was getting ready to vamoose. (note we both have our dog as our icons… scary) I am in the blue in case you could not guess.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

7 Comments

Filed under conversations, humor, Jana, social media

Congrats are in order

Like This!

Today was the big pre-college Bed Bath and Beyond shop. I believe this is branded as Pack and Hold, or Equip Your Space, or spend as much money you can on crap that you will throw out in May when you move out of the dorms (which was the tagline that got killed I am sure).

For those who have not done this yet, if your kid goes to school out of town, they give you a price scanner and you pick out all the stuff you need. Then they contact the store in the town where the college is, check the inventory and pack you up for storage in their ‘pods’ till you get there. Saves a lot of aggravation and shipping costs.

Apparently the same scanner is used for bridal registry. (admit you were all getting worried about the illustration looming up there at the top of this post)

Jana came with us to boss her brother around help her brother pick what he needs for the dorms. As I was trying to force the pop up laundry basket back into the package it exploded out of examining the pop-up laundry baskets, an employee passed by:

Employee: Congratulations (I thought this was a sarcastic remark about my struggle with the laundry device from hell).

Jana: For what?

Employee: Aren’t you two newly engaged?

Awkward silence.

Then awkward hysteria.

This guy thought my kids were a couple about to be married!

I am sure this is illegal in NY State.

If only we did not have to go back and ask the guy where the duvet clips were. (don’t even ask what a duvet clip is).

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

2 Comments

Filed under college, conversations, danny, education, humor, Jana

Friend of the Devil

That would be me, I suppose.

Yesterday as I was obsessing over perusing my blog stats it came to my attention that I had just posted my 666th post. How interesting that the title was ‘Got Balls?’ Seems if I were to have a mission statement or a tagline it might run along those lines.

My facebook status currently reads: Wow, just checked my blog stats and I just posted my 666th post. I am feeling a bit devilish…

At which point the comments included me being a Friend of the Devil and The Devil with the Blue Dress On as well as some reference to Route 66 which was a stretch but the sentiment was there. This should give you and idea of the age of my readers. (Feel free to comment on my selection of the renditions of each of these songs in the links above, but these are my faves)

Nonetheless, it is the nuances in life that keep me entertained. And I try my best to pay attention to the little things, because as we all know…

the devil is in the details.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

3 Comments

Filed under blogging, conversations, facebook, humor, humor, rock 'n roll

May is Zombie Awareness Month

Really?

Really. I know, where do I find this stuff?

I think I probably first saw this on twitter but I did a little research and came across, what else, the Zombie Research Society website (no joke). I love their tagline:

What you don’t know can eat you.® (yes this is a registered trademark)

It would appear that May is the month when some of the most famous zombie movies take place (think Night of the Living Dead series), so this is the most likely month for zombie awareness (um, ok).

Here are the Society’s three foundational principles (with my commentary):

  1. A zombie is a biologically definable, animated being occupying a human corpse. (my sister-in-law told me she knows a few people that fit that description – yikes!)
  2. The zombie pandemic is coming. It’s not a matter of if, but a matter of when (this sounds pretty definitive to me – I am leaning towards being concerned).
  3. Enthusiastic debate about zombies is essential to the survival of the human race (sorry, I find this one to be a bit of a stretch – you?)

If you are interested you can buy their merch here. I am thinking the t-shirt might make a nice father’s day present for my husband.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

4 Comments

Filed under absurdities, conversations, current events, humor, magnet for the absurd, twitter