Category Archives: humor

September 18, 2008 · 10:17 pm

Welcome to Croatia


I still have a fax machine. I am not always sure why because most of the things I receive announce vacation packages, low health insurance costs and home improvement specials. (Actually, I should stop throwing that stuff out, I could use all three).

Today I received the actual Croatian Passport above. Believe it or not I also received the inside but I thought that it would not be all that fair to this guy named Ivan (no joke, that was really his name) to be putting his passport (not the most flattering pic I might add) up on the internet for all to see.

I think somewhere in the past I might remember that there is a travel agency in another zip code that has the same number as my fax. Either that or I just made that up and Ivan is some sort of spy and he thinks that I am his leader and we are going to escape to go on a very dangerous undercover global espionage adventure this weekend.

Wait. No I’m not. I am actually flying off to Vegas tonight to Blogworld and New Media Expo.

Yep, all you bloggers are jealous, right?

All my friends in real life (that would be IRL) can stop laughing at the thought of me in Vegas and be encouraging. Gary is coming to be supportive, provide comic relief and try to find a way for me to turn this crazy blogging jones into billable hours. Oh, and to probably sit by the pool and do a little gambling.

Hey, I wonder if there is a basement in the Bellagio in case I get freaked out above ground too long.

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September 17, 2008 · 8:55 pm

Gary and Amy’s Ronkonkoma Adventure

Yesterday I wrote about the Relations Auto Body Shop in this town. But I am so not done with the subject of Ronkonkoma. I really like to say that word! If you have ever ridden the Long Island Railroad there is a certain way they announce this station:

“Ron-Kon-Ko-Ma!”

In a really loud bellowing voice that starts in the diaphragm.

Oh sorry, I digress for a change. So, we drop Danny to go in search of a much needed cup of coffee and a bagel. I am pretty sure there is a law in suburban New York that there must be a bagel place (they are called places, not stores or restaurants) every 10-15 miles, max.

Now, Gary has this annoying habit of always pulling over and asking ME to ask some weirdo on the street for directions. They are usually unintelligible, have no teeth, smell terrible or are just plain stupid.

The first person we asked satisfied the first 3 criteria. He was this rather old, skinny, shuffling sort of guy who mumbled and pointed in a direction down the road, kind of smiled and giggled and wandered off. We drove about 200 yards and came across a 7-11 and assumed that is where he was sending us.

The second person we asked was in the parking lot. She told us there was a great bagel place but she had no idea how to give us directions to it. She satisfied the last criteria (just plain stupid).

Gary went inside and got directions and on his way out who came shufflng up but the old guy. So, what did he do? Of course he brought him over to the car to ‘meet his wife’.

Oh Gary, so funny.

After googling on the blackberry and a false turn into a parking lot with a really sleezy bagel place we did find the perfect one and had a lovely, rather inexpensive in a let’s move to Ronkonkoma sort of way, breakfast.

But all this was not the truly funny part of the day. That happened a little later in the day on the way home when we stopped at a mall to buy Danny is birthday I-touch (jealous? I am).

On the way out we passed a mattress store with two people lying on a bed. Gary got that glint in his eye that can only mean trouble and said, “Watch this, I am going to lie down in between the two of them.” Danny did not believe him. Yes, of course he marched himself into that mattress store and started to crawl up on the bed in between the couple. The salesman freaked, “Uh, sir. What ARE you doing?”

Gary, “Oh, I’m sorry, I did not realize anyone was on this bed.”

Imagine the look on a 16-year-old boy’s face when his father pulls a stunt like that!

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September 16, 2008 · 9:34 pm

Welcome to Relations

Ok, this could be one of the weirdest shots I have taken all year. Sadly, my camera was not charged and I had to use my phone. But it actually came out pretty good.

Normally I would have posted this on Leaving the Zip Code as it is a perfect example of the mission of that blog, but I could not resist the opportunity to elaborate on this.

At some ungodly hour Bright and early Sunday morning, we took a trip out to Ronkonkoma. Don’t you just love the name of this town? It is in Suffolk County on Long Island, about 50 minutes east of where we live. And why would I do such a thing on a Sunday morning?

Soccer, of course.

We dropped Danny for warm-up and went in search of breakfast (another post in itself). During our travels in search of hot coffee and a bagel – stat, we made a U-turn in this auto body shop parking lot.

Yes, the name of the this place is ‘Relations’. Now really, look at the mural painted on the wall of this place. (and this is only a piece of it). I had to get this close up because the look on the faces of these guys was priceless.

Hmmm. What is on their minds?

Are THEY relations? Are they HAVING relations? Are they OUR relations? Do they practice GOOD relations? Could there be some activity of SEXUAL relations going on in their shop?

C’mon. The possibilities here are endless!

Now, one step further down on the mural. Dog? Fox? Rabid hybrid? Rags the mechanical dog (for you Woody Allen fans).

