December 7, 2017 · 10:20 pm

What’s the fascination with urinals?

Hi, It’s me. I guess I am back. I know, it’s been awhile. And how odd that I should return with a post about urinals. I just need a little comic relief. Consider this a gift.

Last work week was a big thrill. A beloved client was featured in the NYT. Great piece with an odd ending, which apparently did not go unnoticed, as we had a Facebook follower ask:*

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We noticed this ourselves and a colleague asked me, “What is the fascination with urinals?”

Really? She had to ask? C’mooonnn!

Then, today in my Facebook feed came this piece about urinal advertising. You know, “The smart urinal that will show you ads while you pee.” (If you are asking why it was in my stream – no pun here – it’s a Magnet for the Absurd thing… just who I am)

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I know, of course it’s brilliant! Captive audience. Better than elevator advertising. And there have been countless urinal ad vehicles that have proven themselves through the years.

But THIS – this is my absolute fave – pee-controlled urinal games. Oh why did I not think of this one. Every mother that has ever potty trained a son to sink Cherrios in the toilet would know that this one is a winner! (wait, you all did this with your sons, right?) 

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I urge you to click through to the site and watch the video, it is hilarious. Think about this. It is great for business. Guys are going to drink more so they can play the game longer. Or multiple times. Winner gets a free drink. The opportunities are endless!

I have to say I am feeling a little more than left out about this.

Urinal envy?

Nah, I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.

______________

*Side note: Gallaghers happens to have spectacular urinals. I know this because I have taken countless women in there to look at them. Don’t ask. And please don’t judge. Yeh, I have a rather undefined job.

 

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September 16, 2017 · 8:51 pm

This is 25

IMG_817125. Twenty-five. A quarter of a century. WTH! Unclear how I am the mother of all those years. Lord knows I certainly don’t behave that way.

Which brings me to my son. Dan. Danny. Daniel. DLev. Buckaroo. Seriously, what 25 year old man tolerates being called Buckaroo? Even embraces it.

My son.

I rarely blog anymore. But my kids’ birthdays are sacred. And blogworthy. So here goes.

This guy. He has taught me so much more than I have taught him by now. Me? I keep hitting home the same lessons. What is your end game? Keep your eye on your own ball. Be true to who you are. Be all you can be and be careful. Have integrity every day. Always resolve conflict with the party you are conflicted with. The love of reading. Floss.

Him? He challenges me. He makes me better. He makes me think.

Every day.

He taught me that you have to love people the way they need to be loved, not the way you want to love them. He DOES NOT like to be told what to do. In fact if I do, it is a guarantee he will do the opposite. He has taught me how to trust those you love to do the right thing. To believe that when you raised a child to be independent, that independence may come back to bite you in the ass (ok, not such a parental phrase, but go with it), but you are guaranteed to have a child that knows who they are. Always. Without a second thought.

But most of all, he has taught me about overcoming adversity. And shown me how incredibly strong a human can be when faced with a life(style) altering issue.

Here’s to you, DLev. I stand in awe of your strength. And your ability to find joy everywhere. All the time.

All you can, my love. All you freakin’ can!

Happy 25!

(please note I got your age right this year). 

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May 14, 2017 · 9:42 am

Mothers Day – Your kids will be fine

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And so will you.

(this post is dedicated to a colleague who knows who she is and is just learning this dance)

Having made it to the other side of parenting, now hanging with the 2 best adults I know, I wanted to say thank you to both of them for tolerating this lunatic and still turning out great. Someone wise once told me, “your kids will be fine”. In the throws of working full time (and then some), caring for pets and parents, and trying to be a good human, I sometimes wonder how they survived.

But they did. In spite of me.

I thought this would be a good time to do another famous list and look back on the ways I messed up and they still turned out fine. And loved me anyway.

  1. Anything involving the smoke alarm and our first dog who would shake from it.
  2. Ironing the graduation gown and almost melting it.
  3. Being the carpool mom that once in awhile forgot the other kid.
  4. Backing up full force out of the driveway and hitting my brother’s car broadside… with a car full of teenage girls. (sorry Keith)
  5. Singing in the morning when you just wanted to be left alone.
  6. Locking us out of the house in a black out.
  7. Losing the concert tickets in the jungle of my hard drive for a show I don’t remember but one that was REALLY important.
  8. Surprise back surgery into a slip and fall geezer-like incident at the worst moment ever. (really sorry about this one, guys, I know how hard that was for you)
  9. Initiating completely inappropriate family discussions that now that they look back are probably the best thing I ever did… nothing shocks them now.
  10. Taking a while to figure out you did not want me to solve it, you just wanted to bitch.

Goes to show, no matter what we do, if we love them unconditionally, they just might do the same thing back.

