Category Archives: humor

September 14, 2010 · 11:10 pm

Menopause or Malaria?

Ok, here’s the thing. As my 50th year draws to a close I had this expectation that the night sweats would take a hike with the Big 5-0. But the other night I woke up pretty sure that I was suffering from some rare disease spawning the fever from hell.

Me: I think I might have Malaria.

Gary: Pretty sure you don’t.

Me: West Nile Virus?

Gary: Nope.

What the hell does he know. I thought of going to the doctor. Imagine this conversation if I did go:

Me: I think I have Malaria.

Doc: Really? Have you traveled lately?

Me: Madison, WI

Doc: I meant someplace more third-world or jungle-like. Someplace exotic.

Me: Have you ever been to Madison, it is pretty exotic.

Figuring that if I did go and we had a this conversation, now would be about the time he would throw me the hell out of his office.

So I suppose I probably don’t have Malaria. Or the sinus infection I was sure was brewing. And the fire-starter hot flashes that start in the small of my back and spread through me like a Colorado wildfire are just something I am going to have to live with just a little bit longer.

Either that or maybe I can find someone that I can convince of my Malaria status.

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August 26, 2010 · 12:03 am

Business bad? Buy a plane ticket.

There is a strange phenomenon that surrounds my business. I get insanely busy right before I am flying somewhere. This week was no different. It seems anyone who has ever even considered giving me work decided to call this week. And of course they were all rush jobs. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled to be busy. In fact, when things get slow I have thought about buying a plane ticket and consider it just the cost of doing business.

It always starts like this, “I have something I need. It’s easy.” Right off the bat, you should be scared when you hear that line. Let me translate, that means, ” It is really rush and I know you never say no and you will save my butt on this one and you know I really appreciate it.” Sometimes it also is a set-up for the, “I don’t have much of a budget” line. This week I got away without that one.

What I always say around midnight the day before I am flying out of here, ‘One woman’s time off is another woman’s hell.’ So a big thank you to Ivy for being the woman in hell this time. I hope today left you in decent shape. And if not, you know I am hopeless wired.

Off to move the boy into the dorms. If you hear about some insane NY mother in a Wisconsin Bed, Bath & Beyond being taken off in a straight jacket from big box store overload, muttering something about floor lamps or not taking shoe organizers seriously… that would be me.

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August 21, 2010 · 11:29 pm

Citi Field, some messed up tickets and the Odd Couple

Stay tuned for the full post on the most amazing Saturday night. We saw The Last Play at Shea, a must see film simultaneously chronicling the history of Shea Stadium, the Mets and Billy Joel‘s career. More about this on Tuesday.

Tonight’s post is about a moment. One that took place right in the middle of an annoying sequence of events that led us to the ticket office at Citi Field due to bad computer print-outs. We were waiting patiently for the sweet, but very slow moving woman behind the counter to give us new, scan-able tickets when another guy in front of us went into a scene that was too good to be true. It made me realize at that moment, THIS was the reason that our tickets were screwed up (not a printer in urgent need of print head cleaning).

He said to the girl behind the counter that was certainly too young to know what the hell he was talking about, “You’ll remember my name, right? It’s Jeff Unger. You know, like Felix Unger, only I am truthfully a lot more like Oscar Madison.”

That was all I had to hear. Gary and I are HUGE Odd Couple fans. When I turned to look at him he gave me that exaggerated Ohhhhhhhh sort of face like the Little Rascals and then promptly broke into  the following song from the Odd Couple. (one of our favorites). Sometimes you are simply in the right place at the right time.

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August 21, 2010 · 12:25 am

MyKnobs.com

Sometimes I cannot believe my good fortune. When I saw this sign coming off the parkway was one such time. Funny, but I get off at this exit all the time and never processed this. Perhaps it was the red Ferrari front and center that made me focus.

If I did not have a camera I would have had to go back. Nothing worse than a missed opportunity. Like the other day when there was a guy on a motorcycle making a turn off the main road I was on…

wearing a viking helmut. I am still mad I did not make the turn and follow him. What a picture that would have been!

Nope can’t make this stuff up.

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August 17, 2010 · 10:54 pm

A Good Mandarin is Hard to Find

I love the names of nail polish colors. Sometimes I will pick one just because of its name. This could be my favorite of all times. Riki was wearing this on her fingers (way too bold for me) and when she told me the name it was a near obsession.

