Category Archives: absurdities

February 28, 2010 · 9:31 pm

The Perfect Husband

I know, you all saw that title and thought, “How sweet, she is going to praise the virtues of her sweet Gary of Hey Nanny Nanny and Janie Knight fame.” Well, of course he is the perfect husband, but this post is not about him.

For those who have been following along, my daughter Jana is doing a semester abroad. That is college-speak for I will tolerate a few hours a week of class so I can be in a different city (sometimes two) every weekend. This weekend found her in Amsterdam, with a side trip to Brussels. When she is traveling I usually wake up to a BBM (blackberry messenger message – it’s like a text for you non-crackberry heads). This morning I found this photo with no message. It was hard to read on my bberry so I had to email it to myself to see what it was.

If there was any doubt that I was genetically linked to this girl you will now understand that I would have to be her mother. Ahhh, the Inflatable Perfect Husband. This must be the 20-year-old version of the Grow Your Own Parents that I bought her in middle school when we were getting on her last nerve. I particularly like the french word for inflatable… gonflable. How do you pronounce that? Anyone? I took Spanish so it is lost on me but I love the way it looks.

I shudder to think what the Inflatable Perfect Wife has behind her back.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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February 24, 2010 · 10:36 pm

Sparkle where the sun don’t shine

Ok, it has been at least a week since I have posted something inappropriate about private parts, I would say it is time for another one, wouldn’t you?

Thanks to my dear friend Jessica Gottlieb, who never fails to disappoint me by pointing out the most outrageous postings on the interweb, I have been made aware of the latest in genital fashion.

Apparently the new craze is called Vajazzling. Yep, just what it sounds like folks. Bedazzling the Hey Nanny Nanny, if you will. Those crazy folks at Swarovski have found themselves a brand new market. Looks like this will be hot with all those rhinestone cowgirls out there. (slutty much? jeez) So let me get this straight, pubic hair is out, pubic jewels are in. Oh I get it. What the hell?!

It seems this all started when Jennifer Love Hewitt mentioned doing it on the George Lopez show.

For those who want an up close and personal look at this new art, crazy Bryce over at theluxuryspot.com went and had this done… with a photographer! You have to love this woman!

What next?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visitLeaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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February 17, 2010 · 7:40 pm

Honey, does this potato make my butt look fat?

No, folks, no Photoshop miracle here. This baby came right out of the bin at the supermarket we affectionately call Stinky Farms (for the way it used to smell when I was pregnant, before they renovated).

I always find it uncanny when I find body part vegetables. This is not the first time I have blogged about them. Who could forget my friend Katie’s rather impressive cucumber from fire island? (All the other vegetables were jealous Vol. 1) or the rather impressive horse radish during Passover (vol 2)? And then of course there is Gary’s hidden talent for peeling an orange into an ‘elephant’ (cough, cough, yeh right)

But this one? This one is almost freakish in its resemblance to a perfect little baby’s butt.

Yeh, I know, you all wish you could go food shopping with me.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, body image, carry a camera, gardening, gary, holidays, humor

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February 11, 2010 · 9:29 pm

Dr. Hey-Nanny-Nanny

File this under I am pretty sure my son will need therapy after being parented by the likes of us.

Dinner conversation:

Gary: Danny if I was an oby/gyn I would let you come in the delivery room.

Danny: Oh greeeeaaaat. (lots of eye rolling)

Me: That’s lovely. Would the tagline on your business card be ‘Hey Nanny Nanny is my bi-nuss’?

Gary: No, but Hey Nanny Nanny would definitely be my license plate.

(Judy, just a quick question, does anyone in your practice refer to it as the Hey Nanny Nanny? And if yes, do they have it on their license plate?)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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February 9, 2010 · 6:56 pm

Sleep Apnea and You

Ahh, those fabulous facebook targeted ads. Does anyone else pay attention to these? One of my concerns of late is that I get more absurd ads than anyone else. Am I paranoid, or am I truly the Magnet For the Absurd (MFTA)?

This beauty came across my page the other night:

What the hell? What is a CPAP mask and is anyone else horrified at the idea of sleeping next to someone wearing one of these things? And, oh wise algorithm of facebook…why me? I wonder, is there a huge population of women my age on facebook that suffer from sleep apnea. Or is this just an ad that rotates through the entire facebook community in hopes that they will find those who do suffer. I had to do myself a little research on this (big surprise) and found this horrifying article that states the following:

New research from South Korea indicates that people who suffer from severe obstructive sleep apnea (OSA) have reduced concentrations of gray matter in multiple areas of the brain.

Gray matter refers to the brain’s cerebral cortex, where most of the analyzing processes take place. The changes in brain structure maybe the cause of heart and memory problems—which are both common in individuals with OSA.

