Category Archives: absurdities

April 25, 2010 · 9:54 pm

I heart my WHAT gum?

This one gets the MFTA tag because I was waiting on line to pay at a store today and was called over to the cashier on the completely opposite side of the counter from where I was standing. Why? Because in the ‘impulse buy’ rack at that counter would be the very last pack of…

I heart my penis gum. It was fate!

Yep, kiddies, this little package is the real deal. It contains ‘8 pieces of artificially flavored fruit chewing gum’ (why fruit?)

I told the cashier that I would have bought 10 packs if they had them and she told me they can’t keep this stocked. Seriously, is there a guy you know that you COULDN’T by this for?

You know how they all feel about them. And then there are the guys that refer to their penises as ‘the little guy’ or ‘little ____ (fill in their name in the blank)‘, ‘or he’ as in ‘he wants ____ (again fill in the blank)‘ as if there is a separate brain sitting down there in their pants. (which I guess there is).

No, guys, this is not a penis bashing post, you have to admit there is truth in all this. And do you really think you would ever see ‘I love my Vagina’ gum for sale. I think not. Maybe Gary can market the ‘I love my Hey-Nanny-Nanny gum, though.

Ok, so perhaps most men would prefer us to give them the ‘I love your penis’ but somehow I don’t think it would be as big a seller.

This is equally as entertaining as the Sexlet gum I found in South Beach and the Does this gum make my ass look big gum that I received as a gift.

I guess you could say I am the Magnet for the Absurd Gum (MFTAG).


Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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April 22, 2010 · 10:16 pm

Soup Dog

I am pretty tired and suffering from a little bit of social media overload today so I thought in celebration of my girl Ginger coming back for another weekend visit tomorrow I would simply post a little vid of her eating chicken soup from a spoon the last time she was here for no other reason than every time I watch this I laugh till I cry (but I don’t have time).

Damn I love a good run on sentence, don’t you?

Enjoy!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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April 15, 2010 · 10:51 pm

A Big Florida Welcome

Yes, I am back in the Sunshine State, and I use that term loosely this season.

This is a billboard as you get out of the airport towards I95. Nothing like making the tourists feel at home as soon as they arrive.

Stay tuned for more stories.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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April 11, 2010 · 9:32 pm

1 in 499

Today I bring you a little story about the absurdity of the area in which I live. Some of you may know of it as the Gold Coast, made famous by the Nelson Demille book of the same name. Don’t be fooled, the entire area is not like this, there are plenty of normal neighborhoods and the community I live in was a great place to raise a family.

But!  Part of raising a family here is to keep them grounded in the midst of some crazy money. Silly money really. Silly money sitting next to regular families like ours. My friend Twentyfour at Heart writes about the LA version of this life and she refers to it as moneytown. Well, 24, you will love this story!

Enter the story of the red Ferraris. We were in a shopping center nearby – buying sneakers of all glamorous things – and we ran into some friends we have not seen in a long time. We started to chat in the parking lot when we saw a red Ferrari F430 16M Scuderia Spider parked with the license plate 1 in 499 (yes, I am miserable that I did not get a shot of that). Wow, a little research tells me that sucker sells for around $220,000 and in fact only 499 of them were produced.

Yeh, that’s not nuts. I mean, shouldn’t it come with 3 bedrooms and some major appliances for that price? Ok, so wow. This guy is really loaded. Or he is in a lot of debt. Or he wants us to think he has a really big dick (most likely).

So, we chat,chat, chat a bit more and then my friend says, “Oh boy, Mr. 1 in 499 is going to be really pissed off, here comes another car just like his.” Yep, that’s right. There we were in a parking lot with not one but TWO of these cars. As we wondered where the other 497 of them were residing you would never believe this but a THIRD one drove into the lot.

Ok, that is just crazy. Funny money. There we were in the midst of $660,000 worth of red Ferraris revving their engines trying to get their 3 dicks to be as big as they were when they left their driveways that morning.

