Category Archives: Time to Cry Tuesdays

February 23, 2009 · 11:32 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – Sitting Shiksa

sitting-shiksa2No, there is not a typo in that headline. Keep reading and you will see what I mean.

This past week one of my dearest friends – my wife of sorts –  lost her dad. She and I are known somewhat as the Lucy and Ethel of our community. Our antics are legendary (in our minds, anyway). The following is an adaptation of an email that I sent to our friends:

After a long period of compromised health, my friend’s dad cried uncle and died peacefully. Unfortunately, she was away on vacation with her daughter and had to return quickly to make arrangements. As you can imagine this has been a very difficult time for her. But I am happy to report her sense of humor and love of life is fully intact. Read on.

She will be going to Arizona for a first memorial service on Sunday and then to Boston on March 3rd where she and her brother will have his ashes buried next to her mom, hopefully in an ‘uneventful’ ceremony. Not a chance! (note: as with all families there is the predicted drama that is hard to avoid)

As her life is here in NY now, we know that there are many that want to pay their respects to her since she is always there for everyone else. Only our dear friend, in her grief, could call me this morning with this novel and frankly hysterical request. Let me share our conversation:

Friend: Hi, it’s me again. I decided you are right and I need to do something here.

Me: That’s great, what did you have in mind?

Friend: I think I would like to ‘Sit Shiksa’!

Me: That could be the funniest thing I have ever heard.

Friend: Oh and tell people to forget the boxes of cake, bring wine and have a drink with me to celebrate my dad’s life.

For those who are not ‘of the tribe’, when someone dies in the Jewish religion we sit Shiva. Shiva meaning ‘seven’ in Hebrew, we receive guests in our home to pay their respects for 7(ish) days. (it’s complicated)

Figuring that 7 days of guests would surely put her husband in a psych unit, sitting Shiksa will be an afternoon ordeal. Shiksa, on the other hand, means ‘woman who is not a Jew’. Of course we all know that our friend is a Jew by association by now as she has been to more Bar Mitzvot and Shiva calls than most Jews by birth.

Please join their family, not to mourn, but celebrate the life of the man who fathered our dear friend. One hell of a guy and a man who always loved a good party. He will surely be there with us.

If you have friends of mixed marriages, or live in a diverse community, pass this on. There are few that hear it who cannot relate.

Here is to my dear friend, who can truly make lemonade out of ANY situation in life. And who always keeps me laughing, even through her tears. When she married our dear friend, she married us too. And she has been a hell of a good sport about it for the past 20 years. We love you babe. May your grieving be cathartic and know we will love you forever.

Sitting on my desk is a framed piece you gave me years ago:

Friends are the family you choose.

I choose you!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

 

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February 9, 2009 · 11:14 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – A remarkable story

This Time to Cry Tuesday finds me retelling a story that I heard last week. I was at a photo shoot, working with this group for the first time. It was one of those perfect work days where all the planning worked out, the team was incredibly talented and they were all truly warm interesting people.

We broke for lunch and were chatting about this and that, when the prop stylist shared this story with us. She had heard it, of all places, from the Russian women where she gets her facials!

The story begins with a couple planning their wedding. There was a dinner for the extended families to meet. The grandmother of the bride and the grandfather of the groom were both Holocaust survivors. They got to talking and each discovered that the other was a survivor. They talked about carrying the tattoos of the camps throughout their lives as a reminder. The woman states her number and then the man recites his.

She stops cold.

“That could not possibly be your number”, she said.

“Of course it is my number, how could I make a mistake about something that I see everyday of my life. Why would you say it was not my number?” he replied.

“Because…” , she begins, “THAT was my husband’s number and I lost him in the camps.”

The room becomes silent as the two realize that after all these years – having survived, moved to the states, married others thinking that each had perished, built families and lives – they are reunited.

Some story, right?

As the stylist told the story she began to tear up. As did I. And everyone else in the room. In this work environment we all shared this unbelievable moment. We came to the conclusion that in the big picture of life these two had lost each other so long ago because their grandchildren-to-be were meant…

to be.

I love a good story of fatalism.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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February 3, 2009 · 12:26 am

Time to Cry Tuesday – Sunrise, Sunset

sunrise_sunset

The title of this post is for my brother. This is how I will be able to tell if he is reading. What, it’s not all about me and my blog?

