Monthly Archives: June 2009

June 20, 2009 · 10:43 pm

Back in the Attic

Me: Gary, can you go into the attic and get Jana’s husband?

Gary: WHAT?!!

Me: That backrest pillow, they call it a husband. (no I do not have some guy up there waiting for the day when my daughter is ready to marry. We do not save anything with a heartbeat. At least not intentionally).

Gary: Oooh, the attic? (eyes glistening) Sure thing!

For those who read the last attic post you will remember we have a tendency to save EVERYTHING and that attic is a scary place. Gary now jumps at the chance to go up there and throw stuff down to get rid of. At least today I was not called a crazy old hag.

This week he found the box to the activity rocker. Yeh, it was from my kids. And here they are holding the box. What, 15 years is too long to save that? Do they even make these things anymore or have they deemed them unsafe and likely to cause brain damage like everything else my kids played with?

activity-rocker

I would also like to mention that he found an Apple llci up there. Yes, this baby was my first color mac. This sucker came with a whopping  80MB hard drive (note I said MB not GB) When did that come out, you ask? September 1989, 5 months after Jana was born!

Hey, at least I did not have her ‘husband’ up there for that long!

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On another note, would you be so kind as to vote for my blog buddy blondemomblog as the best local blog/nashville because she is really cool and I would love to see her win. Click here and vote.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 18, 2009 · 9:23 pm

My Golden Retriever is Smarter Than Your Honor Student

golden-retriever

This bumper sticker was on the car in front of me at the drive-through cash machine today. Nothing like a little sarcastic humor to lighten up another in a series of soggy days.

Danny did not find this as funny as I did. Actually, I think he thought the guy was an asshole, which he probably is. But it tickled my funny bone nonetheless.

We live in a community that is no stranger to offspring bragging. The honor student bumper stickers are the evolution of the baby on board signs. Those used to really drive me nuts. Ok, so you have a baby in your car! Does that mean if you didn’t it would be alright to rear-end you? 

I used to joke that I had the only two average kids in this district. The rest were either accelerated or remediated.

A note to those of you who feel compelled to put bumper stickers on your car announcing your kids’ brilliance. Other than their grandparents, I am pretty sure no one else cares.

To the guy with the golden retriever, your bumper sticker is hysterical, my lab is probably smarter than your dog and truthfully, having that on your car will make most people think you are an asshole. Funny, but an asshole.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 17, 2009 · 10:54 pm

She awoke and saw stars

star-tattoo-face

Here is an odd story. This ‘young housewife’, 18-year-old Kimberley Vlaeminck of Belgium, claims she asked for three little points on her forehead but the tattoo artist suggested three stars would be prettier.

Get this, she WENT TO SLEEP to avoid the pain. How the hell do you fall asleep while someone is tattooing your face?! Are they leaving out some details from this story – like narcotics maybe? I mean, we are not talking about removing a splinter, we are talking about injecting ink into your face!

She claims she awoke to 56 stars on her face; poorly rendered I might add. Nice look. As far as the tattoo artist is concerned, she was onboard with this until her dad caught wind of it and she pulled the nap story out of her hat. She is now suing the tattoo parlor.

I am reminded of my favorite line from Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert:

Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it’s what you want before you commit…

Hmm, I wonder if this chick is considering motherhood.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 16, 2009 · 8:15 pm

Camp Trunks

camp-trucking

Photo courtesy of Camp Trucking (some scary photoshop work there, wouldn’t you say?). Let’s hope this little plug helps to get our baggage moved with extra loving care.

Jana: Mom, seriously, you don’t need to nametape my underwear. (translation: hanky panky’s or the Gap knock-offs look equally silly with a nametape in them – keep your mitts off them)

Danny: Just let her do the nametaping. She can’t help herself this time of year. It is what she does. (this kid has always fully understood me)

Jana: Mom! We don’t send our stuff to the camp laundry as counselors. I will bring Danny’s into town and have them do it too. They charge like $8.00 for a week’s worth of laundry. (as an aside here I am thinking of driving my laundry up to the Adrondacks at that price)

Me: Danny, how do I nametape the reversible shorts?

