Category Archives: absurdities

June 25, 2009 · 4:54 pm

Um, did you steal that dress?

grad-dress2

Tomorrow is graduation in my town. If you read Time to Cry Tuesday this week you saw the emotional side of Jana’s graduation 2 years ago. This post is to make you all laugh, and get a full picture of the runaway train I call my life. I thought it was time for a little levity since all my girls are a bit weepy this week – myself included. Nostalgia is contagious. It is kind of like a contact breakdown.

The picture above is the bottom of Jana’s graduation dress. Why we had to buy one is beyond me because they wear gowns, but a day or two before graduation we were frantically pulling sundresses and espadrilles off  shelves in an attempt to have the perfect outfit.

Jana walked into the cafeteria to wait with all the graduates. She was sitting at a table with her friends when someone asked, “Hey Jan, did you steal that dress?” She looked at them like they were crazy and said, “Yeh, I steal all my clothes, why?”. The answer was an honest one, “Well, I was just asking because you still have the security tag on the bottom of that dress.”

Typical!

For some reason that spring everywhere I shopped they left the security tags on. No really. I swear I am not a kleptomaniac. A maniac, yes, but not a klepto.

The best part of this story is that we cleaned her closet this week and found the dress, security tag still fastened. I put it in the bag for the Good Will bins and drop it off this week. I hope they don’t track me down from my used clothes and try to arrest me.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 23, 2009 · 8:54 pm

Would you buy a used vacuum?

Jana is moving into a new apartment in August and we are busy shopping for all the domestic items we can think of. We have become involved in a bargain hunting game with her roommates and their moms. Today I found a really inexpensive vacuum at Target and was so excited about it. I know, scary that a vacuum excites me. Actually that kind of sucks. (sorry)

We were talking about it at dinner and Gary suggested that we could get a much better quality vacuum, used on Craigs List. By the looks of the Madison page for vacuums, he is not wrong.

But seriously! A used vacuum?! Doesn’t that have kind of an EW factor to it? Danny thought by buying a used one we ran the risk of purchasing a vacuum that had been used to pick up poop. Hmmmm, can you pick up poop with a vacuum? Maybe tiny poop, like mouse droppings or maybe even some kitty litter encrusted cat feces. I was thinking that in a college town vomit would be more likely. You know, the kind that hardens a bit overnight on the rug and then you sprinkle some baking soda on it and then try to vacuum it up. What? Does it sound like I have experience with this? Maybe.

We were 3 to 1 in our family, opposed to the idea of the used vacuum due to the possible ickification of it. We decided to ask friends who stopped by our table on their way out ofthe restaurant. They were split. Surprisingly he said no to used while she is a big fan of Craigs List and was in favor.

We decided the only way to settle this was to bring it to the blog for a poll. So, even if you are a lurker, please cast your vote as this is of dire importance to national security. Or maybe we are just curious.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 17, 2009 · 10:54 pm

She awoke and saw stars

star-tattoo-face

Here is an odd story. This ‘young housewife’, 18-year-old Kimberley Vlaeminck of Belgium, claims she asked for three little points on her forehead but the tattoo artist suggested three stars would be prettier.

Get this, she WENT TO SLEEP to avoid the pain. How the hell do you fall asleep while someone is tattooing your face?! Are they leaving out some details from this story – like narcotics maybe? I mean, we are not talking about removing a splinter, we are talking about injecting ink into your face!

She claims she awoke to 56 stars on her face; poorly rendered I might add. Nice look. As far as the tattoo artist is concerned, she was onboard with this until her dad caught wind of it and she pulled the nap story out of her hat. She is now suing the tattoo parlor.

I am reminded of my favorite line from Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert:

Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it’s what you want before you commit…

Hmm, I wonder if this chick is considering motherhood.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 12, 2009 · 10:47 pm

Marina Rules

Marina-rules

We had dinner tonight at a favorite place on the water that is situated by a marina. This sign is posted just as you leave the restaurant. Danny and I were reading it and found it rather humorous.

Disorder? Ok, that one is clear. But depredation an indecorous behavior. Seriously! Is this common boating lingo or was someone just trying to show off their vocab. Forget about their meanings, we worked pretty hard at figuring out the correct pronunciation.

For those who are curious:

depredation

Ok, this one really has that real pirate flavor to it. I love the idea of plundering right there in full view of a restaurant. And the related forms? “Hi, what do you do for a living?” “Who me? Oh, well you could call me a depredationist of sorts.”

indecorousDon’t you love the first definition? ‘Not decorous’. I hate that. Oooh, but violating generally accepted standards of good taste or propriety? Would running naked and drunk up and down the dock fall into that bucket?

It could be that Danny is in the throws of the SAT/ACT season but I find it hard to believe that some SAT-word-of-the-day show off did not write these rules.

Well, have to go. I am off to display some indecorous behavior upstairs. Enjoy the weekend!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 10, 2009 · 8:47 pm

What does that sign say?

3D-dance-flick-to-hell

I know, the words you CAN read are ‘3D DANCE FLICK TO HELL’. And if you are like my daughter you did not think twice about it because you know that the movies out right now are: Up in 3D, Dance Flick and Drag Me to Hell – a title, BTW, that makes me wonder why anyone would want to see that movie – but I am thinking some of my clients have taken it as a directive this week.

If you were me, well if you were me the noise in your head would be deafening and you would be shopping for a straight jacket. But I am used to it and I can function quite well on a daily basis, except for the insane urge to photograph every visual pun I stumble upon. I am surely going to get punched in the face one day, but I doubt I will be committed (for this anyway).