When we were growing up my mom had a friend with a beautiful singing voice. At every Bar or Bat Mitzvah she would get up and sing Sunrise, Sunset with the band. As you would expect, all of us kids would roll our eyes, giggle a little, suffer glares and shushes from our parents and fidget our way through to the end of the song.

Years later, at my brother’s wedding, she got up and sang it again. As young adults the eye rolling was replaced with a wink, we had long since learned to stop fidgeting and our parents were way too busy full out weeping to worry about the likes of us.

Fast forward a quarter of a century. (this, too, is for my brother – everyone loves to think of themselves as being married for any fraction of a century, right?)

This past weekend I attended the Bar Mitzvah of a friend’s child. But this was not just ANY Bar Mitzvah. This, my friends, was the celebration of the last of the First Thursday children coming of age. The First Thursday group has existed since the month he was born, he is our measure for the length of our friendship and as you can imagine, he is our little mascot of sorts because of it. (surely every 13 year old boy would love to be referred to this way.)

Yes, number 18 has now become a man. Funny, but he still looked so young to me. Until the video montage looped its way into my line of sight and I saw all those kids frozen in time as they were when they were small.

Then I looked back on the dance floor and caught a glimpse of my sweet *J* (not Jana, this is my other J) in that beautiful blue satin dress the color of her eyes, of *N* and *K* in those drop dead sequin numbers with the high heels that would surely cripple the likes of me. And *V* dancing up a storm as if the whole damn world was her living room and she had it by the balls.

That’s when it friggin’ hit me. Like a ton of corny, OMG-I-have-surely-become-my-mother bricks…

I could have been singing the lyrics to Sunrise Sunset in my head.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 26, 2009 · 11:38 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – An Icon

Sorry, third time in as many weeks that I am posting about loss. However, this one is quite different.

Sunday I had the pleasure (yes pleasure!) of attending a memorial service for someone who helped shape the woman I am today.  Actually, not just me, but hundreds of women through the 60s and 70s. This woman, Alice Sternin, was the director of the summer camp I attended. I have posted about this idyllic place from my childhood before, as both my children are fortunate enough to share in the legacy.

I have never attended a service where there was as much laughter as tears. The essence of this woman was described by countless speakers. Everyone in the room shared the same memories of this tiny woman who was larger than life.

People traveled from all over the country. Family and friends spoke. One after another, stories were shared that sparked long forgotten memories for each one of us . When her famous lines were quoted, the entire room joined  in unison. Treasured camp songs were sung and tears were shed for the loss, not just of this woman, but the childhood jewel this perfect place had been for all of us.

My daughter has had the good fortune to have had this same experience. The following is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to Jana and her girls at the end of their last summer as campers. This sums up what this woman built. And her legacy will carry on long after she is gone.

You are so very lucky to have this piece of your life. Camp is something that you cannot put a label on. There are no words to describe how you feel when you are with your girls. How the sight of the lake and mountains fill your heart in a way that nothing else in this world truly can. The essence of camp is ingrained in each and every one of you. It is part of what makes you who you are, and believe me, who you will always be. We are all beyond lucky to know these feelings.

Leaving is never easy.  All these years later I still tear up as I walk out of camp and drink in one last moment of the place I love so much.

Never, NEVER, take this place for granted. Hold it close and it will never let you down.  

Today, as I sat with MY girls so many years later, I felt the full weight of those words.

Here’s to you Big Al! The toughest camp director in the East. With the biggest heart! You will be dearly missed, but rest easy, your legacy will never die.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 19, 2009 · 11:32 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – Sadness and Hope

Today marks a bittersweet Time to Cry Tuesday installment. The excitement and sentiment of hope surrounding the inauguration is tempered with sadness for our family. Must be some bizarre alignment of the stars that I should be writing of loss for a second Tuesday in a row.

This past week we lost a beloved family member. She was a woman who always looked you in the eye when you spoke. Hell, even when you were on the phone. Her infectious laugh and high spirit, even in the face of hardship, left us in awe of how she navigated a less than perfect life.

I believe that each person leaves a mark on this earth when they leave. Along with the great void that remains in her absence resides the essence of her special brand of optimism. Her wild sense of humor and ability to draw people together is carried on through the grown son she leaves behind. His home is filled with love, many friends and lots of children! They will carry on her memory with stories of the impact she made on their lives. And they can move forward with the comfort of knowing they were the light of her life.

