Monthly Archives: July 2008

July 7, 2008 · 9:44 pm

Top Ten Ways to be a Perfect House Guest

1. Bring steamed lobsters for dinner (over 2 lbs) check

2. Buy clever lobster forks and citrus slicer from Crate and Barrel. check

3. Empty the dishwasher when you wake up. check

4. Bring 3 Stooges DVD for husbands to watch (with hands down their pants). check

5. Ride to the market to get supplies. check

6. Take ferries at convenient times. check

7. Bring a dog that does not shed. uhhhhh, sorry. thought the grooming would handle that! (labs have a tendency to shed full puppies in the heat.)

8. Bring dog that does not bark incessantly. really, she never barks like this at home. honest.

9. Don’t break the rod when you go fishing. hmmm… jews are not great fisherman. we prefer the fish market, “i’ll take a pound and a half of salmon…”

10. Don’t break the plumbing when taking a shower…

Yeh, well, that one didn’t work out all that well. My poor husband. Everyone else was using the outdoor shower (who wouldn’t). But no, he thought he would just jump into the seldom used indoor one before dinner. Seems when he turned the faucet… it kept turning. And turning. And would not shut off!

Ok, so now we have dinner ready in 20 minutes, a ferry to catch in an hour and a half and the scene in the bathroom would be:

My husband in a towel, the homeowner and his Sharper Image toolkit (only Jews own these – and they might be a collector’s item these days. honestly, would an Irish or Italian guy be caught dead with these metrosexual tools?), the homeowner’s brother-in-law, the neighbor and HIS brother-in-law (why so many in-laws?) inside the shower TOGETHER (calling this the beginning of a porn film) and of course both of the dogs trying to get in on the action. (mine finally not barking, thank goodness).

Needless to say the only solution was to shut all the water in the house and only turn it on (and the shower of course) when needed. And a plumber on a barrier island on the Saturday night of a holiday weekend? Non-existent.

Thanks, Sam and Katie, for being such good sports during our Annual Fourth of July Visit. Only dear old friends like yourselves would be so cool about all this. I promise by July 4, 2012, when you decide to invite us back again we will be sure to work on items 7-10 above.

Then again, as Sam said, “What makes you think you will be invited back so soon…”

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July 6, 2008 · 12:49 pm

All the Other Vegetables Were Jealous…

…or cucumbers are a girls best friend?

Just came back from a glorious weekend visit with dear friends at their beach house on Fire Island. (more about the visit in my next post).

For those who do not know this place, it is a little slice of heaven. (and the veggies are hot!) A barrier island off of Long Island about 50 miles or so out of NYC. No cars allowed. You take a half hour ferry ride to get there and shoes are definitely optional. It is kid heaven, dog heaven, singles heaven, women of a certain age heaven and from appearances, veggie heaven too.

Our friends are the ultimate hosts and quite the gardeners. The picture above was taken just before we picked this sucker. (Did I hear someone say Miracle Grow?) He was supposed to be a kirby but apparently if you don’t pick them (or I suppose if you rub them, too) they keep growing. We kept passing him as we went in and out of the kitchen door and he certainly had an alluring personality. One could not help but stare. Or comment for that matter. All sorts of suggestions were made for his fate other than the salad he was destined for.

Poor thing, first circumcized and then tossed in a bowl with some tomatoes, mozzarella and avocado. Brings new meaning to the idea of orgasmic eating, does it not?

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July 3, 2008 · 2:36 pm

RIP Madam Marie

This post is for you Uncle Neal, my condolences.

It would appear that the iconic Madam Marie Castello of Springsteen’s ‘the cops finally busted’ fame has died. Who new she really existed? Maybe you Jersey boardward diehards of the thread (you know who you are). I am guessing this might be one hell of a wild wake.

Seems her age is questionable as AP reports her at 90, Newsday in her mid-90s and the Cherry Hill Post Courier (that ever famous international paper) said she was 93. Whatevs. She is still a rock ‘n roll icon nonetheless.

Had I known she was for real I might have ventured ‘down the shore’, as they say in Jersey, to have my picture taken with her. Then I would not have had to grab this one off flickr (nice shot though, thank you Anthony Cortese or Snowdog as he uses on flickr)! What a great photo that would have been for the dining room next to Gary and BB King (a story for another time).

Here’s to you Marie. May we all live into our 90’s and maybe even make it into a rock ‘n roll song before we go.

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July 2, 2008 · 5:27 pm

Life Decisions and the Magic 8 Ball

Wait. You think it is a bad idea to do this?

Honestly, sometimes you can ruminate the hell out of a choice and at the end of the day you are no closer to a decision that you feel comfortable with. Sometimes you need to be a fatalist.

Enter, the Magic 8 Ball. I love this theory. And the nice thing about it is that their answers are so… well so friendly:

As I see it, yes

Outlook not so good (I would like to change this to ‘not so much’)

Signs point to yes

and my all-time favorite:

Reply is hazy, try again

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July 1, 2008 · 9:47 pm

The Grim Reaper at the Nail Salon…


…in the body of a grandma.

Sometimes when i am out in public (and not in the basement) i am amazed at how crazy people are.

there i was, getting a manicure (as I still do not believe that chipped nails are either fashionable or acceptable) and next to me sits a very cute little girl getting a manicure and pedicure for camp (another rustic camp experience is born). Her mom and grandma are waiting for her and they are reading magazines. I swear to you I am not making up this dialogue. You can ask my friend Cindy, she was there.

Grandma: Uh, what a horrible story.

Daughter: What?

Grandma: Oy, don’t read this, it is too depressing. Two people murdered in a place you would least expect.

Kid: Where grandma?

Grandma: No sweetie, don’t read this. Don’t worry about such things. Too horrible to talk about. Killed in broad daylight with no chance to survive. In Oklahoma of all places. You are safe nowhere.

Daughter: That is awful.

Grandma: No, please let’s not talk of such things. Did you see Tim Russert’s son on TV. So sad, to die so suddenly like that. Let’s not talk of such sadness. Did I tell about when I had my son, the baby nurse was still there and my friend’s husband dropped dead at his mother’s bedside. Just like that!

Kid: Who died grandma?

Grandma: Don’t worry yourself about such things, sweetie. You don’t know them, it was 49 years ago. Oy, he just up and dropped dead at his mother’s bedside, like Tim Russert. So sad. You should not think about such things.

For G-d’s sake, this friggin old yenta was lining up the corpses right there at the nail dryers and there was not a thing we could do about it! Seriously, can you imagine a holiday at this woman’s house?

Thanksgiving: “Did you read about the mother of 5 that choked on a turkey bone?”

Christmas: “Did you hear about the family that died in a fire from faulty christmas lights?”

Fourth of July: “Did you hear about the kid that blew his arm off with illegal fireworks?”

Of course, all followed by her signature:

“Let’s not talk about this, too much sadness.”

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