And you know what? I was still just happy to have a new pair of kicks.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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April 8, 2010 · 9:33 pm

Spotted What? (you may want to see a doc)

Once again, a happy reader sent me a photo I could not resist. That makes 3 in the last week. Hmmm, I think this trend is catching on. If there were ever a mission statement for this blog it would be: Carry a camera and notice the amusing things around you in everyday life. Except if it were a mission statement it would be a ridiculously long run-on sentence that would have been belabored around a conference table for months on end (yes I have sat in meetings like that and am having a big kill me now flashback thinking about it).

Gary calls my readers my private blog satanic worshipper friends (nice, huh?). Well, this one I can vouch for because I actually used to walk to elementary school with her and recently reconnected. So, thanks Fran, love that you thought of me in the Wegmans in Ithaca.

On to the post. This, my friends, would be a 10oz can of some tantilizing Spotted Dick. Yeh, I know, sometimes you just wake up in the morning and think, ‘what the hell am I going to do to satiate this mad craving for some Spotted Dick.’ Or maybe you wake up and say, ‘Damn, I better get some cream for this Spotted Dick’ if you are a man. And if you are a woman you would be saying, ‘Was I really that drunk or did that guy have a Spotted Dick? I better see a doctor!’

Ok, now that I have gotten that infantile behavior out of the way, let me share with you all what canned Spotted Dick actually is when you find it in Wegmans in Ithaca in the UK aisle. The UK aisle? What the hell? Do you have one of those in your supermarket? Ok, well according to Wikipedia (what did we do before the Wiki?) Spotted Dick is not actual a polka dotted penis at all. Nope, as the can says, it is ‘sponge pudding’ with currents or other dried fruit (being the spotted part) and the word dick being a contraction or slang of sorts for  ‘pudding’ (huh?) or ‘thick’ (makes more sense) because the pudding is thickened.

Yeh. K. I get it. And I am sure my friends who are in the UK like Janet from Facebook think I am a pathetic dweeby American but really folks, you have to admit you are all thinking you might need a can or two of this on your shelf just for the laughs when you go into the cabinet. It would make a lovely addition to any gift basket as well. Just giving you some ideas for how to bring a little Spotted Dick into your life. Think of me as the Martha Stewart for the Absurd (Neal that would be the MSFTA).

I like to stay consistent with the childlike behavior if you don’t mind.

Gotta go, have to spoon up some Spotted Dick for Gary when he gets home from tennis. We’ll see who has satanic worshipping friends…

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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April 6, 2010 · 5:09 pm

Yarmulkap. Or should it be the Yidlid?


This one comes to you from Rochelle, via her son. Thanks Ro. For those who keep asking, “Do people send you crazy stuff?” the answer would be a big fat yes. I am truly becoming the Magnet for the Absurd.

So, let’s take a look at this item. It is actually called the Yarmulkap but I am not thrilled with the name. It is one of those awkward contractions that doesn’t roll off the tongue. Now Yidlid, that has a real marketing twist, don’t you think?

This item is marketed as a combination Yamulka and a visor. For those not of the tribe the L is silent and for those really not of the tribe, this is the name for a skullcap for Jews, also known as a kippah.

Enough of the lesson in Jewish customs, I am a bit curious how the inventor of this sucker came up with this. What? A day in the park and he was wearing a baseball cap over his kippah and his head got hot? Check out this picture from the website. Love the Brooklyn Bridge. I mean, let’s face it, big concentration of observant Jews in Brooklyn, this shot could be very relatable for them, no?

Would you take a look at this for a moment and give some serious thought about how many of these will ever actually be sold? Let’s say that there are 6,489,000 in the US as of 2008 according to the US census bureau. I have to believe that there are a good chunk that don’t observe at all. Then you have Reform and Conservative, most of whom are not regular wearers of kippot (plural of kippah). Then you have to account for the kippah wearing population that will think that this item is completely RIDICUOUS because, well because it is.