Happy Mothers Day, kids. Thanks for tolerating.

 

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April 25, 2017 · 10:16 am

This is 28 – Time to Cry Tuesday

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Twenty-eight! The age I was when I was planning to have you, and now here you are being that age. And being it so damn well you astound me.

Jana, indulge me in the annual birthday post, where I marvel at what a kickass woman you turned out to be.

Your smile. Period.

The way in which you are one of the toughest people I know. Packed into that little body of yours, armed with only that smile and some guts, I have watched you gently show the world that you will take no shit, or prisoners. A few examples:

  1. Getting a 300 lb. bouncer to shut down the DJ on the previous party in a bar to move your people in.
  2. Getting me to go under the turnstile in a subway station when my metrocard did not work (now we will both get arrested, sorry, bad judgement)
  3. Better judgement than me in most cases (see item 2)
  4. Becoming the family concierge and doing it like it is second nature.
  5. Letting those you love never doubt that love for one second.

But, I am most proud of your integrity and humility. Your unwavering commitment to the people and causes that mean the most to you. All while making it seem like no big deal. Please know that does not go unnoticed (even by people who did not give birth to you).

Happy Birthday, Petunes. This has been quite a few months for you. You are so very fortunate to have found the love of your life. As you say, he makes you the best version of yourself. As your mom, there is nothing that could make me happier.

Thank you for the joy you bring to my life every single day. And for the honor of being your mother.

 

 

 

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September 16, 2016 · 2:02 pm

This is 24 (not 23)!

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This guy! I adore pretty much everything about him (ok, except for mornings).

That sweet face on the right stares out at me from those big brown eyes, with a little hint of a smile that always said, hey, I really know who I am. I’ve got this. And there he is again on the left – over two decades later – same sort of expression, telling me that he will always be cool with it. Whatever ‘it’ is.

DLev. Baco boy. Oneida for life. Badger. The king of sucking it up and moving on. Always gives 100% and never complains. Sometimes to a fault.

I will refrain from the ‘my-little-boy-is-gone-my-son-is-perfect’ drivel and just simply say that if on this day in 1992 I could have written my hopes for who you would become, you have exceeded my expectations. You make me laugh, call me out, challenge me, make me think and most of all let me lean when I have to. (ok, a little bit of my-son-is-perfect, but it’s your birthday)

Raising you has been a joy, buckaroo. (oh, except for that incident with the inside of my windshield, but hey, this is not about embarrassing you ; ).

To the moon and back.

Happy 24, Danny-boy. All you can.

 

 

 

 

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July 8, 2016 · 12:02 pm

On Speaking Out

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This has never been a political place, and has certainly not been a very active one for a while. But it is where ‘I go’. And today, I had to ‘go’ somewhere. Time to Cry, indeed.

Speaking out. This week’s mantra. All ‘sides’.

Sides? Really?! Now there are sides to humanity? To dignity? To civil rights?  To driving down the road with your child in the back seat? To waking up every day and doing your job protecting your community?

Are there systemic issues? Hell, yeh. Should we push for a drastic overhaul of our broken system that includes real oversight, investigation and punishment? Both ‘sides’. Double hell, yeh. Do we have issues with guns… triple hell, yeh. Are all cops evil? Come on, you don’t believe that any more than you believe that all people of color are criminals. Right?

Tell me right, ok? Make me believe it. Please, come out of the woodwork and tell me that as Americans we can stop taking sides. Tell me that I am not delusional. Tell me that from the wreckage of all this violence we can create change. Not slogans and hashtags. Not turning your profile picture black OR blue. Turn it both. Black and blue… bruised and hurting. That is what we are all feeling.

These are the things I have read today that moved me after a sleepless night. Let them move you. Let’s all turn down the volume and turn up the idea of what being an American should mean. And what our responsibilities are.

  • There are no sides. Please don’t take one. Grieve for loss of life, the broken system and violence begetting violence. But don’t take sides.
  • You know the hardest part of having a conversation surrounding police shootings in America? It always feels like in America… if you take a stand for something, you automatically are against something else. It’s such a strange world to be in. You shouldn’t have to choose between the police and the citizens that they are sworn to protect. (Trevor Noah)
  • Things have not changed, the access to real time video has.
  • An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. (thank you, Dawn)
  • I’m sorry, I must have set my alarm for 1968 (thank you, Marc)
  • We need to stop thinking hashtags are going to fix the problem and get away from our computers and out into our communities to work together to figure out how to stop this reality we find ourselves in. (C.C. Chapman)

Speaking out is great. But please choose your words wisely. And act upon them. Effectively. Sensibly. And with liberty and justice for ALL.

Amen. Namaste. Shalom. Salaam.