Danny: MOM! Stop. You really have to let go of the nametaping thing. (ok, so maybe his patience is not as great as his understanding of me).

Me: Let’s go toiletry shopping. Remember how we always love to do this every year?

Danny: No, YOU love to do it. But you seem to forget that Jana and I did this without you last year because you had a deadline.

Me: All the more reason to do it all together this year.

I guess he is right. I am kind of pathetic around this time of year.

There are households in my zip code that start packing the trunks weeks before they go out. Us? They go out on Thursday.

We are thinking of doing it tomorrow night.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 15, 2009 · 10:38 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – Family Movie Night

family-movie-night

Countdown to the kids leaving for the summer. When they were younger this was the 10-day period when I was both anxious about them going and elated to have 7 1/2 weeks of adult time and freedom from schedules. (except for work, but doing only one job was like a vacation).

This is the eighth summer that they will both be away. People used to ask us, “what do you do all summer without your kids?” and our response would be, “whatever the hell we want!”

Now that they are older, the thrill of having all that time to ourselves is tempered with the fact that during the year we pretty much do whatever the hell we want! And truthfully, our first choice of social companions at this stage of our lives are the kids themselves.

At almost 17 and 20 they are truly fun to be with. They throw us a bone now and then and agree to hang out, especially if we are paying.

Last night was Family Movie Night (yes on a Monday!) Infants that we all are, we decided to go see The Hangover –  a fine example of good parenting, I might add.

Sitting in the movie theater, with the glow of the screen illuminating what are now the grown up faces of our offspring, I could not help but flashback to their little faces watching the insufferable kids’ movies we used to take them to. Invariably there was always a kid that puked in the next row.

This time the puking remained on screen.

I glanced at Gary and could read his mind. He gave me that misty-eyed Gary face that said: remember when they used to sit on our laps? Remember how his fuzzy little head felt under your chin? Remember how her hair smelled? How one of them ALWAYS had to go to the bathroom at the best part of the movie? When we were sitting in the middle of a row. Next to a very cranky family with a really big tub of popcorn.

Last night, the sound of their laughter, the feeling of being this family unit – one that we do not get to have often – THIS is what it is all about.

For real.

The news, the distractions, the daily grind; they all melt away at times like these when we realize what we have built. These small moments that could burst through the walls if they got any bigger. In a world where there are no answers, I have found mine right under my nose.

In my family.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 14, 2009 · 8:55 pm

If the hag fits, wear it!

attic

Let me preface this with the fact that I have lived in my house for 20 years this month and my attic is, well, let me say where we keep EVERYTHING! Skeletons, portraits – ok, those are not so subtle proverbial examples – but truthfully I have a playpen up there and my youngest is taking his road test this Friday.

When the central air conditioning guys come for maintenance I win the award for the scariest attic. “M’aam (I hate when they call me that) you have a lovely, well-kept home but your attic is a horror show.”

This weekend Gary went up to the attic and passed down the camp trunks and duffles to Danny. I stood at the bottom of the steps bossing them both around because that is what I do.

After the camp crap beloved camp items were dragged down to the living room, I heard Gary banging around in the attic. There could be nothing good about this. Let me explain that when Gary gets a burst of homeowner energy I know there will invariably be something else that catches his attention in the middle and the task will go unfinished. His intentions are honorable but his desire to close is simply not there. At this very moment I was rather annoyed that after 20 years of recklessly filling the attic with useless crap he chose 4 days before the camp trunks were being picked up to clean it.

Me: What are you doing up there?

Gary: Leave me the hell alone, you crazy old hag.

I am not sure why this struck us both so funny, but at the same moment we both started cracking up. And there was poor Danny, standing on the landing between us in a bewildered state.

Danny: I will never get the two of you.

Seriously, Gary was lucky I was in a good mood. That comment could have ended badly if I were in a hormonal rage.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 13, 2009 · 10:11 pm

To the Man at Starbucks Last Night

starbucksI am not quite sure if you were sticking around to hear our conversation because it was like staring at the accident, or if you were just paralyzed and were not sure when would be an opportune moment to get up and leave. Either way, I hope we entertained you.