So I am thinking a few hundred as gag gifts at best. What do you think?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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April 3, 2010 · 6:31 pm

Carrot Legs

Ok, I admit that I have an affection for suggestively shaped vegetables. And the odd thing is they seem to find their way to me often. Keeping with the theme of the butt potatoe, the phallic horse radish and the cucumber that was the envy of all the vegetables, this carrot (is it still singular if it has two legs but is attached at the top?) came out of the bag I bought this week. Imagine my excitement.

Imagine how dull my life is that I found this exciting.

Hey, it’s the little things in life that keep things interesting. That could explain the way Gary peels an orange.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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April 2, 2010 · 10:54 pm

Corkscrew Bill and The Hillary Nutcracker

Yeh, this one is really bad. Walking down the street in Delray Beach I came across these little beauties. The poor Clintons, they will never live this down.

My favorite parts? Oh that is easy.

Bill: Warning could create Pinot Envy. Oh I laughed all the way down the street on that one.

Hill: Stainless steel thighs. Really, what more can you say about that.

I would have bought these to add to my collection of stupid items but at 19.99 a piece I simply found them too pricey.

Hey, a girl has to set limits.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 27, 2010 · 10:21 pm

Florida Real Estate

Florida: Day 3

A constant source of entertainment here in South Florida are the names of the planned communities. Like the famous Del Boca Vista of Seinfeld, the naming conventions are quite comical.

Driving home from dinner with my aunt and uncle we passed a favorite: Villagio. Not to be confused with Bellagio. It seems they start to run out of names so they create hybrids. Which is a bit scary since everyone is sort of hard of hearing and could easily wind up in the wrong place.

Here you can also find Valencia Isles, Valencia Lakes, Valencia Pointe and Valencia Shores. My uncle told us that the fire department got fed up and asked them to change things up because it was becoming too confusing.

So they built Greystone.

It would appear that if you live in one of the Valencias chances are your house could burn down before they find you. Something to consider when looking at Greystone.

But our favorite community of all would have to be…

Journey’s End.

Seriously, why not just name the place G-d’s Waiting Room.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 25, 2010 · 10:08 pm

Transvestites, Loehmanns and the Plate Glass Window

For those who do not know, I am in Florida visiting my parents. Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentelman, I am in the the land of Del Boca Del Vista Del Mar Del… vodka please!

If you have never been to the east coast of Florida (west of 95) then think Seinfeld’s parents.

First, my mom made sure I took a sweater because ‘the restaurants down here are freezing’. Um, Mah, I am a menopausal women. Yeh, well, 85 in the restaurant, hands down.

Right about now you are wondering about the transvestites, right? Ok, so we met my Aunt Arlene Whose Not My Aunt and Bert who we never called Uncle Bert and he has finally gotten over being bummed out about that for dinner. (neither of them is a transvestite, hold on, I am getting to it). Growing up she was like my second mom. She and my mother have been best friends since they were girls and she is truly family. We have not seen eachother in a couple of years and tonight she did not disappoint.

Somehow we talked about how they used to take me to Loehmanns when I was little and how freaky the communal dressing room was with all those ladies of different shapes and sizes with the pantyhose and no underwear and the makeup nets on their faces. (I know, a visual to scar any young girl, may explain my severe aversion to pantyhose)

Next they started to talk about when they would go to the Bronx Loehmanns – the Long Island woman’s mecca of fashion bargains. This was a major trip, mind you. They would pack a lunch! They called it ‘doing battle’. Well, it seems Arlene took one such trip without my mom and wouldn’t you know as she came out of the elevator first she saw, “you know that actress that just lost all the weight on Jenny Craig”. “Oh”, I said, “Valerie Bertanelli”. Yes that was it. And right after she gave her a little high sign of a wave, who should come  off the elevator but…

a pack of transvestites.

“What?”, I asked.

“Oh, yes”, she said, ” they come for the ball gowns.”

Who knew?

Then she went on to tell me about a group of transvetites in Forida who would drive a car through the plateglass window of a high-end boutique in Delray to steal the fancy gowns. The woman moved her store and they found her again so she finally closed shop.

And who knew Arl was such an expert on transvestites.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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