I always wonder what the department that names these must be like. When I first graduated from art school I had the lofty design job of working in the graphics department of a major lingerie company. You know those ridiculous bra tags that hang right in the middle making it impossible to see how they fit? Yeh, well I designed those. Very rewarding. And equally rewarding was the job of this woman, Fay, who worked in office next door to us, chain smoking and making up lingerie color names all day long. Picture this if you will:

Fay walks into the room puffing on a butt and in a scruffy voice that could only be compared to Harvey Fierstein, she would ask, “What do you think of wisteria?”

Well, you know, as a vine it is not bad but I am not thrilled with the fact that it attracts bees. Oh, you meant for a bra color. Yeh, sure, ok.

I have been wearing Beach Party for quite awhile because, well because I love to have a beach party on my feet. But A Good Mandarin is Hard to Find… can’t beat that one. Even the manicurists were giggling at the name.

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August 11, 2010 · 10:58 pm

Schedules

You know those people who give you their schedules? This can happen in a volunteer setting or at work. Sometimes even for social plans. You ask them if they can help and the next thing you know you are listening to a droning list of kid’s activities, doc appts, hair, nails, work, family functions, yadayadayada.

Seriously folks. As if my to-do list is not boring enough I need to listen to someone else’s proctology appointment into grocery shopping into board meeting into sugar magnolia (that last one is for you Deadheads out there)? Or worse get the details.

To say this is a pet peeve is an understatement.

And then I realized that I was a schedule texter today. A friend asked where I was and on and on my list went in four part harmony complete with meetings, dry cleaner and chicken soup. (yes chicken soup in 90 degree heat – Jana has a cold and I felt bad for her, if you must know).

So what does this make me? Yep, a schedule spouting  bee-otch. And worse, that text went out to the person who I usually commiserate with over the schedule people.

So, Karen, this one goes out to you and I owe you a drink for being the recipient of the dreaded schedule.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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August 6, 2010 · 2:22 pm

Best Blogher Pitch of the Day

For those who do not know what the hell Blogher is, this is a conference for women bloggers. Go ahead, make all the jokes you want but you can only imagine how happy I am to be here. I am out of the zip code and amongst ‘my people’.

And these really are my people, even the ones who are pitching us. I was walking through the exhibition hall with @wendyscherer when all of the sudden a tiny powerhouse of a little blonde came up to us and asked:

“Can I tell you everything there is to know about your vagina in 5 seconds.”

Hmmm, I don’t know, can you?

I mean, I don’t mean to be narcissistic here but I was hoping that my vagina was worthy of a little more than 5 seconds. Anyone? Gary, want to jump in here and comment on this one?

She certainly got our attention and when she followed that line up with, ” the vagina is a delicate eco-system” I was pretty sure I had the makings of my first Blogher blog post of the day. (yes, kids, there may be more than one). And, no, I did not think it was necessary to add a photo to this post for those who were wondering. To quote my kids, “Ew Mom”.

Ok, I know what you are all thinking. Hundreds of women meet at these conferences to talk about their vaginas. Well, they do. But they also talk about family. And work. And grief, And politics. And fashion. And current events. And products. And marketing. And social good…

Are you getting the picture. This is a houseful of power. The women who drive not only buying power that brands so desperately seek, but the support and devotion that women give naturally to each other.

This is a very special place indeed.

Oh, and yeh, I am sure there are some pretty special vaginas here as well. (btw, did you know that the optimum pH for a vagina is 4.5? yeh, did not think you did)

Oh, and a plug for the little blonde whose name I did not get (sorry). She worked for lil’ drugstore and was selling all sorts of stuff to keep that hey-nanny-nanny in pH balance.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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July 23, 2010 · 10:52 pm

No Soap Radio

Here is a perfect example of how I keep myself entertained at all times.

These past few weeks I have been exceptionally busy and preoccupied. Not in a bad way, I thrive on this pace. It has not been the stay up all night, work all weekend kind of busy. More like the very full day and lots of plans at night and on the weekends sort of busy.

The thing is, at times like these the little details of life seem to get put on the back burner. You know, like going to the bank, making sure there is milk, buying stamps (yes we still use stamps on occassion, we are very retro) and the biggie this week…

buying soap.

