Act One: Scheduling the appointment
Me: Hello, I would like to schedule an appointment for my colonoscopy.
Receptionist: Oh, we have an opening on the 28th at noon.
Me: (thinking ‘an opening’ was a poor choice of words) I will take it.
Understanding that this was the Friday of a holiday weekend I figured it would be a good day to take off, and I jumped at the idea of the weight loss.
Yes I am extremely shallow.
Act Two: The pre-prep (I will spare you the actual prep because I am classier than that)
Me: What flavor Gatorade should I mix the Miralax with?
Danny: Yellow
Gary: Yellow
Jana: Yellow
I bought grape.
Oh, and yellow – I am not an idiot! I did the taste test and under the advisement of Jana’s boyfriend decided on yellow because he said I would get sick of the grape after the second glass.
Jana: OMG you are mixing that ENTIRE bottle of Miralax* into that Gatorade, that is like a month’s worth!
Me: Yeh, I know. I thought that is why you were going to stay at Corey’s house for the night.
You will be happy to know that after I fasted for 24 hours and had been starving for a day Gary came home and made himself probably the most delicious smelling omelette ever made on the face of this earth.
I asked him why he didn’t bake a chocolate cake right after that too.
* I would like to mention that on the side of the Miralax package it states that your stool may become soft and runny… um is that not the point of a laxative?
Act Three: Phone call with a friend after the colonoscopy was finished
Friend: How are you feeling?
Me: Not bad, actually. It was just like any other Friday at work except this time I was sedated before I got reamed up the ass.
Friend: I guess I should tell you my daughter is in the car and I am on speakerphone (note: daughter is in college)
Me: Well, now is as good a time as any for her to hear about the real world.
Daughter: Thanks Amy, I really appreciate that.
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i could cry but i don't have time 