OMG could they be having relations WITH this animal?

Gary was reluctant to stop for this shot but now I am sure he is glad we did.

Would love to get me a Relations t-shirt, how about you?

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September 15, 2008 · 5:19 pm

Don’t worry, I am still alive


Ok, so here is another really cool thing about blogging.

People miss you when you don’t post. You become a regular part of someone’s day and you leave a void when you are gone. I kind of love that!

This morning I received an email from a blog friend making sure I was OK because she did not find a new post from me. How cool is that? AND, when doing a little IM session with my daughter, she asked about it too.

Who said the internet was impersonal?

For reasons I will not disclose here (alright because frankly I drank too much both Saturday and Sunday night celebrating with friends) I did not post yesterday. And also because it is my birthday and I did not want to obnoxiously solicit birthday wishes (yeh, well, decided I would anyway).

For those who are interested… 49. (haha, when I went to type that the first time it came out as 40, Freudian fingers). Really. 49. Not 50 lying about my age, really 49. And proud(ish).

Thanks for missing me, even those of you who did not mention it (or did not miss me and frankly welcomed the break from my insane ramblings).

Uh oh, tomorrow is Time to Cry Tuesday and it is a killer…

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September 13, 2008 · 7:25 pm

Do Not Open until September 2007…


No joke. This is an actual note from Jana. On the 2nd anniversary of its writing, I thought I would post this to give all of my friends of HS seniors a laugh and let them know that ‘this’ happens in every household.

I distinctly remember the day she wrote this. Her level of frustration had reached an all time high. In turn, my level of exasperation followed her lead and it would be safe to say the two of us were certainly not having our finest mother-daughter moment. Danny and Gary run for cover in these instances.

We went to our respective corners to lick our wounds and try to decompress. After some time she walked in my office (the command center in the basement) with a folded up piece of paper, sealed on all sides with the words “Open September 2007” written on it. She tacked it on the bulletin board over my desk and made me promise not to open it sooner.

Hard to believe but I actually waited. I did not even hold it up to the light. Every once in awhile during the course of that bittersweet emotional roller coaster of her senior year, I would glance up at it and get all teary-eyed in anticipation of what poignant words could be written inside. After all, was I not the parent that held her hand through the grueling process of college selection? Did I not help her compile the coveted ‘binder’ that had her friends green with envy? Oh wait, I think that might have been my friends. Or were they actually discussing their concerns about my OCD behind my back?

Anyway, I did wait till September 2007 to open this. I came back from the trip to Wisconsin with that pit in my stomach that every mom of a college freshman has. That feeling that maybe the idea of sending my daughter half way across the country was not all that well thought out. I sat down at my desk – tissues in hand – and slowly opened the note, expecting an outpouring of sentimentality.

Instead, I found a genuine piece of my Jana written on that page. With the wit and sarcasm I have grown to both love and miss so desperately. You will always keep me laughing baby girl. I love you.

Oh and now I am starting the process all over again with my OTHER favorite child.

Wait, this was not supposed to be a Time to Cry Tuesday post.

Whatevs.

BTW, as you have read, she finally did say screw you to Penn State and chose to be a Badger instead of a Nitanny Lion. Perhaps it had something to do with that torturous online app.

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September 12, 2008 · 11:35 am

Friday Fun

I don’t mean to step on my Freakatorium piece and post twice in one day but I loved this one so much I had to share. Be sure to scroll down to the Freakatorium as it is a post you don’t want to miss.

I saw this vid on Mashable, my most favorite tech geek site, and thought you all might enjoy it. Very creative!

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September 11, 2008 · 10:38 pm

Freakatorium

Tonight I was saddened to find out that the Freakatorium – Manhattan’s freak museum – or as it was also referred to, El Museo Loco, closed its doors.

Ok, so I am a little late to the party here. It closed in January ’05. I told you I don’t get out of the basement much!

I was preparing to write this post, looking back fondly on the day spent there with the best of friends (hi Ron, checking to see if you are reading). I googled it to get a link for this post and there it was. This sad announcement of its closing.

What a loss. This place rocked. It is the place where Gary bought one of his favorite T-shirts, Zoma the Canibal. Yes, they misspelled it on the shirt. See.

I am pretty sure that I had to ask him to take that shirt off at least once. Maybe we were going to a kid’s birthday party, or worse, Open House at the kid’s school. It is a great shirt though, don’t you think?

Back to the merits of the Freakatorium. It was a tiny little storefront shop really. Squeezed in between a tragically hip eatery and a corner Bodega on the then gentrifying Clinton Street. This place had it all.