Now that the status of my sanity is out of the way, I would like you to squint at the picture above. specifically the second line starting with ‘dance’ and tell me how that reads for ya now. Seriously, think of the change in meaning now that the sentence reads ‘3D Dance F_ _K to Hell’.

What’s with the blanks, you ask? Look, I have a filthy mouth at home but I kind of feel that on this wholesome ‘mom’ blog of sorts I should draw some lines.

Of course that sentiment is rather inconsistent with the fact that last month the most popular search terms for this blog contained the word penis.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 9, 2009 · 9:21 pm

Ooh La La, You have the Flu La La


ooh-la-la

I was standing behind this woman in the supermarket checkout line and I could not resist a shot of her rather offbeat scrubs. For some reason Betty Boop goes to Paris is not the motif I want from my healthcare worker.

I could not help but think how ridiculous it would be to receive the news that you had the swine flu from a nurse sporting the Eiffel Tower and Betty in a beret.

What next, the Naked Cowboy scrubs?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone

 

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June 7, 2009 · 9:38 pm

Top Ten Search Terms (Vol. 10)

untitled-1

Better late than never. If you are a regular reader, you know the drill. If not, these are my favorite actual search terms for the past month that landed people on this blog. I am always amazed at what people will key in. I add in a little commentary because, well because that is what I do. And I link them back to the posts that I think they found.

1. big french penis Yeh, well I suppose there is nothing quite like a big french penis. Isn’t it always the accent that always gets you.

2. phone penis bona hmm, would this be like a REALLY smart phone that doubles as a vibrator?

3. is there really a penis day in Japan? The short answer is yes. The long answer can be found in the comments. For those who are wondering why there are so many search terms with penis in them, it is obvious you have not been reading. I do not set out to write about them so often, they just come up.

4. infant farts I wrote about fart pads but I don’t think you would need them for infants. Wouldn’t the diaper serve the same purpose?

5. manorexic catalogue Oh great, now there is a catalogue that perpetuates this behavior? I bet you could buy one of these there.

6. poop Plain and simple. Nothing like a little poop search.

7. picture of fat guys crying That would be one sad and pathetic sight.

8. dead mouse in dog food Ok, so it would appear this has happened to other people, how comforting.

9. reborning wtf Seriously, that’s what I said!

10. big butt or testicles mouse This one? I am just really concerned about the individual that strung those words together. And I am not really sure they found what they were looking for.

That’s it folks. Stay tuned next month for some more fun and games with search words.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 5, 2009 · 9:06 pm

I Bring You the Mangroomer

ManGroomer

Yes, my friends, this is one of those items you do not just pass by at Bed, Bath & Beyond. You must stop, pull out your camera and get a shot of this baby. Prominently displayed, I might add. Probably as a Father’s Day promo.

My favorite part of this package is, of course, the circled areas. Note that this is not even remotely anatomically correct. Perhaps this should be called the Eunuch Groomer.

Of course I had to hop over to their website for a little more info. They sport the tagline of the month: ‘Maintain Yourself’. Oh, how I wish I had written that one.

They also make the ‘essential do-it-yourself electric back shaver’. For whom? A double jointed gymnast. How the hell are you supposed to reach your back with this thing? Oh wait, I believe it has a ‘fully extendable and adjustable handle’.

And thank goodness they have a companion nose and ear hair trimmer.

But my fave remains the Private Body Shaver. If you click on no other links on this post you must click on this one for it is the FAQ section on this product. My fave? #7. Does the MANGROOMER Private Body Shaver work for tall and large men?  I don’t get that, do tall guys have surpersonic personal hair?

I would have loved to have been in the focus group for this sucker!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 4, 2009 · 9:08 pm

Without a Paddle

shit-creek

Whoever sent me this (Jo, was it you?) please forgive me for not remembering.

After a little searching I found that you can buy this image here. And there is a business or two with the name Shit’s Creek Paddles. I like this one the best.

This has been that kind of week and I thought I would share this image with those of you who have had the same. As soon as I find directions to this place I will share them with you all. Until then, folks, looks like we are on our own.

Here’s wishing you all a happy Friday. Thanks goodness the weekend is upon us. My hopes for this one is to end the groundhog’s day and have some fun.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 3, 2009 · 4:51 pm

Pii Pii for the Wii? No way!

Yes way. Thanks to a client, this was brought to my attention (yes, my clients are as warped as I am). The Japanese, being big fans of both penises and toilets, have developed a peeing game for the Wii.

Girls strap on the belt harness and insert the Wiimote to play the game.

Here are some of my favorite product features (with commentary, of course) from the thinkgeek post about this product:

• Video Game for Nintendo Wii Provides a Virtual Peeing Experience (the perfect gift for the girl who has everything, including a bad case of penis envy)

• Amazing Realistic Pee Fluid Dynamics (you have to watch the video to fully appreciate this. BTW this girl really sucks at this game)

• Over 100 different peeing environments with multiple toilet and urinal styles (lovely feature)

Oh, and this one I love:

• Up to two players can compete with dueling pee streams (sword fights for girls, how inclusive!)

The text on the packaging boasts that this product ‘promotes good bathroom skills and allows women to experience for the first time the pleasure of urinating while standing’. Funny, I have always told my daughter that the only thing that she could not do that boys could was pee standing up.

I guess those days are over and we have finally reached true equality. Now we can pee on the damn glass ceiling if we want to.

You go girls!

(as an aside, today someone referred to me as ‘the diva of the absurd and silly’. I am happy to carry that title proudly)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

 

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