If You Give a House a Cookie…

Where to begin on this crazy homeowner’s tale? First, let me say this crap always happens to me the week before my kids come home. Second, this one is a little long, but if you own a house you will sympathize. If you don’t, call the super and go out for a margharita!

The other day we had the WILDEST storm of the summer. Hell hath no fury like a summer storm (wait, isn’t that woman scorned? whatevs). So in comes this crazy mother of a storm with wind and rain and dark skies and hailstones the size of baseballs (slight exaggeration – but hail scares the crap out of me). The poor dog was fuh-ree-kin’!

While multi-tasking (talking on the phone, throwing in a load of laundry and doing the 30th revision on a job) I walked into the kid’s ‘playroom’ in the basement outside my office and heard the rushing of water. Not a good thing. Source of said water? The wall behind the TV, VCR, cable box and prized possession of all 16-year-old boys… the X-Box. Not good. Not good at all. 

My first reaction was to pull out the plug on the powerstrip where the water was rushing down the wall over the socket. Second thought? ‘Today is not a good day to die’. Being the lucid homeowner, I shut the power strip, pulled the plugs from it and dragged all the equipment to drier pastures. 

1 Wet-Vac (note to self: buy a filter, this thing could make penicillin), 2 fans, pulling back of the carpet and the antibacterial padding (laid last year a week before my kids came home – see a pattern here?), some lovely Gardenia carpet freshener and 12 hours of the dehumidifier and I am as good as new?

Don’t be silly. In the course of the flooding episode I went to get towels from the basement linen closet. Ohhhhh, I said to myself, this could be why this bathroom has smelled like mildew all summer. There, in the closet was a pile of towels and blankets… soaked layers deep. And was this from the storm? Of course not, this was from the water main valve to my house that was leaking! Now if you know anything about houses, this is the valve that you shut of when you have a leak. So you ask, what happens when IT has a leak? Or worse, when it really goes. Well, the answer to that is that you are fucked!

Luckily, I was only pre-fucked (that sounds a lot more fun than it really is, believe me). Called the trusty plumber who asks, ‘do you know where the water district shut off valve is?’ and I answered, ‘I have only lived here for 20 years, why would I know that. I am a Jew for G-d’s sake!” He tells me to call the water district who should be back from lunch by 1:00. (and I am thinking, why does the whole district take lunch at the same time?). Now they come down, find the valve, spray paint it blue – which looks lovely in the middle of my lawn – and they are on their way (should I have tipped them? I tip everyone, drives Gary nuts).

Enter the plumber again. We love him. He told me to tell them the valve was about to go and I needed to be a priority and they came right away. He is my favorite worker. AND he does not have the crack of his ass showing when he bends down so he is no stereotype, this guy.

Wait, what was the point of this whole story? Oh right…

I always loved this book!

(BTW, check me out today at Mid-Century Modern Moms. I am guest blogging there on Wednesdays for awhile. And check out my new photo blog leaving the zip code. Check the details on the Submit page, this sucker is going to a group project. Yes, I still have time to work. I don’t watch much TV and I don’t sleep much).

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Filed under homeowner, humor, humor

11 responses to “If You Give a House a Cookie…

  1. Wow! I don’t think I’m sufficiently caffeinated yet to read this. Did you smoke some crack before writing this Amy?! In any case, if electronics got wet – put them in rice (YES, rice). Some friends of mine had a horrific fire last Summer and they were able to save waterlogged hard drives this way). Secondly, hope that your water issues were solved. But most importantly, congrats on your new gigs. Will have to start taking fotos I guess!

  2. haha. actually people smoke crack to get to where i am naturally. i have a tendency to go into hyperdrive.

    i love the electronics in rice. (do i need to add any seasoning?)

    liz, you are always so full of helpful hints!

  3. Just goes to show you – there’s always something. 🙂 I know what you’re going through; we live in an old home (build 1890) and there’s really, truly always something.

  4. Ry

    Damn, you are a powerhouse. Leaks, plumbers, books, new blogs. Good grief. I could learn a lot from you, lady. Yay at leaving the zip code photo blog!!!

  5. The plumber wears overalls, ergo, no crack.

  6. hey, how do you like that. the last comment was from my dad!! now the whole fam is joining in!

  7. Our lives sound pathetically similar – though I’ve had attic insulators of late, not plumbers. No butt crack here either, thank god. And in response to your comment on my blog, YES, I do need the words and the clicks. You can call me a whore anytime.

  8. Always loved what book? Did I miss something?

  9. oh! if you give a mouse a cookie. see i rambled for so long on that post you forgot the picture at the top. sorry about that.

  10. geebamom

    That would be the storm that kept me in New Jersey for an extra night! That was a freakish piece of weather. Sorry about your house.

  11. Pingback: Problem/Solution « i could cry but i don’t have time

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