I am pretty sure that wherever she is, they read blogs. And if she happens to read this I am sure she would say something to the effect of, ‘Who the F was she talking about?’

Once a jokester, always a jokester.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 13, 2009 · 12:02 am

Time to Cry Tuesday – I don’t know and you don’t know

fire-in-the-sky_sm1

There are times in our lives when we are profoundly touched by another person even though we have never met them. Sadly, sometimes they are already gone and we have lost the opportunity.

I have a friend in my community who I am very fond of. We do not know each other all that well but have been friends for a long time and our husbands are btff (best tennis friends forever). She and her family emanate an infectious warmth and hospitality. Being in their home one feels instantly comfortable and engaged. Their circle of friends is equally embracing. We always leave their house feeling as if we have had a full experience. Does that make sense? I hope so.

This past weekend we attended a memorial service for her mom who passed away suddenly last month. This particular congregation has a beautiful custom of creating a booklet of readings for its life cycle events. Friends and family members read from this booklet and helped paint a picture of this vibrant woman.

During the service my friend spoke about the mom she had lost. Theirs was a tender relationship, one that every mother and daughter hopes to have. Her loss was very painful to witness, yet being there I felt the greatest honor she could give her mother was to share who she was with those who did not know her.

She told a story about going back to her mom’s home to sort through the pieces of her life. The most precious things she found were two post-it notes. Her mom had a habit of scribbling down thoughts and sticking them around her home. (a woman after my own heart as I have a bulletin board filled with such things over my desk). One of the notes said it all for me:

You don’t know and I don’t know.

How perfect is that? Pretty much says it all. We can worry and ruminate. We can plan and organize. We can strive and learn and try to control it all. But in the end, you don’t know and I don’t know.

I am sorry I never had the pleasure to meet this fine woman, but in some ways I suppose I have.

To my dear friend, may your grief be tempered with the knowledge that you were loved fully by a mother who adored you. And may your wonderful boys, or shall I say young men, give you the strength and support you need during this terribly sad time.

And may I say, it was an honor to ‘know’ your mom.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 6, 2009 · 12:01 am

Time to Cry Tuesday – Family Time

‘Yes Mother!’

That is the response I always get from my son when I ask him a sentimental question. I can even hear his tone in a text message. It is half goofing on me half , “yes, I get it and I do know how important it is to you.”

With my daughter home for a few weeks we are all together again for a short while. It is not that we need to be doing anything special. Simply all together is what I crave. Four at the dinner table instead of three. Oops, sorry that would be five, the dog is always under the table.

Last night we ended the long holiday week with a movie night. We all went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Usually I would be less inclined to see a movie of that length on a Sunday night, but the idea of all four of us lined up in those seats together made it very appealing. The film turned out to be engaging and wonderful, but the fact that we all watched it together brought it to another level.

There was a scene at a first birthday party where one of the guests commented that the babies would all be in high school before they turned around. I looked up at Danny with ‘that face’ and he just started laughing. But I know he gets it.

And to tell you the truth, I don’t believe it is just me. I really do believe the kids find the family time special too. Perhaps it is because the moments are so fleeting. Or maybe it is simply because we truly enjoy each other’s company.

And no, I did not pay them to hang out with us!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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December 29, 2008 · 9:08 pm

Time To Cry Tuesday – Thoughts on Mojo

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Well friends, here we are; the final Time to Cry Tuesday of the year. In light of the insane place we have found the world at the close of 2008 I have thought a lot about where we are and how our collective Mojo has faired through the turmoil.

Ah, Mojo. How do you describe its essence?

First, to quote Wikipedia (who did we quote before Wikipedia?) Mojo is a term commonly encountered in the African-American folk belief called hoodoo. A mojo is a type of magic charm…

My kids’ favorite Mojo reference is from Austin Powers when Dr. Evil steals his mojo.

And of course, no Mojo post would be complete without a little Muddy Waters Mojo Working.

To me, your Mojo is what gets you up in the morning and drags your sorry ass through the day making sure that you have at least a few good laughs and meaningful moments during the ride. Mojo is that faint little smile when you remember someone or something that rang your bell, made you FEEL, gave you full technicolor. Mojo, in short, is the joy in life. The fuel to your passions. It is simply put, what makes you YOU.

