Category Archives: absurdities

November 1, 2008 · 8:24 pm

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (vol. 2)

I have written about this topic before. You can read it here.

I have always been fascinated by the different way men and women perceive things. This morning I woke up agitated from a disturbing dream. Oddly enough, so did Gary. I assume these trying times are getting to both of us.

He has often placed a request for me not to share my dreams (they scare him). Today I did not give him a chance to reject the story, he was still half asleep and emerging from his own bad dream.

Mine? He was forcing me to move to Florida and we were driving down with all our stuff. Then we were in this awful cookie cutter house with all these boxes and strange people we did not know. He was telling me that he was going to change his career, sell windows and I was a bitch for not supporting him. I was sobbing uncontrollably saying that I hate Florida (sorry Floridians, I like to visit).

His? Oh his dream was that 25% of the earth split off and was careening into space. Alrighty then, a science fiction dream.

I laughed and said this would make a perfect blog post.

Gary: You can’t do that, people will think you are crazy.

Me: Wait, you had a dream about a quarter of the earth splitting off and careening through space and you think people will consider me crazy for dreaming about a forced move to Florida?

And there you have it.

Later he said that he was on one piece of the earth and I was on the other. All I could think of was that the only way his subconscious could figure out how to get rid of me was by destroying the planet.

Kinda scary if you ask me. Note to self: sleep with one eye open.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms where they are celebrating their 1 year blogaversary. And at 50-Something Moms Blog… Poor is the New Rich and There is no Hair in Team .

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 31, 2008 · 12:50 am

Halloween (vol. 6) –RIP

Here we are. Halloween at last! As I sit here crafting the last post of this crazy themed week, I see that my daughter has started the Mad-town Wisconsin tradition of 3 nights of spooky celebrations. Her away message reads, “halloween part 1”.

Yes, of course I am jealous. I mean, here I am just finishing up the day’s work at some ongodly hour and there she is… ok let’s not go there.

This picture was taken in front of a neighbor’s house. I simply love those little hands. This neighborhood goes all out for Halloween. The decorations are wild. Some are kind of kitsch and subtle like this one and others feel the need to put a huge inflatable spider on their roofs. Or worse, those blow up snowglobe monstrosities (no pun intended) on the front lawn.

When my kids were little I used to go the scarecrow, bale of hay, cornstalk, pumpkin, mums route. I liked the traditional look. If I had only known about tampon ghosts, I would surely have added those. Funny, but I don’t remember doing all this Halloween decorating as a kid. We had a pumpkin. if we were lucky we carved it and we called it a day.

My strongest Halloween memory was when some kids stole my pumpkin, ran down the street and smashed it. The lore is that my dad ran after them and made them eat it. Dad, did I make up this memory or did this happen? Hey, go with it, it makes you the hero, why not?

Happy Halloween all! Don’t forget to eat some pizza after you steal your kids candy go trick or treating.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms where they are celebrating their 1 year blogaversary. And at 50-Something Moms Blog… Poor is the New Rich and There is no Hair in Team .

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 29, 2008 · 10:13 pm

Halloween (vol. 5) – Prison Jumpsuit


Ladies and gentleman, here is the third costume featured this week. Again, for those who have missed my week of halloween, scroll down and visit the last few posts. I promise you will not be bored.

So here we are, taking a look at yet another absurd costume choice: The Prison Jumpsuit. I particularly like the styling on this package. Who would have thought of the hands up stance? So creative.

Now there is only one truly disturbing thing about this. Yes, I bet you saw it too. The sizes. Teen. Adult Large. Adult Plus.

Hmmm… Teen is checked here. I am sure, like me, you know a teen or two out there that is probably destined to wear this outfit in the not-so-distant future.

But, honestly, is it wise to encourage this with role playing?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms where they are celebrating their 1 year blogaversary. And at 50-Something Moms Blog… Poor is the New Rich and Sarah Palin Condoms .

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 28, 2008 · 9:56 pm

Halloween (vol. 4) – Restraint Costume

restraint mask and costume

Here we are, back to the ridiculous costumes theme. If you missed the last one you can see it here.

Where do I start with this one? Let’s see, why not go straight to the small print.