Oh crap, is my lack of gray matter showing! Honey does this reduced gray matter make my ass look fat?

I digress, back to facebook ads. I can understand some of the others that show up on my page. You know the ones that target everything towards 50-year-olds just to remind me how old I am in case I maybe forgot for a moment or two in between the days when AARP has sent me membership cards – I have received 7 to date, no lie. I have seen the Buy Uggs at 50 ad with the pink Uggs that no one on earth would be caught dead in. Figuring this ad was done by some 20-something who thinks her mom’s friends are lame enough to buy them. Or the hey 50-year-old we need you to test out the i-pad, maybe because the i-adultdiaper is not quite out of beta yet! Yeesh!

Wait, what was this post about again? (uh oh, must be the gray matter thing)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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February 4, 2010 · 9:59 pm

An unfortunate choice of typography

Break fart at Brennan’s?

Well with all the hollandaise sauce that would probably be likely.

Is it me, or does that ‘s’ look like and ‘r’?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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February 3, 2010 · 6:21 pm

Unfake it

We all get them. These stupid spam emails that come from all sorts of ridiculous sender names. They have silly subject lines and almost all of them lead to a canadian pharmacy website peddling erectile dysfunction drugs. I always wonder why I get these emails. Am I targeted for being the type of woman whose penis envy is suffering from erectile dysfunction?

I found today’s email particularly entertaining. Let me break this one down.

Senders Name: Summer Flumerfelt. Now there is a porn star name if I ever heard one. Seriously, when did your flumer last get felt properly? Season or month first names always seem so fitting for porn stars.

Subject: You would, would you? Hmmm, cryptic, no? Definitive yet questioning. Or maybe this makes no sense at all but keeps us guessing that maybe we just are not sophisticated enough to get it. I love the two ‘woulds’ flanked by the two ‘yous’. Is anyone else out there as fascinated by sentence construction as I am? Did the writer even get that they were doing that? Do I have too much time on my hands today? (that last one was rhetorical)

Message: Treat-libido-problems-^efficently.. I guess the hypens between the words are an indication that this is some auto-generated messaging. Not sure about the other senseless punctuation but the message made me laugh. I can see wanting to treat a rash or dandruff efficiently, but libido? I would prefer treating that a notch or two above efficiently.

url link: http://unfake.it/smJO I almost missed the message in the middle of this one:

Unfake it.

I think that needs to be added to my t-shirt line!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, humor, magnet for the absurd, search engine terms

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January 28, 2010 · 6:18 pm

Bread Gloves

This one had me laughing for quite awhile. I LOVE the unleavened option; nice sensitivity to the tribe.

Look at this guys face, he could almost be described as ecstatic. How many shots do you think they had to do before they got this one. Or wait, are those mits photoshopped in?

I can’t wait till they come out with the muffin slippers.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 24, 2010 · 8:57 pm

Psychic Dinner

I kid you not. This was a little promo that was sitting at the front desk of a place where we ate last night. Don’t you sort of want to go to the Psychic Dinner? When you sit down at the table do they already know what you want to eat?

We were told by our waitress that the readings were ‘public’ and that there was no guarantee that everyone would get a reading. Well that sounds inviting. “Mr. Jones, your wife is going to leave you for your best friend and you will lose your house in the next year. Oh yeh, and your dog will get hit by a car.” What the hell is poor Mr. Jones to do with that info in front of a $65 dollar a head fabulous buffet dinner crowd (with soda, coffee and dessert)?

Seems these dinners are rather popular as the waitress also told us that she thought is was sold out. On a Monday night!

I particularly like the fact that the psychic only has a first name.

Anyone interested in signing up for next month with me?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 22, 2010 · 7:45 pm

Elvis Chihuahua?

Once again I signed on to facebook to be faced with an ad that left me dumbstruck. First, where did this image come from? Hey Bob, how ’bout we use that Elvis chihuahua image for the mortgage refi ad? Only in NY though. I am not sure of how the midwestern folks will relate. WTF?!

There is no way the images for these FB ads are chosen by human beings. There has to be some random flawed algorithm at play here. These are like the hairy guy ads I wrote about awhile back. I am also left wondering what would drive someone to do this illustration. You know, wake up one morning, stare at the blank sheet of paper and think, hey maybe I will put some elvis hair on a rat dog today. Sounds like something my old friend Ed W. would do. Wait! Ed, did you draw this? Or maybe this is your dog. I can see you having a dog like this.

You have to admit that these ads do get attention. And hey, I might refinance with a Bob Dylan pekinese if I could get 4.2%!

And don’t you just wonder why these ridiculous ads keep popping up on MY facebook page? Hmmm, could it be the MFTA tag?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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