Monthly Archives: December 2010

December 17, 2010 · 11:36 pm

Window Warriors

Little green army men; will they ever go out of fashion. You buy them in a bag of dozens and they keep little boys busy for hours.

Sad but true.

This was a bizarre scene in a drug store window that I took a while back. I am not clear why a NYC retail establishment would dedicate this much window space to such a low cost item. Unless of course this was a show of patriotism and had nothing to do with merchandising.

Whenever I see these plastic figures. all I can think about is a childhood story of Gary’s where he bit off all the heads of the army men. Not clear on the motive.

Perhaps it was a political statement (unlikely).

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December 15, 2010 · 11:15 pm

Magnet for the Absurd

Doorbell rings. Dog barks. UPS man drives away. And there on my front stoop is a big old box from Cafepress.com.

Hmmm, what can this be? I open it up and there are 16 neatly wrapped identical square packages. I open the first one and there it is… the perfect MFTA mug.

Thanks to (uncle) Neal, who not only named me the MFTA but is not under any circumstances my uncle – and I still have no idea why we call him that. But he is surely as much my family as anyone who carries my bloodline. And knows me better than most.

The best part of this story is poor Neal had shoulder surgery last week and under the influence of some pretty crazy prescription drugs did not realize that instead of ordering 4 mugs he was ordering 4 sets of 4 mugs. I am thinking of planning an absurdity brunch. Imagine the criteria for an invitation!

Once again… I am the magnet for the absurd.

Thanks Neal, for the mugs, and for truly appreciating the finer points of my insanity. Love you, man.

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December 14, 2010 · 8:14 pm

Work for what you need

Pray for what you want. Work for what you need.

How odd to find this little morsel of wisdom on a piece of construction equipment. You have to love these people.

I did a reverse look-up on the phone number and it belongs to Peter Lizza Materials. They are a supplier of fertizer.

No shit!

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December 14, 2010 · 12:07 am

Time To Cry Tuesday – Is facebook like gum on your shoe?

I had this conversation with Dr. Jimmy the other day. We were talking about people who had become facebook friends and how they fit into our lives. I don’t think that when Zuckerberg thought this whole thing up he had any idea how it would effect those of us who actually have a past.

This was created for people who basically had only a present – young people. People with barely any history. When they first came on they were looking to connect. Many were looking to acquire more or deeper relationships, but they were surely not looking for kids they knew in preschool!

Then we old school types came along and we were looking to REconnect with people from our past. And sure, people from our present too; but I think the lure for most people ‘of a certain age’ was to get back in touch with those that time and distance had squeezed out of our lives.

ish.

In the process we started to get ‘friend’ requests from people who had organically slipped out of our lives. And we were either not unhappy about it or at the very least… indifferent. I always say, if I did not connect with you in High School, why would I want to reconnect with you now?

Now we are subjected to the constant stream of intimate details of the lives of those that we really never knew all that well in real life. We don’t want to be rude and ‘unfriend’. Sometimes we cannot stand either the monotony of what they post or the cryptic crises that people feel the need to spout in status updates. (what is that by they way?)

Don’t get me wrong, I love the upside of facebook and the friends that I have found again and share with. But the others…

Yep, facebook can sometimes turn people from your past into gum on your shoe.

(oh great, now all my old friends are going to worry that I am talking about them… c’mon you guys, don’t get all insecure, you know I love you!)

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December 12, 2010 · 10:16 pm

Merry Overkill

I never quite understand what drives a homeowner to go these extremes to decorate for the holidays. Personally, I subscribe to the school of less is more. I cannot even imagine their electric bill at the end of the month!

It is hard to get the true feeling of this home as it sat on a very small piece of property. To the right, cropped out of this shot, was a carport with a host of inflatables atop its roof. Snowglobes and reindeer and all sorts of Santa apparitions.

I am not a fan of the inflatables. Seems lately those who like them put them up for every holiday. Their basements must look like the Macy’s parade warehouse. I particularly hate the ones that take a religious scene and try to render them in blow up materials. There is a manger scene in my neighborhood that looks like Alvin and the Chipmunks and I have a sneaking suspicion that was not intentional.

We stumbled upon the house above by accident last night and all we could think of was what was going to happen to all those decorations in the high winds and heavy rain that was coming today.

If it was not so far away I would have done a drive by for another shot. I suppose that would be a little too mean spirited, but think about how funny that decoration battlefield might have looked.


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December 12, 2010 · 12:50 am

Body Man Needed

Now, here is a creative alternative to all those impersonal dating sites. Why not just hang a sign on the fence in front of your house with a simple statement of qualifications?

Note this body man was not ‘wanted’, he was ‘needed’.

 

 

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December 10, 2010 · 10:05 pm

4th Amendment Wear

This could be the most brilliant product of the decade. Designed by Tim Geoghegan and Matthew Ryan, these products show that bitching and moaning are not nearly as effective as making an intelligent statement.

A silent protest to the absurd lengths the TSA has taken security screening, this clothing proudly displays the 4th amendment. There are socks with it plainly written on top. Some funny kids’ stuff telling the ‘pervs’ to read the 4th amendment. But my favorites are these Ts and underwear printed in metallic ink that can be picked up by the scanners.