What is my concern about our collective Mojo? Well, it simply can’t be healthy to wake up every day to the news of the collapse of the business du jour. Banks, auto companies, retailers, ALL those people and charities who drank the Madoff kool-aid. When does it stop and how do we manage it? Do we all swallow on big fat proverbial Xanax and suck this all up till the world shifts back?

Nope, it is like anything else, you just have to deal.

For me, when you lose your Mojo you lose your soul; the part of you that makes it worth being alive. In the face of whatever bad news or challenging circumstance you find yourself, it is that part of you so deep down and real that NOTHING can destroy. Oh, it might get some scars. And it will surely sag a bit and gray with age. But your Mojo, it is yours.

Don’t ever lose it.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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December 22, 2008 · 9:20 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – Nothing Like Family

Before I start this post check this out! One of my 50-something moms posts was picked up by the Fresno Bee! (ok, so it’s not the NYT but it’s a start)

This Time to Cry Tuesday mixes things up a bit and starts with a laugh. For those who are regular readers, you have heard mention of Gary’s toddler dance more than once.

Now don’t get all excited out there (especially you MizLiz, as I know you are dying to see it), this video does not feature Gary. But it does star our kids who named this dance and hold it close to their hearts. So without any further ado, I bring you The Toddler Dance by Danny and Jana.

Where is the time to cry piece, you ask? No worries. A good friend once told me it is good to both laugh and cry every day, then you know you have lived your day to its fullest.

Family. Some cringe at the word, break out in hives, get indigestion, run for cover. Especially this time of year with all the forced reunions and pressure to celebrate. Me? There is nothing more important. I was raised this way, it is in my blood. And I am fortunate enough to be able to say that when I hear the word family I am happy.

There is no feeling greater for a parent of a college student than the moment before they close their eyes and know that everyone is in their own beds under one roof. These times become more rare and increasingly precious. My kids may roll their eyes when I get this way – certainly Danny does because he has not left yet – but I know that in their hearts they feel the same way.

It is a tough world out there, and we as a society are facing very scary realities. But when you sit at a dinner table with your whole family and can laugh and enjoy simply being together, the world out there seems a little easier to face.

Thanks kids, for humoring me. Oh and being the first video on my great new Hannukah present…

a Flip Video camera.

How did daddy know I wanted this? Oh right, because I only mentioned it 1,000 times.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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December 15, 2008 · 10:06 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – Success

Before I begin this post I must point out Jana’s comment on yesterday’s hamster post. “You forgot to mention how after she died we kept her in a shoebox in the outside refrigerator for over a month before we got a chance to bury her.” Yes, we did actually freeze the dead hamster in the garage freezer in a box that was clearly marked. From what we can remember the ground was too frozen to bury her so we ‘stored’ her in our little makeshift morgue… next to the frozen waffles. Ok, maybe a bit quirky, I will admit that. (see below on raising non psycho kids)

silosuccess-mugThese crazy economic times have made so many people re-evaluate the meaning of success. Honestly, if I hear one more person bring up this topic I will be tempted to poke them in the eye. So I would fully understand your disgust if you don’t want to read my 2 cents here (or should I say my 1.25 cents with the state of the market).

Nowadays, flat is the new up (thank you to my financial friends who brought this to my attention). Poor is the new rich. So how do we begin to reconcile the true meaning of success when everywhere we hear stories of people who have worked their whole lives, lived prudently and saved only to find themselves nowhere near the comfort level of security that they imagined. Or worse.

Let me redefine success.

Today’s definition of success is the ability to keep one step ahead. To continue to plug away and make it work. To love what you do, or at least not hate it, even if it is not as financially lucrative as it once was. To think creatively of new ways to make your life full instead of filling your life. To be truly successful is to take stock in what works in your life and be grateful for that . As my Nana used to say, to look at those below you instead of those above, for there are many more in worse shape.

To have raised healthy productive children (translation: kids who are not psychos in spite of our child-rearing techniques). To maintain a marriage not only in the good times, but in the tough ones (translation: to not kill one’s spouse with a butter knife in their sleep). To be a good friend to those in need and know how to lean when you need the help (translation: know who will be available to drive you to the emergency room – thanks again Rik).

In short, the doom and gloom could kill you way faster than the actual situation can.

So lighten up everyone. Panic never helped the situation.

How do you define success? (Tip: net worth comments will be scoffed at here)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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