More than once I heard Gary at 6:30 AM mumbling to himself and then asking me, “Do we have soap?”

Infant that I am, the only response I could think of was:

No soap, radio.

Luckily I was smart enough to keep that to myself because frankly his humor is just not all that developed at such an hour. I, on the other hand, would snicker to myself and then rummage through the travel bags to find soap until I finally wandered down to the basement bathroom and grabbed a vintage bar from the shower that is hardly ever used. (does soap go bad?)

Seriously, if you don’t entertain yourself throughout the day, what is really the point? Now might be a good time to tell you how I was sort of dancing a little to a Frank Sinatra song in Uncle Guiseppes this morning holding a big ass can of coffee and was ‘caught’ by a friend who looked at the coffee (and the little dance) and said, “wow, that’s a hell of a lot of coffee, cranking on a deadline?” I told her that actually I was and she was rather impressed that I could still do that little dance.

Don’t kid yourself folks, inside I am way more of a wreck than I appear to be.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.


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July 22, 2010 · 6:20 pm

Naked Cowboy is suing again!

A while back I posted about the ever-famous Naked Cowboy and his quest to protect his brand. This man, who most of us New Yorkers regarded as simply another Times Square nut adding peripheral color to our otherwise drab days, turned out to be quite the savvy businessman.

When Mars used his likeness to promote M&Ms on a billboard he went out and hired himself a lawyer. Much to my surprise, and surely the shock of a giant like Mars and their not so savvy creative team, the (not so) little (naked) guy won the suit to the tune of 4 million bucks!

Now it seems our beloved undressed cowboy has gone one step further in protecting his intellectual (and I use that term loosely) property and has begun to sell franchises. For a guy who serenades without clothing in all sorts of weather in the middle of Times Square he has surely become wise to the ways of protecting his brand.

During a press conference on Wednesday (in his skivvies, of course), he announced that he is suing Sandy Kane, a 50-year-old former stripper who calls herself the Naked Cowgirl, for ripping off his Times Square act. It seems the king of the tighty whities already collects $5,000 annually in franchise payments from a woman named Louisa Holmlund, 27, who also performs as the Naked Cowgirl.

Now here’s the thing, and I don’t want to appear to be cruel here, but the woman who pays is, well, there is no other way to put this, she is a babe. And BTW, way more authentically naked. The new one, not so much. See for your self. Here is the ‘legally Naked Cowgirl’ in Naked Cowboy terms:

And here is the new one. Sorry grandma, if I were the cowboy I would not want you ‘diluting’ my brand, if you will. Oh and I would like to add; 50 MY ASS! She is pushing 60 if she is a day, maybe even 70 from this picture. Or maybe she just lived 50 really hard years, but seriously, cover that up. All of it, actually.

Yikes! This is just wrong. (I particularly like the woman on the left with the big smile).

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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July 15, 2010 · 5:42 pm

Flushing out ideas and marketing the crap out of them

Ok, today’s post is a little entertainment from the land of advertising. Is it still referred to as Madison Avenue or have the likes of crowdsourcing and word of mouth made that obsolete?

Whatever, this sucker came up as a facebook ad and I could not resist the click. You know, considering my obsession with ‘output’ and all. Would it really come as a surprise to you that a women who wrote about her colonoscopy in three acts would be inclined to go for the click on an ad with the title ‘Potty parody’ featuring a geeky guy on the toilet? I mean, a woman has only so much restraint!

I have also written about the Toilet Paper Advertising Smackdown so I suppose I am an expert the excrement, if you will.

Or won’t, for that matter.

So Clorox, don’t get all excited about me promoting your brand of toilet cleaner (mostly because I fear my green friends will get their underwear all in a knot over that… cough cough Dani and Jessica G). For the purpose of this post I am simply recognizing the creative and commending you on the facebook ad placement. That silly little targeting algorithm sure has this chick’s number.

The video is goofy but well written in an I-can’t-believe-how-lame-this-is-cheap-shot-sort-of-middle-school-bathroom- humor-that-I-still-have-not-outgrown sort of way. Tragically geekster hip but funny just the same. However, Ode to the Commode does not wring my bell nearly as much as the title of this post which came from the copy.

Here’s the vid, kids. See for yourselves. And there is a little poll at the end to vote for your favorite campaign name. Simply for my own entertainment.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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