Here is a list of the few amazing items of oddity that were housed within its frankly creepy walls:

Pictures of Jo Jo the dog-faced boy

An authentic living, breathing 2-headed turtle (no joke, I saw it move around)

Sammy Davis Jr.’s glass eye

A conjoined twin pig fetus (ew, ew, ew)

See for yourself. This vid is a tad long but Johnny Fox is so weird and wild in a John Waters sort of way. I could not help but watch it to the end. Must admit that parts of it were a little bit liking staring at the accident.

Too much free time?

Maybe.

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September 10, 2008 · 9:38 pm

Current Events from Hell

Animals wearing lipstick – pigs and pitbulls. And tonight on David Letterman some great quotes from Obama: “It is a common expression in Illinois. I don’t know what you put lipstick on here in NY.” and this fave: “If That’s What I’d Meant, Palin Would Be the Lipstick, ‘McCain’s Failed Policies’ the Pig.” Gotta love it.

Good ol’ Boys: Sex, Drugs & Rock ‘n Roll and Big Oil in the Interior Department.

Hurricanes G, H and I. The sky is just falling.

Big Bang Experiment?!!! Holy crap this one just plain scares me. What if that little pesky gopher from Caddyshack shows up and botches the whole shaBANG?

Is Kim Jong-il alive? Ok, here is a great sound bite from this story. “According to professional Pyongyang watchers, the answer is … probably. Most of the experts believe he is ill, some think seriously, while a maverick few suggest that North Korea’s “Dear Leader” is just playing dead, to mess with our minds.”  You can read the full Guardian article here.

Lucy in the Skys with Salvia? Ok kids, this is your brain. This is your brain on salvia. This is the end of your friggin’ opportunity of ever having a career after you actually smoked this shit on camera and let your ‘friends’ put it on youtube!  Just to give you an idea how MANY of you were that stupid, tonight’s search yielded about 5,600 videos. You all new this was coming…

ARE YOU FRIGGIN’ KIDDING ME?!

Documentation will be the downfall of this generation (no Dave, I am not an old lady, just a keen social observer). Anybody miss the 60’s and 70’s yet? Ahh, a generation that could experiment and mess up to their heart’s content and never worry about being tagged in a photo.

Kind of an odd day in the news, no?

Hmmm… some would say this was a click whore’s move to tag this post with as many top news stories as possible in order to beef up her stats.

Who me? Don’t be silly!

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September 9, 2008 · 10:07 pm

Would you rather…

Just a quick note that Time to Cry Tuesdays are proving to very popular. Proof again, that we really need to make the time. Today, however, I will try to make you laugh.

This is one of our favorite games. It started about 15 years ago. I had the most wonderful assistant who would pose a question like this to us everyday. My favorite?

Would you rather have a hoof or a paw?

Think about it. All the practical types wanted the hoof. “I could use it as a hammer, it would be great for self defense, yadayadayada”. While the gentler types wanted the paw. “It would be nice to have something soft, people love pets….”

I always thought we should have marketed this. So of course when I found Zobmondo I was quite furious at not having done this. I went out and bought the game, but my heart was never in it. I guess I was still furious that I had not developed it.

Which leads me to another favorite question that we have had with very close friends (who will go nameless until they claim it in the comments…hint hint):

Now, Jana, if you are reading I already know your response: “EW, MOM!” (sorry baby, it is not always easy to have me as your mom). And since both my parents and my in-laws are regular readers, perhaps you don’t want to continue with this one.

So, here goes:

“Would you rather be good looking with a small dick or ugly with a big one?”

We love this one. You would be surprised how people answer.

So, let’s hear from you out there. Show me the love on this one and humor me with an outpouring of comments. If you are shy, anonymous comments are fine. Men, let’s hear your answers and your reasoning. Women, ask the guys in your life for their responses.

Unless of course you would like to have your penis envy give your own answer.

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September 6, 2008 · 11:18 pm

Bloganoia (vol.2)

I will be shamelessly self-promoting my new photo blog, leaving the zip code, here from now on. You won’t be disappointed, I promise. Let’s see if some of you will take the ‘submit’ challenge.

I have written about this phenomenon before but the topic keeps coming up.

Now that I have been posting for a while, my readership is growing (or perhaps I am delusional and just think that it is). Certainly here in the zip code.

Twice in the last 24 hours people have said something and then asked, “oh no, are you going to blog about this?”

So, to reduce any fears about being outed here in bloganoialand, let me assure you that if I am going to use your name I will ask you first. (oh, except for Dr. Jimmy but he loved it and moving forward he will be my best commenter).

Most often, if I blog something about you I will not mention who you are. Or give your distinguishing characteristics like, “that certain someone with the ______ (fill in the blank with your most defining characteristic).

My kids, on the other hand, seem to be blogobitionists, as they get a kick out of it when I write about them. I ask first and try not to embarrass. (Frightening that Danny was actually proud of the great dryer incident).

In closing, you can feel free to be absolutely absurd in front of me, just like you have always been. And I promise to try to contain myself.

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