Costume includes:

Straight jacket with tie-back (wow, that is some beginning)

Open end sleeves for free hand movement (ok, practical so you can still eat and drink. and um, trick or treat if perhaps you are a pedophile)

Pajama pants (alrighty then, you should certainly be comfortable)

I like that it is ‘one size fits most’. Most what?

Ahhh, now this one simply freaks me out in a Silence of the Lambs sort of way …

muzzle mask with adjustable elastic bands (yeh, right. this would be something a healthy person would want to slap on for the big Halloween bash. Honey, your date is here. He looks kind of cute but I can’t tell because he is wearing a MUZZLE MASK – are you sure you want to go out with this guy?).

But of course my number one favorite part about this costume is that it is an ‘Adult Costume’.

Seriously, anyone out there considering running out to purchase this sucker for their kids? Mom bloggers, help me out here. You in or you out on this baby?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms where they are celebrating their 1 year blogaversary. And at 50-Something Moms Blog… Poor is the New Rich and Sarah Palin Condoms show up here as well.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 19, 2008 · 9:20 pm

Living la vida lunchbox

Oh, my. Kind of creepy, right? I had to take a picture of this! Sadly, poor old Ricky M. was on the discount shelf at the art supply store. Who would have thought the artist with the 1999 song that topped the charts would end up here?

I got a particular charge out of this as that song was the theme of my 40th birthday dinner with the First Thursdays.

I guess every lunchbox has its day.

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October 14, 2008 · 11:49 pm

Campaign Voodoo-Op?


In celebration of the last presidential debate taking place just minutes away from where I live I thought I would bring this wonderful find to your attention.

Dover Publications has jumped on the election bandwagon with these campaign edition paper dolls. (fyi, if you are reading this on a blackberry you MUST find a computer to see this picture!)

I don’t think I can resist the buy. They are ‘collectibles’ for G-d sake. Somewhere down the line I know I will be so sorry if I don’t own these. Kind of like when I had to go back into the store to buy the Albert Einstein action figure last week. Hey, where did I put that? Isn’t it time I start posing him in odd places?

Take a look at the art on both of these. Obama has that suave debonair look of a 1960s James Bond. McCain? Well he has no neck for starters. Or maybe it is just that his head is not on right. (cheap shot, I know).

What struck me was their hands. The gestures are actually quite true to life.

The best part of all? These come with election night scorecards! THAT is truly fabulous.

Maybe I should buy these for Jana to celebrate her first election!

Go ahead, order them, they are only $7.99 each!

Now everyone get ready for the debate and don’t forget to drink on maverick.

I am very excited to be posting at 50-something mom blogs today. Don’t miss my tattoo thoughts.

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October 9, 2008 · 10:03 pm

EVERYONE loves a girl fight (vol. 2)

For those who have not read EVERYONE loves a girl fight (vol. 1) you can read it here.

I am sure there were similar conversations at Yom Kippur Break Fast tables throughout the Jewish community nationwide this evening. Wait, probably not. Our family is… well let me put it this way, you are never quite sure what will be said at our table.

Brother-in law 1: HS was much rougher when we went. There were fights and greasers.

Danny: Well, there are some fights but when it is guys it gets broken up pretty fast in fear of someone really getting hurt badly.

Me: Ok, I see what you are driving at…

Gary: Yeh, EVERYONE loves a girl fight.

Danny: Oh, I forgot to tell you! I missed a girl fight the other day but when we passed by where it happened there was hair on the sidewalk!

Me: Oh, jeez, here we go again. (note to self: de-program son from neanderthal behavior)

Brother-in-law 1: Of course everyone loves a girl fight. The best part is when their boobs pop out.

Me: I give up! But this will make a great blog post!

Brother-in-law 2: Oh, and don’t forget how we hope they kiss and make up at the end.

Me: what could be better for a guy, a girl fight and then girl on girl!

And this my friends, is why you can never really tell what will be said at a family gathering.

To all my menopausal readers, do me a favor please visit my BBFF at Flashfree and take her menopause poll. 

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October 5, 2008 · 11:32 pm

Stocking Follow-up

What is that disgusting mess in my sink, you ask? Well, those my friends, are the uncool and untextured stockings that I wore yesterday.

Um, Amy? Did you perhaps crap in these stockings, you ask? (sorry, I can be so infantile sometimes).