Peaceful protest.

Intelligent.

Non-threatening.

Makes the point without being disruptive.

File under ‘why did I not think of this’.

For those who are unfamiliar with the 4th Amendment:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Probable cause… indeed!

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December 8, 2010 · 8:09 pm

Huney Do

Seriously?!

I mean SERIOUSLY ‘dude’, you can’t possibly think driving around in a BMW with a HONEY DO license plate and a De-Fender bumper condom makes you cool, can you?

I wanted to wait till this guy got back in his car to see if he was wearing an ‘I am a Douche’ t-shirt. (sorry, that was probably uncalled for).

I just can’t help myself but rant when I see something like this. Guy goes to college, gets a good job, meets a nice girl, moves out to the suburbs, maybe has a kid or two and a house and a yard and the next thing he knows he trades in his I was once a fairly decent guy aura and becomes a suburbot (ooo, i sense another Urban Dictionary submission here).

For those unfamiliar with the term Huney Do – meaning those who either live under a rock, never saw a slice of life TV show or that stupid commercial (that I think is for Lowes) – Honey Do refers to the list of chores that a wife gives her husband.

Honestly, the word ‘chores’ reminds me of a 1950s sitcom.

Once, just once, I would like to hear one of these guys say…. Do it yourself, bitch. (ok, now I am totally out of control).

Not one to be into household gender roles all that much, this just makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit. There are a few things Gary likes to do around the house… leaf blowing and power washing. (see a pattern). They make him happy.(again, see a pattern). He will even throw in putting away lawn furniture, taking out the garbage and emptying the dishwasher. He is really easy to live with, I don’t have to make a list and when I am lucky he doesn’t call me bitch. (to my face, anyway) Although when I get a little out of control he has called me a crazy old hag – but I sort of deserved it.

Wait, I forgot I was writing about the license plate. So, now that I have finished this rant it occurs to me that this person probably lives in my town because he was parked fairly deep in the zip code and we are not a drive through sort of town. So? Any of you Pdubbsters out there know whose car it is?

Yikes.

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December 7, 2010 · 10:58 pm

Those Crazy Sconnies

Having two kids in Wisconsin I am always on the lookout for interesting Wisco news. I was scrolling through twitter tonight looking for blog fodder and @tsand did not disappoint. I can always count on him to point out the more outrageous things going on in the world. Certainly in Wisconsin!

It seems a 57-year-old woman bit her 79-year-old husband’s tongue off during a kiss, then went outside to sing Christmas carols and blow a New Year’s horn. Fa-la-ooo-la-la! This babe is one wacky Sconnie!

She is being charged with felony mayhem. Felony Mayhem?! WTF, I love that charge. I want to know what other sort of thing falls into that category. Ok, so I could not resist a little googling around for the definition. Here is my favorite definition from The Free Dictionary:

Noun 1. mayhem – the willful and unlawful infliction of injury upon a person, esp (formerly) the injuring or removing of a limb rendering him less capable of defending himself against attack. Crippling, disfigurement, or mutilation of another.

Certainly incapable of defending himself in an argument at this point. Poor guy.

The victim said his wife had been acting strangely in recent days.

Ya think!!

I am still wondering how he could tell them that without his tongue.

Just another Bobbit-esque crime of passion, I suppose. Only milder. Lest we not forget this other famous Sconnie story where the scorned wife Crazy Glued her hubby’s member to his stomach. Do you think she was acting strange the few days before that?

Can’t make this stuff up.

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December 6, 2010 · 8:53 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – Fig Newtons and a Cup of Tea

We called her Nana Julie but I don’t recall why; her name was Julia. My other grandmother was Nana Car… because she was the one that drove.

Obviously.

I will take no responsibility for the naming as I am sure my brother was responsible for these. He was brilliant.

This time of year I think of them both often. Perhaps because we are in the middle of the first Hannukah without kids home and the holiday seems so quiet. Or maybe it is because a blustery winter day like today reminded me of Nana Julie’s kitchen, with it’s Dentyne in the cabinet – both red and green, no one liked the green – and this cookie jar on the counter. The counter tops had this great 1950s boomerang formica and there was always a Pyrex glass coffee pot on the stove to boil water.

When she died I took very few things from her house, but this cookie jar was one of them. It was always filled with Fig Newtons, and they were ALWAYS just a little stale. It was not until I was grown that I knew that Fig Newtons were supposed to be soft. I still sort of miss the stale ones.

We kids loved that kitchen. My grandparents lived close by, and near the beach, so we spent many of our childhood weekends at their house. I cannot even imagine how many cases of Fig Newtons and Dentyne we must have polished off through the years. And now that I think of it I am not sure if she ever had any other cookies or candy in the house. I AM sure we did not care one bit.

As a young adult I was fortunate to still have the Nana’s in my life. They were close; they called each other ‘sister’. I feel so very fortunate to have had them for so long.

Nana Julie’s solution to any problem was to make a cup of tea and then sit down and talk about it.

This afternoon it was chilly, I was losing my motivation and I had this undying craving for Fig Newtons and a cup of tea. There was something so very comforting about that snack. As if she were right there in the room with me.

I suppose she was. Perhaps they both were.

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