The setting: suburban Starbucks after dinner on a Saturday night.

Attending: 2 couples of ‘a certain age’ if you will.

Topics of conversation:

1. Tattoos: mainstream or trashy. I argued for mainstream and pointed out that the perception of trashy was a generational one. (translation: you are an old hag, my friend).

2. Being Clean: and by this I am not referring to showering. The question arose whether all young men and women have chosen the route of no hair. This one crosses the age barrier. There has been a request for some research on the percentage of those who have chosen to go hairless, broken down by gender and age. Hmmm, I do know just the person to find this out. Are you biting?

3. Taking no hair one step further we discussed shaving vs. waxing vs. laser. Oh, and you will happy to know not only did the Mangroomer come up, I believe there might have been a request for one for Father’s day.

You know, just a typical suburban chat over coffee.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 12, 2009 · 10:47 pm

Marina Rules

Marina-rules

We had dinner tonight at a favorite place on the water that is situated by a marina. This sign is posted just as you leave the restaurant. Danny and I were reading it and found it rather humorous.

Disorder? Ok, that one is clear. But depredation an indecorous behavior. Seriously! Is this common boating lingo or was someone just trying to show off their vocab. Forget about their meanings, we worked pretty hard at figuring out the correct pronunciation.

For those who are curious:

depredation

Ok, this one really has that real pirate flavor to it. I love the idea of plundering right there in full view of a restaurant. And the related forms? “Hi, what do you do for a living?” “Who me? Oh, well you could call me a depredationist of sorts.”

indecorousDon’t you love the first definition? ‘Not decorous’. I hate that. Oooh, but violating generally accepted standards of good taste or propriety? Would running naked and drunk up and down the dock fall into that bucket?

It could be that Danny is in the throws of the SAT/ACT season but I find it hard to believe that some SAT-word-of-the-day show off did not write these rules.

Well, have to go. I am off to display some indecorous behavior upstairs. Enjoy the weekend!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 11, 2009 · 8:52 pm

Where’s Amy?

wheres-amy

Ok, because I always loved the Where’s Waldo series I have decided to start Where’s Amy here at I Could Cry. I will periodically post pictures where I am hidden somewhere in the image. Not unlike Al Hirschfeld‘s burying of his daughter’s name, Nina, in his illustrations; some will be easy and some will be damn needle in the haystackish.

This is the first one. Of course there will always be a little story associated with the image because, well frankly because I can’t shut the hell up.

This hot bike was parked in the lot at my son’s soccer game last weekend. I am pretty sure the guy that owned it parked it right there in the middle of the land of minivans and SUVs to give all the dads a little ‘ride’ envy as they passed it by. You could see each of the dads get that far away look in their eyes thinking about how they could just blow the whole family popstand and ride off into the sunset on one of these babies.

Ok, maybe so did the moms. But just for a minute.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 10, 2009 · 8:47 pm

What does that sign say?

3D-dance-flick-to-hell

I know, the words you CAN read are ‘3D DANCE FLICK TO HELL’. And if you are like my daughter you did not think twice about it because you know that the movies out right now are: Up in 3D, Dance Flick and Drag Me to Hell – a title, BTW, that makes me wonder why anyone would want to see that movie – but I am thinking some of my clients have taken it as a directive this week.

If you were me, well if you were me the noise in your head would be deafening and you would be shopping for a straight jacket. But I am used to it and I can function quite well on a daily basis, except for the insane urge to photograph every visual pun I stumble upon. I am surely going to get punched in the face one day, but I doubt I will be committed (for this anyway).

Now that the status of my sanity is out of the way, I would like you to squint at the picture above. specifically the second line starting with ‘dance’ and tell me how that reads for ya now. Seriously, think of the change in meaning now that the sentence reads ‘3D Dance F_ _K to Hell’.

What’s with the blanks, you ask? Look, I have a filthy mouth at home but I kind of feel that on this wholesome ‘mom’ blog of sorts I should draw some lines.

Of course that sentiment is rather inconsistent with the fact that last month the most popular search terms for this blog contained the word penis.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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