No my friends, this is what happens when you hand wash a pair of Donna Karan pantyhose in cold water. Are you kidding me?! This is how an overpriced pair of $18 stockings wash? (I know Mom, you are appalled that I pay that price for a pair of pantyhose).

My mother reminded me yesterday how I used to rip a few pair of tights a week when I was a kid. She would say, “Oh Amy, those aren’t even paid for yet!” and I always feared she would be taken away by the cops because she had stolen my clothes. (not all that sharp on credit cards in those days). She also reminded me how I used to go back to the playground and look for the circle of the tights that had fallen out of the knee (again, had a little issue with space and form relationships in those early years too).

A few thoughts about the ripoff high-end Donna Karans. What? You thought I would not have commentary on this?

1. If I wear these in the rain will they double as self-tanners.

2. Worse, if it is a hot day and my legs sweat will there suddenly appear weird brown splotches beneath the surface? That could be embarrassing.

3. Should there not be a disclaimer on the package similar to For Leg Use Only?

Ok, enough airing of my dirty laundry, I am calling it a day!

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October 1, 2008 · 8:32 pm

Reborn dolls and women who mother them

Woah! This video really freaks me out! It is long but I could not pause it. Kind of like staring at the accident. The song choice makes it all the more disturbing. If you don’t get to the end, the best part is where we are sternly instructed not to search for ‘fake baby’ as the correct term is ‘reborn’. WTF!!

I searched YouTube for these ‘babies’ after seeing a scary little news story on the Today Show. You can see the story here.

Matt Lauer interviewed some frankly wacko rather interesting women Wednesday morning about these dolls called reborns. What the hell does that mean, reborn? EW! This interview was in anticipation of a BBC film called ‘My Fake Baby’ which is a documentary about these ‘babies’. (shame on you BBC, you did not use the right terminology, how ignorant!).

These dolls sell for thousands and are collected by women, some of whom dress them up and ‘care’ for them as if they were real. Yeh, this is real healthy. Touted as the perfect baby (um, wait, why is this ok?) one woman says that while she doesn’t have children this ‘satisfies a female instinct’ in her. Women find them therapeutic. Oh, I am thinking there is surely some therapy needed. This is way creepy, no? OK, so why do we not think these women need some serious help?

I particularly like the way you can pop their heads off, but hey, that’s me. Seriously, I never got to do this with my kids and I find that to be a nice feature, don’t you?

G-d bless the doll ‘artists’ who are making a fortune on these things. It got me to thinking that this could be a woman’s version of the sex doll. Seriously, they satisfy a need, right? No one gets hurt. Well maybe they do. I wonder about the woman in the interview who had a two-year-old at home. This woman left her real kid home to take her fake baby on TV, um yeh, we are real healthy. I worry about that kid getting the right kind of attention. While mommy is rocking plastic bro to sleep is real life toddler sticking her finger in a socket or something? (I know, I can be so judgmental sometimes).

My favorite line from the Lauer interview:

Matt: What do you do with an old baby when you get a new baby, put the old one on a shelf?

I am thinking if you did not have children there are many creatures that you can ‘satisfy your female instinct’ with. How about a cat? A puppy? Even a fish?

Then again, hard to dress up a fish.

Although there is something to be said about not needing to get a sitter.

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September 28, 2008 · 12:35 am

The hand dryer that can blow your mind

We were out to dinner tonight (it seems like I eat out a lot lately, doesn’t it?). I went to the bathroom and there, next to the sink was the most incredible thing.

The Dyson Airblade hand dryer.

You know that guy from the vacuum commercials who makes you think that he is always inventing a better way to suck stuff up and makes you feel really ignorant for having that stupid 10-year-old Miele when you have a dog that sheds?

Oops, off on another noise-in-my-head tangent, sorry about that. So this guy designed what has to be the most incredible hand dryer. You stick your hands in and it looks like it is going to rip the skin right off them. Of course the crazy friends that I was with decided we should try to take pictures of one of us putting our face in there to see if we could simulate the look of a face lift.

Unfortunately the space was too narrow and she could only insert her hands.

When we got back to the table the guys asked us what we were doing. Um, well there is this really cool dryer and, well, we thought it would be funny if…

never mind.

They seemed to know all about the dryer, so we asked if they had ever tried to put other body parts in there.

Hey, talk about a blow job.

(sorry Jana – I know – ‘ew mom!’)

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