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May 26, 2016 · 5:01 pm

Graduation Time

grad capNope, no one in my house is graduating. But for some reason I found myself going back and reading all of the graduation posts that I had written for my kids. I guess it is that time of year. It all seems so long ago, and like yesterday at the same time.

I will tell you that here on the other side, we are all doing great and happy to have made it.

Here is a little roundup for those who are going through the graduation dance. Don’t worry, I promise, you will all be just fine.

Jana’s High School Graduation

Danny’s High School Graduation

Jana’s College Graduation

Danny’s College Graduation

Iko’s Obedience School Graduation (JK, if you have ever met her you would know she would definitely be a dropout!)

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April 25, 2016 · 9:37 am

And then she turned 27

You wake up one morning, a good 30 lbs over your normal weight (don’t judge), wash your hair, take off your jewelry and nail polish (your version of natural childbirth) and you walk into the hospital to have a baby.

That is pretty much how it went. A stubborn breech baby, Miss Jana preferred the less violent (for her, anyway) exit of a c-section.

You planned for just about everything… and nothing at all.

You did not plan for how amazing your life would become because she was in it. Or how your heart would both fill and break at a moment’s notice when her life took its swings. You counted fingers and toes and thought you were good to go.

jana27And then one day you turn around and she turns 27! Today! And you look at the woman she has become and think, damn if I did anything right in this world it was her (and you too, Dan, but it’s not your birthday). Sure, we all gush about our kids, and love them unconditionally. But, as they age up the parenting piece is so very different. It’s a sidelines thing. A bite your tongue and hope and pray endeavor. And then they start to impart THEIR wisdom to YOU!

So, for your birthday, my sweet Petunia Blossom, I will share some of your wisdom:

  1. In the history of mankind, no one has ever calmed down when you say ‘calm down’.
  2. They now take credit cards in taxis, it’s not 1985. (in my defense I was pretty sick that day)
  3. Sometimes you just have to smile and nod – and shut the hell up.
  4. Repost is the best instagram regram app.
  5. You don’t need to solve it, you just need to listen to me complain. I will solve it myself.
  6. When you take pictures on your phone, you should always shut the sound off.
  7. Don’t eat this [fill in the blank], it has too much salt.
  8. Madewell has great gift items.
  9. This is how you do a face swap video.
  10. Laughter.

But most of all you taught me how to be silly and love life, even when it can be ‘annoying’. It seems you have been doing this your entire life.

3 janas

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November 26, 2015 · 11:39 pm

This turkey was an asshole

  
Or it could have been my beloved/hated Chambers oven. From 1939. I adore this thing, but it is not the most reliable way to cook.

Every Thanksgiving I try a different way to survive the turkey. I start it early, the timer pops, not one but two digital thermometers register the correct temp, I brine, I tent, I baste and I turn. Some years I even order the damn thing (always day old and dry).

This bad boy? He mocked me. Everything looked and seemed perfect until we went to carve him. Not once back in the oven, but twice!

Turkey aside, this was a wonderful holiday filled with family and friends. I hope you all had the same.

Happy thanksgiving.

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November 24, 2015 · 10:06 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday… Mom

Thanksgiving, like every holiday, starts off with the business of lists and recipes, shopping and cleaning and ends up where everything seems to, with the bittersweet memories of those we have lost.

“Umm… Ame, what is up with the ancient can of mandarin oranges and what do they have to do with your mom?”, you ask. Read on my friends. This one is just plain old freakish.

I spent a big chunk of the weekend reading expiration dates and tossing ancient items out of my pantry and fridge. It is really quite embarrassing, but frankly I suck at this piece of domesticity. I usually do it before the holiday visit from my nephew, the expiration date nazi, but sadly he will not be joining this year.

I digress. I had just finished making (not enough) cranberry sauce and was on the phone asking a friend about whether to use canned mandarin oranges in my fresh sauce. My argument in favor of this slimy little canned citrus was nostalgia. You guessed it, my mom always used them. I reached into the pantry and saw the condition of the can, realizing it had slipped through Saturday’s expiration sweep.

But then I saw something so startling that even the most stubborn skeptic could not deny.

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As the word ‘Mom’ left my lips, this is what I saw.

Yeh, I know, crazy, right? (and yes I am aware that this can expired over 5 years ago)

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So here’s the thing. This is no coincidence. Why the hell would DelMonte stamp MOM on the bottom of a can of (5+ year old) mandarin oranges?

Because, my friends, I really do believe they did not.

Here’s to you, Elaine, you cagey devil. And yes, I get it, I can’t possibly leave out the mandarin oranges.

“She lives on beneath everything I do. Her presence influenced who I was, and her absence influences who I am. Our lives are shaped as much by those who leave us as they are by those who stay.”

– Hope Edelman from Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss

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